Too Angry to Not Have Answers: Copy and Pastorale Bowel Movement

I went to make a quick edit on last post and went postally long...so Im too tired to re read. Not sure if it makes sense. Im just so happy to see people (appear to be) reading my blog, although it's probably the same 19 people....

Copy and Paste:

I see thru poeple and they dont like that..they want to punish me for it, which seems sort of normal, almost natural it's such common behavior, but what I have a problem with is the way they enjoy it...JANE KARSTCH HAD NO REASON TO INTERFERE IN MY LIFE TO TH EPOINT SHE IS STILL ACTIVELY INTERRACTING WITH BIKRAM YOGA LOS ANGELES HEADQUARTERS. I RECORDED A CONVERSATION WITH HER HUSBAND JACK JUST 2 MONTHS AGO OR SO WHERE HE TOLD ME ABOUT THE MILE HIGH DOSSIER! FILES!" That they have on me...and Jack Kartsch knows this how? Are you reading this Kathwhatever? Are you making sure Jane see's it? GOOD! Am I crazy? Is the FBI watching? Just as Bikram asked me in training "Why everybody hate you so much?" I couldnt answer the question without guessing, grabbing at straws. Because the murderous damage Kartsch caused to my life is beyond repair...ya ya ya I have peace, and I can pretend I dont ever let anyone steal it just like anyone else...but why should I? There's a reason men love to hunt, and there is more satisfaction in hunting down liars than canned game shows at least? That's why American men have gone so off, not knowing where to put it right...why lawyers dont defend once good people's ruined names...imagine beingin a foreign country and never knowing how youre life was destroyed because you cant see their teeth in the fake smiles?  Im just realizing 

mahoney would want to see me dead, wanna put me in a box...demarest deep in the ground. the absurdity of too many hypocrites and intelligent oeple using their power for evil...has me writing instead of killing myself....did one sentence make sense? no matter...most epope who read my writing think they want me dead...Im just begging poeple to wake the fck up for 30 years crying about Reagan's fake and the Bush Plan. Whats interesting is IM not just broke all the time, as soon as anything good strats to happen, someone ILLEGALLY writes a police report, or spreads some awful rumour...the only fcked up thing I remember doing was writing too vividly about sex...and even then...it wasnt gratuitous! Ive never hurt a goddam human being in my life...I want a reality show where I get to confront the fucked up poeple that fucked me up...they'll be paid a million dollars to think they wont get caught "just fibbing"....my prize would be to have a crew hold me back from expressing the rage I might momentarily feel in wanting to first spit n slap, then punch, the show how "dangerous" a person Ive been turned into in my mind so far, but oh! The fantasy of kicking my foot into Jane's pelvis, and then picking her up from her neck and flipping her over smashing her onto her back and just hitting and punching like a crazy person, with every bit of crazy she wishes for the world to see me as...Im hating Bikram lately for letting 5 years go wasted like this at such a critical time, but physically attacking him doesnt even enter my mind...Bikram was stupid for not stopping Jane, in fact allowing the secretaries (let's take a pole lol) to gang up on me...what does rico mean again? Bikram should not only disregard the $3000 I owed him, he should reimburse me for the entire training at a minimum....I dont even see myself wanting to express violence towards the shit neighbor who fried my computer and put a gun to his head-far from forgiveness-he's a stupid idiot that doesnt know any better and Im stuck living nevt door to it. If I found out he did it on purpose that woudl be differnt-that would be like Jane-I feel righteous in calling out THAT kind of evil...stupid eveil i sonly slappable...deliberate MALICE is what Kartsch operated on...no rhyme or reason in a world going down the tubes...omg if I became a foster parent she would have seen to it my child would have been ripped away from me...IM SO not exaggerating...The day Jane Kartsch give me ONE honest reason as to why she WENT AFTER ME so venemously creating things! Thats the thing! I get that people hate me because I can be fast and loose with teh TRUTH! I admit Ive even been careless and insensitive from time to time...but I have NEVER lied. Or made anything thing up. ___n was probably recording me from his office when we were talking about the unconscious sex episode from 1981(?). I am pretty sure we had-wont go into the gory details, but he SO wants it not to be true (or keep it secret)....I had to admit that I loved him so much at the time, I may not have minded. People are encourage not to speak openly online because it obviously invites troublemakers I guess...BUt thats why suicide comes up...you cant even talk or write about the bad or unfair things that happen to you lol without someone else being inspired to raoe you..or some idiot comes along who thinks you want to be attacked because you just happen to be braver than anyone theyve ever met?

God be with me. Are you allowed to bless yerself?

Even if I won a huge settlement from, jesus the list is long, Jane is my main focus because she was the one who really organized the coven, went out of her way to interview oeple like an agent lol...omg dont even go there...Jane probably is some informant for M....what's the name for the israeli cia? Omg....

I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A FKN BOYFRIEND, MAYBE A FAMILY I WAS 46 FKN YEARS OLD! Why coudnt they leave me alone? If you dont like someone why do you have to organize a movement against them? Thats what Im getting at. I read somewhere that its a felony to conspire to destroy an individual, dont remember the verbiage, but that was the sentiment...easily overlooked law unless you ve been FUCKED for 30 yrs....I agree!

I would be willing to give up monetary reward or anything really to simply know why! If I won a million dollars I dont hardly care anymore! Ive been done in by the mortality of the hot flash...I swore I would be like Emmy...and I probably would have been ...if Jane Fucking Kartsch had stayed out of my life. I bet Officer Kaley was forced to resign because she complained that I got my hands on an unredacted (sp?) copy of her fake police report....omg I WANT TO AT LEAST SLAP HER SUPER FUCKING HARD!!!!

