When we put our ear to a door to quietly listen to a beckoning whisper, we finger any dangling hair away behind the ear as if the slightest interference is as if life or death precision. Good or bad. It's called consciousness. Degrees of which vary enormously from person to person. Individuals with different directions, different priorities, different definitions of different....and yet that is the only thing there is. Don't need to say "thats the only thing that matters" because it's all there is. The cosmic friction we prefer to call "our most important life contributions" is so rarely much more than projected self importance no matter how well it hides behind philanthropic bs. What my brother did to me last night is where it's clear to me something has to give.
What is it people are holding on to really with the illusion of even family. I think it's as beautiful as it seems most important to be a part of a family until people hurt. Then it starts to become a contradiction, an hypocrisy. That's not to say it should end. Of course that's where people work through and find the sense of humor. The most important thing. But to admit the irony is so hard for people. I can't help but feel its as easy to fix as it is simple and basic.
When I spoke with Jack Kartsch last week I realized that something really has to give. It may sound contradictory but I don't normally like to write to include too much basic detail that might fall into the massive enemy brain...but for xmas today Im going to give myself the that gift of complete freedom...not from a negative place of feeling like it's all over anyway. I will come from a positive place of knowing it's all over anyway-sadly for all of us. If only a few more people understand the true value, true wealth in sparing us from their counterfeit manicured fake lives and relationships bullshit.
If I were to say "Jack Kartsch sort of flirted with me, and in a moment of laughter I think we may have felt fallen in love." I would be writing a novel intended for one person to read.
Jane has no idea the degree to which loosing the financial ability to be able to afford to stay in touch with family members, as the older one's I haven't seen in decades start to die off. Or the more immediate who are so resentful, of monies borrowed and lost and the tolls all these tedious details take...all from having that one last truly great, perfect opportunity not lost, but taken away....I either kill myself or I stick my face in theirs and try to map ether see how what they've done to me is just a shot away from murder. I went to bed last night with the realization that my own flesh and blood hates me enough to want to see me dead. Pretty sure thats his own anger management issue...but is it? What the hell do people like Jane Kartsch go out and spread that poisons already delicate bonds teetering on never speaking to each other again.
What I couldn't seem to get Jack to understand, or admit at least, was that Jane is allowed to hate me. Despise away. But for her to go out of her way to talk to people during my $12,000 training program....and there exists a police report against me? So clearly an abuse of police time....but she never get's in trouble for any of this? While Im put in a position where most people would blow their own brains out? I simply drove down the street of a brother I have not spoken one word to in 19 years, and for stopping my car in front of his home, with my entire family in it as I looked at them through the window...my brother came out looked at me for the first time in years since we've even seen each other and said "Oh my god it's psycho" then grabbed the collars of his 2 dogs to run back into the house. He turned to yell very loudly "Im gonna call the police." Interestingly enough not even "If you don't go I will call the police".... just a direct kill.
In other words I was threatened with arrest for driving by my brother's home on xmas eve, full of our mutual family. But no one can tell me what this is? This inclination to say those words to me "call the police"? Seriously. From this point on my life is solely dedicated to having that one simple question answered. I know more than ever the truth will set me free. It's a small town as it is a small world after all. It sort of made me laugh at a xmas party recently how these shallow women who think they're too good to talk to me will copy my dance moves on the dance floor still :) What makes me bitter is the way people will steal each other's very essence to feed their egotistical motivation and thats as far as it goes. People have no problem with strip mining you dry to better themselves and leave you street level at death's door if it's more convenient. Life will always be this way. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. What bothers me is people's fear of at least admitting it.
Like a bunch of 9 year olds....so Ive hammered in the last nail myself by talking about everything too openly at times? Recording everything for the film that may never come to fruition? Yet the whole point is Im the one with the records but they'll still try to argue their lies-this is worth the time-Because if people would let this happen to me-and I've said it since Deborah Moore first started it all, it's only a matter of time before we're at war and the whole country is past history and desperately trying to hold onto the industrial military complex that writes our best, most popular propaganda. As if the hatred the Bush family's oil business needs inspired in millions upon millions of human beings who dream with smiles on their faces of violent surprises attacking the bliss we've taken for granted for so long.....
....yet there is my peace...while these hateful liars still need to pretend they're mind games will win....Im declaring it's over. Someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on.
Merry Xmas Beloved Jesus.