So have your lawyer Wolf writ eme another letter Jane! OR have the entoire fucking goddam detective dept of the Yorktown police force talk to YOU about why you would go out of your way to interfere with my life, I had a job lined up in Norwalk and only HOPED that you would get over yourself and spare me the ridiculous polar bear killing commute! You couldnt figure out where to put your password! For me to not call you, on memorial day 2006 made you LOOSE IT! I have yours and Jacks phone messages saved from back then! Jack was so nice. I didnt understand why you were so pleading, and was shocked that you reverted to threatening me with an attorney dau after holiday! IN FUCKING EMAIL OF WHICH I HAVE EVERY GODDAM ONE!!!! 

How do I get 5 lost years back? No one has the right to tell me Im over reacting! Imagine that you didnt get to have the child you now have because some whacked out Kartsch interfered...I guess thats an impossible comparison...but imagine she goes out of her way to make you loose your ability to support your family, and creating tension from the poverty that does make poeple want to keep their distance...rich people LOVE to "help out" at volunteer churchi stuff, which of course has a place...but really its because theyre too lazy to call liars on their games...if I did have kids I might not be so bold! But..whatever..should I post this? Should I assure everyone Im not going to hurt porr Ms Karstch? Omg..I can just imagine...my cuntry ADORES caged fighting and watching men actually kill each other, but little old fat lady alone with her cat who cant afford an oil change...that's who the cops like to beat up...so they know they wont be late home for dinner....wow..its really kinda true huh? 

Ya I made my HS classmates, yearbook, and uploadable message board 4 months before Myspace (year plus before THE Facebook). IM caled "dangerous" because poele have always loved a good crucifiction, especially when its the popular girl you didnt get to sodomize....until now. Oh but Ill take that peace with me thank you very much.

Four Leaf Clover

My "daily" practice sucks so bad...it's hard to stay motivated when the fresh blubber is staring my aching back in the face...if I had a funeral I can't think of anyone I would want to be there...half ass friends, hypocritical friends, I guess Im lucky to know I have none than all the false friends people think love them...if only they knew that if they didnt have their financially stable circumstances, they would be sort like me...Hey AB? Did you find what you were looking for? Im too smart for my own good...

I once found a four leaf clover. Because the fourth seemed so much smaller it almost didn't seem like it could count as such...Luck is a crazy concept anyway. Lucky to be here right? 

I bought 2 cucumbers last night and 2 plum tomatoes because they were a few pennies cheaper than the vined...tonight I bought 2 whole wheat rolls at the A&P for .69 each. When I finally got up enough gumption to make the cuke salad with half the avocado I had left and my lovely vinaigrette luck didn't seem to be a part of the recipe for the barely healthy dinner I could barely afford.While sskinning the cuke it slipped out of my hand into the nasty slow draining water for a second and just disgusted me so, I shave a good 1/4 inch into it to try to sterilize...there was so much crap in that sink, even eggshells. Then when I was toasting the roll, I got distracted. As I smelled the char starting to smoke I just barely saved it from being totally trashed...

Seriously? Who lives like this? I have no cash flow, and I can't even get a part time job at a gas station. It was explained to me that the owners wife, some woman named ______, who "just doesn't like you (me)." I don't know the woman from Adam, but she knows me obviously...or at least thinks she does.

I do know that she seems like she's about 30 years younger than her husband the garage owner...it's not fair to generalize but that is classically an indication of an"old-digger" Although her hubby seems like a lovely man....what am I getting at? 

It's no accident that I can barely afford a cucumber salad. It's a combination of a few different things like random displaced hatred coupled with, insecure jealous wives, and a dash of ThinBlueLine survival for 19 years...but it all adds up to a simple case of "No money no honey."

People with money, or even just the security from having a little steady money, believe that they are smarter, or somehow born luckier...when really they're just the more ruthless cut throat types....who understand the practical aspects of marriage of convenience...and any single woman who comes along to remind them of their shallow decisions, or sacrificed freedom, they subconsciously want to destroy...

My life has been so completely destroyed socially for the most evil, lying of reasons, at least I had my will...for a while after the lok out, tat is until I fell last year...not being able to walk at my age has been the final nail in the coffin...it's like my body is completely falling apart every which way as a result...and the depression that goes with it prepares me for not panicking at the prospect of death coming sooner than later....The realization of how little anyone can afford to care about me came a few years back when I was sure I was having a heart attack...thats quite something, to experience the shameful indifference of people youve known youre whole life, completely comfortable with assuming it's not really a heart attack...no last word...no "I read this the other day" Just a cutting off...I saw it for what it was...

The combination of not being able to even find any job on top of that? This is why people commit suicide...Ive talked about suicide for so many years-desperately wishing people would give me a break and turn things around before they got any worse....but the opposite happens....

For a year I bit my tongue watching directionless people squander money for the sole purpose of stroking an ego, or adult version of playing "office" in same vein as a kid playing house....

The world is run by the lucky recipients of the counterfeit money...but in a world where no one even much likes each other anymore, it's starting to show that the money doesn't matter...but the perversion of it all, is the residue of all the ego, that can't relinquish leadership to those with the instinct that seems to come out of no where, therefore divine, because it's so effortless etc...we are all so fucked...and to all the people who felt better about themselves for seeing me so bad off? There's a special place in hell, more special than the one you're all already in.

I started to have a run at a steady practice last week but then my neighbor threatened to use a gun on his baby...they were screaming so loud and banging around I turned on my camera and actually captured that little statement made by the babymomma...the whole bldg ws listening but no one called police....I have my own reasons, but it got the better of me when I realized this is gonna one day be the guy who throws a baby in its car seat off a bridge, and so I called the police anonymously (as if)....other than sloppily letting everyone know it was me who called, they did absolutely nothing...why? Because I don't matter. Because poeple who dont even know me are fine with thinking they "hate" me. Wont hire me, or will fire me....Jane Kartsch has no idea just how far her lies cut...in an already struggling life...it was my 11th hour...and I did EVERYTHING right...but she had to take it away...and now Im dead. Not only will I officially, biologically never have kids...I can't even help a baby with parents who play with firearms on it's head....lol even my upstairs "nice" neighbors The Bolls are always talking in the hallway about what a horrible neighbor I am (check out my competition for the award for Worst Neighbor: 

http://yfrog.com/i3683z )

...but that's just because her husband still loves to remind people about meeting me for the first time 19 yrs ago when I accidentally opened my door to get my laundry less than dressed...crucified for being single, crucified, for being chronically broke, way too old for this...bullshit.

Done.

Priceless Knowledge from Emmy Cleaves

Ever seen a 90 year old woman doing yoga on her head?

Im rarely a brown...noseur, and I won't begin now, here with Emmy. To be honest I was maybe too distracted to appreciate her as much as I should have during my training. But there were plenty of priceless things she said that stayed with me, as if turning me into an accidental scientoist or researcher more like it...for example when she claimed to have never have had an hot flash. I fully believed her, but anytime I ran the concept by other women it was shot down. But right or wrong ego makes men and woman flaunt their lack of expertise or imagined experience out of sheer chilishness most of the time...I held firm. Believing I too would never have a hot flash. If only simply by grabbing it by its  tail and confronting it with a perfectly scientific explanation, to scare it away...because as an aging woman who never got to have children it's a bit beyond depressing to think that's the end all...never have to worry about putting all the eggs in one basket ever again, as there are no more eggs. Its official. Kaput...? Or is it?

For the past 2 weeks it seemed to have started. Perhaps they are hot flashes, but Ive npt fully bought it because Ive been noticing that everything from the oddly warm weather, the "solar flares", the synthetic non breathing clothing I too often wear..diet...depression, sweat, airflow...oh! and being close to computer devices! That was the big clue. That it what now has me paying closer attention. Discoevering I ca control my hot flashes. I think. Certainly its worth exploring. For me anyway.

Last year I shared this thought with an older excercise type, the anorexic type, who purge to maintain their "following" based on an appearance of health...westchester is full of "health" instructors lik ethis...anyway, she made a cute joke about how Emmy "simply must have forgotten she had them lol"....but really, in fact the kind of person who's health is underneath it all just a charade of a business wouldn't have the time, or probably even be capable of the kind of sensitivity required to be an observant researcher. The pay is awful, and the Galileo mindset is as strong as it's ever been....people are full of shit, we inadvertently empower the wrong people based on the most superficial of judgements....

brb

You Know it's Over When....

So I was prescribed about 50+ oxycodone pills a year ago, and I still have about 20 left because I don't like to take them unless really needed. I started to feel last year they were making some nerve damage worse, couldny explain how or why....but anyway I haven't taken one in so many months I barely remember...but the point is:

Most people abuse this medication from what I hear, but I do not...so I find it incredibly ironic when a woman Ive known from the Dam with our dogs (freddy and Zoe and syd-can't rmember her name) but while walking with her today I told her I was feeling the back pain so I took an oxycodone...I still can't easily process her reaction.

She looked at me like I was a drug abusing troubled teen (at the age of 51)...Its as if people don't listen to each other directly because gossip is so much more fun as it is convenient. "You shouldn't do that! That's dangerous!" She practically scolded me. I played along as I am SO sick of pointing out how rude poele are to their faces, I mean shit!

I had another old Croutonite tell me that he tells people that my life got all screwed up because of drug problems lol! This just makes me want to go to CIA assasin college and pray for balance when our neighborhoods start to look like Syria today...

I am so goddam sick of the hypocrisy that stole from me such a critical time in my life, an opportunity to make a healthy living, reconnect with strained relationships...ALL, every GD one of my problems stems from the stress of having homes ripped away, being beaten up by cops over subway tokens, or CATCHING THEM on vidoe tape (in what appears to be) shoplifting matters. Last time I left out the parenthesis I was slapped with a 10 million defamation lawsuit by that NYState Trooper...to this day the police only ever threaten me, rarely do anything to help me...like a few weeks ago when some gangster downstairs broke into out bldg's meter room by mangling the asp and padlock-decided to play electrican, risk burning down the bldg...and the only thing that ended up getting fried was my most precious 10 year old computer, that had never once had a thing wrong with it, movies I was editing, writings (as you can only imagine), software, music.....endless whole world of its own....I only called the cops when he physically threatened me in the hallway somply for asking too many questions, trying to figure out what happened...when the cops arrived they could have cared a less...they left within 5 minutes if that...good old Polay....Oh! Yes of course but when my upstairs neighbors who have conspired pathetically against me for many many years find a piece of paper on the floor that read only 6 words: "DEAR-STUDENTS-OF-CHRIST-THE-KING" & NOTHING ELSE...the oficers spent at least 30 minutes grilling me, threatening me, telling me I was "borderline criminal" that I could be arrested if I wrote anything aboyt my neighbors online...oh? IM sorry what's that? YOu think IM exaggerating?

http://www.governorpataki.com

How is it possible to not have ONE single phone call to the telephone number on the website? SO nice of my benefactress to play sister teresa of the adopted lost humans, and at my expense let everyone know how sad my weirdo life is....

I officially do not care anymore. Jane Kartsch is welcome to perpetuate her HATE YOGA...and at this point I would rather work at walmart than have anything to do with these "yoga" hypocrits....

I still beleive in the yoga, even though a roughly $12,000 investment was trashed. It broke my mother's heart, and has strained relationships within my family...everyone is mad at me for simply reacting emotionally to all the injustice...

Bikram told us all (300 strong) at my teacher's training in Honolulu, that anyone who was ever known to cross him had either died or suffered some horrible illness....but can you imagine the guru dropping his towel upon practcially just meeting you? I mean its almost comical, or is it? I find it fascinating that if I as much as talk about a cop not paying for something, or beating me, reaching out for fcksake! Even with photos AND VIDOETAPE TO PROVE MY EVERY WORD Im the bad guy lol? IM the one with mental illness? IM the one with a drug problem? Give me a fckn break.

That's right. Syria. The way my life has been ALLOWED to be trashed, so pointlessly is just a warning of what's to come for you too...not talking bono

NOt a dam thing wrong with me...a "dangerous person" Jane? Ok Ill give you dangerous....Bikram can kiss my ass while you kiss his....I can only imagine what he did to you.

Love, Lies, and Lindberger Cheese

My eyesight is going by the day, Ive felt like Im having a mild heart attack  for  past few days...sort of beyond depressed...but too tired for it to even be in a bad way...just need to accept that we only have so much time in life, and its a guarantee things will gradually or rapidly deteriorate as that is our nature....when I see semi-old photos like this (from 6 years ago now) I just can't imagine going thru it all again no matter how fantastic I felt, no matter how fantastic I looked! I dont know why Im so hard on my self...oh wait! Yes I do....Ive been so beaten up unjustly by people for no good reason for so long-why would I keep kidding myself....I dont need another lesson in pointlessness...Im so the most fantastic person and I guess thats why people hate me...so its my job now to point out how we destroy the best of what god gives us and are more than ever in the process of being screwed right back for such bad judgment.

How often does someone get to see a $400 an hour doctor and be filmmed for a documentary in exchange for the fee? How often are people given scholarships to do yoga for 4-5 hrs a day in Hawaii? I will never understand why I wasn't allowed to create work not only for myself, but I was so good at what I wanted to do, also work in time for dozens, if not hundreds of others spending the money generated etc....fostering children! Being happy and healthy...if I got cancer or a treet falls on my car or body you deal with it as you must and remain happy! But when someone ruins your life for sheer entertainment and pointless egomaniacle need for control? All I think about is where the killer inside comes from. I talk and think tough, but when Jane was following me last week and she brushed my shoulder, there was no feeling of "I wish her dead"...which I guess should come as a relief...however I can't stop think about some creative way to invite her into some kind of boxing ring where I get to slap her so silly and so fast I may give myself a stroke....I realize its no longer about Jane anymore...my life is winding down, Ive got some kind of nasty disease so apparent in my skin...when I see photos of myself I dont look that bad...but thats where its not fair to judge by appearance ...theres  a real illness growing inside of me for years now....an dwhen I think about all the emails I wrote to Bikram HQ begging them not to allow Jane to get awya with the damage she'd caused-they just ignored me...so ya u pick yourself up an dkeep trying to move forward...but then acts of nature when youre in your 50s can be pretty severe...DrOz once said that people over 50 who break a hip have some enormpus likelihood f dying due to complications etc...thats is exactly whats happening to me now. ALthough it's not a broken hip I guess, it's just not working beyond 50% range of movement, which leads to muscle deterioration....

IM haunted by what could have been Jane Kartsch. When I came home from training I was so so so healthy but still on the tight rope...why woudl you push me off? You must answer those question or...god who knwos? Could I possibly go over the edge? Is it your intention to try to drive me to commit suicide, with soem kind of note begging for an investigation that would force your sorry ass to explain yourself in detail? Do you do this to others? Has anyone ever been driven to suicide by Jane Kartsch? (Disclaimer: I would never give the whore the satisfaction. Just demonstrating my love of being a free speaking American. You will one day, Jane, beg me for forgiveness, but I will let Jesus deal with that.

Theres nothing worse than having your prime years stoeln from you and ghaving to listen peole say things like "Youre as young as you feel"...I need to talk to Cher. Can someone please get Cher on the phone? 

Nightmare of a Practice

No other word to describe it. My mind was going a mile a minute-to the point I couldnt concentrate so I went to grab a pen and paper to jot down my genius ideas, and add to my things to do lists....it was insane! Im never that bad....I was reminded about a story Bikram told about Quincy Jones bringing a pen and paper to class in front of him! Bikram pointed out teh irony, the most important thing about a hatha yoga practice is to turn off that mile a minute mind...whole thing in fact I think...

IM having trouble concentrating because IM half listening to an Obama speech cheerleading for alternative enerygy ideas...Its wonderful...Im gonna go listen very smart stuff! Go obama writers!!!

Thats right there is no silver bullet to lower gas prices and anyone who says otherwise is a liar...thats hot when a leader actually leads....Call those asshles liars! Go go go...4 billion dollars we pay the oil industry every year in subsidies....hot pokers for bush cheney and rumsfeld
Brb

Why Yoga Sucked This Morning

I wish I took photos last week, as this is my 6th day in a row I believe (twice yesterday or day before can't remember). I've let myself go since the last traumatic disappointment at least a month without working out and not so much the month before that...seemed to be trying to commit suicide with glazed dunkin donuts...a little too much cellulite to stare at in the mirror, the teacher kept on obsessing about what in the world Jane Kartsch was doing in the "Role Playing/SCiFi Fantasy/Comic Book" section of Barnes and Noble 2 days ago, hiding in the corner? We did lock eyes momentarily as she walked by...oh ya that's right-the teacher is me...alone doing yoga in a quasi warm room...90 sounds hot, but when your body is this fat, and you feel that trashed...that first week of intense heat is crucial to keep me on the daily....
A very nice discovery I made tho about my camel...my knees hurt so much that I felt I had to try keeping them together for extra support. I did it super gently and yet the more I lifted and pushed my hips forward on that lift-an ab workout as good as it gets-must remember that.

The other interesting thing was that I asked my sleeping dog in passing if he wanted to join me in the studio for yoga...and he stood up and followed me, as I veered towards the fridge to grab some water, he went right to the french doors and waited to walk into the warm room me following him at that point-very funny...so he lays there...practicing his breathing I guess.

SOmeone? Please ask Jane what the story is with the Role Playing section of Barnes and Noble...I will forever be fascinated by the woman  who completely and unnecessarily destroyed my health for the latter most critical time of my life....

Simplifications Homework

Wasn't that something our math teachers would say? Simplifications in mathematical formula same thing as how we spend our nano seconds-exploring, discovering how by being fully conscious in our own life experiences vs how the paycheck dictates we have them, we end up creating longer fuller, or at least more fulfilling times.

The side effects of my habitual need to slow things down and see what the universe's advice might be when paths aren't clear, are ironic.  More often than I'd like to admit Ive been treated like Im mentally retarded by the most shallow, misdirected, priorities askew idiots...as if people, at least in the US from my own experience, really cling to a traditional feeling of security based upon a need to feel stronger financial than others...hard to explain...

I still can't get over learning the most amazing thing yesterday on Charlie Rose...that as a society, Japan never fires it's workers. They simply cut their salary in half until they find something else, or possibly even just longer on for a while...It shows so beautifully a vital respect a society needs to have in order to really thrive, to be  one with the spirit of life on the planet as a whole....until I heard that I was sure it didn't exist! Or have a chance any more...

...its just so majestically humane, and I believe it's no accident such a practice isn't implemented in the US....that is what I trying to explore...that hypocritical  facade of stupidity-thats simply must go....Ive below my own practice...but will get back on that horse!

Heart Attackeroo

I've been looking for my bliss thru glazed donuts of late...I few hours ago I was sure I was having a heart attack. A feeling of something as intense as a charlie horse thru my chest, unable to breath for about a minute. I consoled my heart by not forcing a breath, tried to stay calm and finally it passed...ya probably just passing heartburn, but the thought stat went thru my head were very much that of someone who's getting ready to pass on...I imagined what I would do..there are no neighbors I would want to ask for help if need be...and I realized I hate my neighbors so much I'd rather pass out and accept my fate then risk being unconscious and dependent on them for anything-certainly not to be there for my final breath....

It broke my heart to hear about the soap opera actor yesterday who committed suicide over a situation where he was pressured into prematurely euthanizing his dog and then out of guilt took his own life....I was in virtually the same situation in 2003...In the US, in my 40s, not allowed to own a dog etc...the petty crap adults go after each other about have turned me into a professional asshole...Im too old (thanks to god) to give a crap about the opinions of pc people who would succumb to pressure to euthanize their own parents if it were a matter of convenience....

I don't know what the future will bring...we'll see 

Lie only misses an F to make it better...

Sometimes it feels like the world is so counterfeit, everything is a sham. Imagine getting your nutritional advice from a bulimic or having an exercise instructor who is anorexic...

Really it's become a stage of actors more than ever who pick their roles in life the way they do Netflix movies...Does anyone see how that doesn't remain in relm of a whole lot of innocent fibbing going on? That it's all tied to together with the reasons the US debt is owned by societies who jail their own citizens for chewing gum on trains....it's a numbers game thru an dthru...numbers of people times numbers of dollars...and then the icing on top...what am I contributing to make it better pro worse? Ive spent my whole life asking that question-since college anyway....
It just hit me where the origin of the verb lie comes from. It makes sense that to not tell the truth would be the same word as to lay down. Because  when we lie with someone one way to describe it is that it feels like you're surrendering into something with them If it's a minor, time saving, fun, nobody gets hurt lie-we get to laugh with someone. If we're nervous when say a cop asks if you were wearing your seatbelt-it's a totally gray area when a parent may have to decide on feeding their child with that money a ticket is going to cost them. Money that will only be recycled back into more uniforms that spends hour writing tickets and 4 minutes investigating reckless neighbors who destroy property with electrical surges...Anyway, that's to say sometimes breathing a little fast, like when the excitement may only be the covering up of a reality better described as suffocation, because you now share a secret with a schmuck you can only wish you could ever really trust... laying down with chosen conspirators you may in fact truly detest. The world is full of that, whatever that is, exactly. And it shows. To ease the suffering of other's is the only way to spend one's life and feel fulfillment, but that's not as obvious as it seems EVER. Because of the sophisticated way people have learned to act/lie-when they make fortunes doing so, and believe themselves they're so good....not then. Not when people are looking for recognition. It would be when people could effortlessly be who they are without the bs chronically throwing everyone of kilter....Einsenhower much?

I saw this incredible documentary about Philip Glass yesterday on PBS. It hit me, kind of a sense of pride that I ever remotely was acquainted with this incredible person....who's company in fact offered me a music contract-that I perhaps naively turned down. It all happened so fast and I was too busy worrying about being homeless to have even been in my body for the realization anything was happening...but again I digress...Mr Glass spoke about feeling his chi for the first time after 5 years of practicing Qi Qong (sp?) and because of that description I think I just made that connection for myself this morning in the kitchen doing the elvis shake and realizing it's closely related to or perhaps the same thing dogs do when they shake their tails in a way....raina kindalini...nope raina kinda fatty...again...I digress.

I feel like revelations are all around...the ironies, the go figures...the bs in general, where no one is any longer who they say they are really. Scared people with children to rear. But they find that counterfeit money and are handed the keys to an old show no one has heart in anymore. It's like Las Vegas...but before I digress I realized a few moments ago, I think, what QiGong (sp?) is aspiring to help people connect with. Is it chi? Is it kundalini? Who the f wants to argue about yoga-worse yoga teachers who pretend to listen to each other sweetly but underneath are bored to death by fake smile nodding...
Theoretically those with the most money are responsible for the quality of life everyone has. Automatically. So it would hold true that once upon a time wealthy persons would have come into their position somewhat effortlessly because their god given gifts were allowed to shine. But at this point in history, counterfeit money finds its way in the hands of the most mediocre, I should say carefully put their by design, by the powers that be who want to keep the system exactly as it is for as long as possible. Everything Eisenhower warned about has happened and no one knows what to do.
I just want to do my yoga that miraculously was keeping me healthy, saving my life more than ever of rthe past 6 years and yet the "community" is so full of bullshit people its a minefield. I read online somewhere recently the term "yoga squat" and interestingly enough, I had this premonition a bit later that the person who had written it had this vibe that they were using their yoga as a cover for prostitution.  Im not passing judgment, it's just that sometimes it's such a relief to state the obvious-that's why Bikram is so protective of something that could so easily be squandered by some pretty young leggy chick who happenes to be a great enough actress to play the role of yoga teacher....peopel get hurt in their classes...and also outside their classroom. The deception factor in society determines health care, not money. It may be too late for all of us to admit that in time to turn anything around, but it feels good to have hung in instead of giving in to the temptation that would have me partnered with a lie and the chronic suffocation that I imagine would turn a person into a driverless soul...they become yoga teachers too...simply because everyone likes to eat.

#@%* Yogi's Say

Omg how they tortured me when I came home from training. I was driven into paranoia, made to feel I could be fired over the drop of a hat. Jane started it but there's a sick mentality out there that get's off on tormenting.

Karma Kanon

It took me like 10 years to slowly get fat. From the age of 16 (above on right) until about the age of 35 I was always pretty skinny. From 35 to 40 I started to grow wider...by 45 I got up to 206 pounds. Thats when I went full on crazy doing Bikram Yoga every day for 41/2 months and did that (on right). I had so much help that it didn't seem hard. I had personal sessions with Dr Joel Fuhrman, I started working at the youa studio I was practicing at-so I immersed myself and made it happen relatively quickly. I was also embarking on a new career that I was so certain was perfect for me-thrilled about the future even though I was surrounded by such idiocy....

Tonight while opening my front door with my hands full holding onto something between my knees, ny knee buckled underneath me and I fell screaming. ALone in the dark with my 4 dollar coffee on the floor, one of my scary neighbors sympathetically yelled over "You ok? You sure?" I said Ya and just closed the door, layer down in the dark and didn't move, trying to perform a psychic star trek surgery on my pain, to try to erase it away, or somehow invent the time machine to take me back 45 seconds....my body is giving out. My rotator cuff appears to be tearing day by day, my knees tripping on itself, my back has me moving like Im 80 years old-it's all going south....all I tried to do was teach and practice yoga to try to stay healthy. I knew it was a critical time I may never be able to recapture...(go to hell every judgmental asshole who thinks their hallmark card advice about moving on is in anyway comforting)...but Im connecting with my peace inside like never before-getting in touch with a karma canon.

Can Yoga Wreck Your Life Jane?

This reminds me of almost every yoga teacher I've ever know, even a few Bikram teachers I hate to admit. Must read the NYTimes article from last weekend if you haven't:

"Indian practitioners of yoga typically squatted and sat cross-legged in daily life, and yoga poses, or asanas, were an outgrowth of these postures. Now urbanites who sit in chairs all day walk into a studio a couple of times a week and strain to twist themselves into ever-more-difficult postures despite their lack of flexibility and other physical problems. Many come to yoga as a gentle alternative to vigorous sports or for rehabilitation for injuries. But yoga’s exploding popularity — the number of Americans doing yoga has risen from about 4 million in 2001 to what some estimate to be as many as 20 million in 2011 — means that there is now an abundance of studios where many teachers lack the deeper training necessary to recognize when students are headed toward injury. “Today many schools of yoga are just about pushing people,” Black said. “You can’t believe what’s going on — teachers jumping on people, pushing and pulling and saying, ‘You should be able to do this by now.’ It has to do with their egos.”
-William J. Broad


It's so true.The worst teachers are the younger ones who are clueless about how easily bombes and ligaments can snap when you get into you 40s-30s even.Everyone is different. But it makes you realize why it takes a rare special persona to truly be a great yoga teacher.  Not these attractive long legged model types who decided this would be a "fun job" solely... 
I disagree with some of what he says however. In our Bikram training they very much teach us about injury. Bikram's schtick "kill yourself" was more meant as a battle cry against the hippie mindset that equated yoga with incense burning and prematurely teaching people who weren't really ready tricks to fake "meditate" etc etc . 


Read on:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/magazine/how-yoga-can-wreck-your-body.html?pagewanted=all

Godly Men

"For my mother, who always knew that butter was better for you than margarine" -Michael Pollack

"Hey! C'est la puta! C'est la puta!" - Tha's what she said! Never even noticed her before some nameless dime a dozen pregnant hispanic woman, who's lard fills the hearts and souls of thousands of her future sperm donors. The shocking disrespect made me realize my new years resolution needs to be even more notoriously honest than ever before. Geographically speaking, overpopulation ally speaking....go line up to give birth not in my backyard...Can't believe I was trained to believe that was xenophobic to point out the wear and tear on the natural resources...I can't afford to be the truffle farmer I was put here on this planet to be because a bunch of Nixon Reagan business philosophers decides to look at human beings all being worth at least $1 each....billions made that way by selling a nail... Happy New Year. Does anyone still live in south and central america or are they all in Peekskill Ossining and Tarrytown continually widening highways, so we can make widening the highways the new farming? Eat well for health you say? Grow your food where? Buy your food with what? Can't ask the hard questions because you need to feed your children. Can't risk being misunderstood and targeted as a result because it's more important to care about the opinion of who? Gophra Spinfree

Never too Hot Never too COLD

It stings your skin it's so cold. So I've reasoned that I can wait to do yoga tomorrow, rationalizing that my footprint will be smaller. Again not doing yoga? Apparently. Since 2006 until recently, I'd pretty much been doing my Bikram class everyday, even with half the people I knew either trying to stop me from working as a teacher, and or getting in the way of practicing even. As a result, all Im left with is my ironic story...

What a woos.

You are your workout. I want to do a painting of an obese woman...like Precious's mother (in the film of same name). I have the image in my mind with  multiple umbilical chords connected to her coming from things like dunkin donuts, injured soldiers, dead soldiers, oil cans, basically all the artificial life-support, and death support that goes into keeping this strange human specimen alive....her arrogance greater only than her ignorance from her being sold some belief that taught her to believe she (and the billions just like her) have a right to better automobiles...compliments of the ones who made too many one day.

Notoriously Honest: No Money No Love-Too Hard for Most to Admit

When we put our ear to a door to quietly listen to a beckoning whisper, we finger any dangling hair away behind the ear as if the slightest interference is as if life or death precision. Good or bad. It's called consciousness. Degrees of which vary enormously  from person to person. Individuals with different directions, different priorities, different definitions of different....and yet that is the only thing there is. Don't need to say "thats the only thing that matters" because it's all there is. The cosmic friction we prefer to call "our most important life contributions" is so rarely much more than projected self importance no matter how well it hides behind philanthropic bs.  What my brother did to me last night is where it's clear to me something has to give.

What is it people are holding on to really with the illusion of even family.  I think it's as beautiful as it seems most important to be a part of a family until people hurt. Then it starts to become a contradiction, an hypocrisy. That's not to say it should end. Of course that's where people work through and find the sense of humor. The most important thing.  But to admit the irony is so hard for people. I can't help but feel its as easy to fix as it is simple and basic.

When I spoke with Jack Kartsch last week I realized that something really has to give.  It may sound contradictory but I don't normally like to write to include too much basic detail that might fall into the massive enemy brain...but for xmas today Im going to give myself the that gift of complete freedom...not from a negative place of feeling like it's all over anyway. I will come from a positive place of knowing it's all over anyway-sadly for all of us.  If only a few more people understand the true value, true wealth in sparing us from their counterfeit manicured fake lives and relationships bullshit.

If I were to say "Jack Kartsch sort of flirted with me, and in a moment of laughter I think we may have felt fallen in love." I would be writing a novel intended for one person to read.

Jane has no idea the degree to which loosing the financial ability to be able to afford to stay in touch with family members, as the older one's I haven't seen in decades start to die off. Or the more immediate who are so resentful, of monies borrowed and lost and the tolls all these tedious details take...all from having that one last truly great, perfect opportunity not lost, but taken away....I either kill myself or I stick my face in theirs and try to map ether see how what they've done to me is just a shot away from murder. I went to bed last night with the realization that my own flesh and blood hates me enough to want to see me dead. Pretty sure thats his own anger management issue...but is it? What the hell do people like Jane Kartsch go out and spread that poisons already delicate bonds teetering on never speaking to each other again.

What I couldn't seem to get Jack to understand, or admit at least, was that Jane is allowed to hate me. Despise away. But for her to go out of her way to talk to people during my $12,000 training program....and there exists a police report against me? So clearly an abuse of police time....but she never get's in trouble for any of this? While Im put in a position where most people would blow their own brains out? I simply drove down the street of a brother I have not spoken one word to in 19 years, and for stopping my car in front of his home, with my entire family in it as I looked at them through the window...my brother came out looked at me for the first time in years since we've even seen each other and said "Oh my god it's psycho" then grabbed the collars of his 2 dogs to run back into the house. He turned to yell very loudly "Im gonna call the police." Interestingly enough not even "If you don't go I will call the police".... just a direct kill.

In other words I was threatened with arrest for driving by my brother's home on xmas eve, full of our mutual family. But no one can tell me what this is? This inclination to say those words to me "call the police"? Seriously. From this point on my life is solely dedicated to having that one simple question answered. I know more than ever the truth will set me free. It's a small town as it is a small world after all. It sort of made me laugh at a xmas party recently how these shallow women who think they're too good to talk to me will copy my dance moves on the dance floor still :) What makes me bitter is the way people will steal each other's very essence to feed their egotistical motivation and thats as far as it goes. People have no problem with strip mining you dry to better themselves and leave you street level at death's door if it's more convenient. Life will always be this way. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. What bothers me is people's fear of at least admitting it.

Like a bunch of 9 year olds....so Ive hammered in the last nail myself by talking about everything too openly at times?  Recording everything for the film that may never come to fruition? Yet the whole point is Im the one with the records but they'll still try to argue their lies-this is worth the time-Because if people would let this happen to me-and I've said it since Deborah Moore first started it all, it's only a matter of time before we're at war and the whole country is past history and desperately trying to hold onto the industrial military complex that writes our best, most popular propaganda. As if the hatred the Bush family's oil business needs inspired in millions upon millions of human beings who dream with smiles on their faces of violent surprises attacking the bliss we've taken for granted for so long.....

....yet there is my peace...while these hateful liars still need to pretend they're mind games will win....Im declaring it's over. Someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on.

Merry Xmas Beloved Jesus.

Chachachachacolate

Note to self:

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/weight-watchers-chocolate-banana-wontons

Apple n Eve from Concentrate

I want to try to explain why I cling to this yoga, since 1989, all through life's most hurtful contradictions, although a challenge and not always achievable, still always attempting to go for a daily practice.

One night last week the husband of a colleague said something in passing that was a scoff at "my" yoga compared to his experience with yoga. Since yoga technically includes everything there is no actual right or wrong in a way. It was so subtle I would be accused of paranoia for thinking about it too long-except for the fact that the dig was SO obvious even to another yoga teacher who heard it too. She gave me that wide eyed look that says "Wo! Uncool dude! What was that about?"

Allow me to tell you what it is about. No one was offering yoga in any gym in westchester 20 yrs ago, but I walked into a Gold's Gym in Croton on Hudson NY in 1993 and asked them to consider allowing me to teach a yoga class, Since I learned this in 1989, and Bikram was the only yoga I really knew I would have taught a Bikram style Class. But they didnt take me seriously and laughed me out of the building. Why? Because I didnt have any money. I had the idea at the front desk while filling out a job app. The credibility wasnt there. So sort of understandable (and its not like I pushed the issue harder tham that). But it's no coincedence that here I am almost 20 yrs later still being interfered with. Still being ruined by people who I beat hands down as both a teacher AND (back then anyway) a practicioner-skip all the photos of splits in the air in balletic showing off as a child...

Too simplistic an explanation? Not at all. I was creatively trying to make work for myself. So right on the mark with what was trending=but when you don't have capital, an element of being almost like an untouchable takes over. Alone. All the "important" friends who are more comfortable controlling the mouths of the peers who know each other's secrets...Im loud. And like My boss Andrew once said "You know what youre problem is? You say things about people you cant get away with unless you have a lot of money." Or in my case Any. The disdain I feel over a loss of so many years for no reason whatsoever, other than a biley sickly unconsciousness that Disney based their mirror mirror on.

Valuable work obviously as the yorktown studio expnads into it's second location in the city. But Im left cashless because Im stupid? Because Im obnoxious when Im robbed of a crucial beautiful plan late in life? Because Im not capable of reciting a 90 minute dialogue effectively? Because I understand the magic life healing force of yoga without even trying and have since I was a child (on some level)? I hobestly cant remember the name of the man who's provoked this feeling of pure rage. SO many years spent trying to "help" the people...who are as lovely as dragonflies and butterflies level focus. hatha yoga isnt about letting the ups and downs of human relationship get in the way of the purest human workout available.

A $12,000 investment blow up and family relationship destroyed. Because people like to crucify each other in gossip. I mean this nameless man represents a chain of talk I wouldnt waste my time, lower myself into bothering to think about. Effortlessly see thru...Years lost because lies were unleashed upon an innocent person's life. I was robbed because of a stupidity run amok. My yoga shows me OUR reality. Especially when it's all I have-was Bikram Yorktown worried I might only have my eye on the same 2000 people when there are 200,000 people all over the place? There is no explanation as to why key people in my life at key moments backstabbed me so shamelessly. All I know is that counterfeit money squashes what it's jealous of. A freedom few get to ever experience as they're too busy torturing each other with their smiles and scoffs...Ill edit the typos AFTER I practice....keeping ,y priorities straight....Feel free to learn just by walking past... dear one. Welcome. Peace. Can't touch this. I am probably the fkn proverbial princess you never got to boff,while Bob Dylan's song Like a Rolling Stone applies in your mind-what a sad delusional hater joke :( watch me cling.

Something Hideous About Fat

There is something hideous about fat, but we pretend otherwise in order to be polite. It reveals a kind of out of control something...accidental? On purpose? It reveals something about indulgence or disease and disorder. But we pretend otherwise. The result is an accepted normalcy about mutilating surgeries like having the majority of one's stomach removed. Million dollar industries created on such perversions...and I cant afford to fix my teeth? There is a deep running violence and hypocrisy that will one day come to a head because that's how it goes...until that time...go inside and exploring one's yoga such a better idea...

Squatch for the Day

Inner peace is like the Sasquatch—many people claim it's real, but most remain skeptical until the moment it seizes them while they're meditating on a mountaintop.

Droga

So for the first time in my life I did yoga an hour after taking an Oxycodone. It was like magic. It felt almost like nothing was wrong, but I knew to be very careful about thay drunken illusion. I would never recommend anyone be even mildly altered while practicing ever. But My back and hip pain are literally bringing me down rapidly. To be able to move as I did last night was so healing. I worried about how I would feel this morning. But Im ok. I'll wait a day before I do it again...this time I want to use the drugs regularly (instead of only when it was absolute hell) as a doctor told me so I dont loose the rest of my body!  (duh)
My whole adult life I shunned even asprin after a gym teacher pointed out hidingthe pain would inevitably lead to worsened injury...although I still buy into that...Im getting older and shit REALLY hurts! The emotional down from not being able to walk etc..you so start to grow cobwebs...anyway...for the sake of science Im going to document my expeience with this next 15 pills.....and hopefully keep a close eye on my self and fix this 7 month long pain with the yoga.
There is some aleve ad running on tv of late with a yoga teacher who says she needs her pain meds to put on a good front for the people....i thought at first "She obviously doesn't know about Bikram. She does stupid yoga etc" but Im seeing things more forgively now after last night....brb for a spell check!

Oxy Yoga ad the Brain Washed World

We've evolved past times where we should be worry about how things "seem" to ther people...it should be crazy unbridled blogging for ideas-instead everyone is afraid of each other. Why? Mayb because if you tak ethe money away you'd find you have no one who gives a crap about you? Fact. Yoga anyone?
Talking about drugs makes people uncomfortable. I was prescribed oxycodone back in Feb after a bad fall, and I took unti july to use those 15 pills-but if I mention to an acquaintance anything about my experience-the mere mention of the word "oxy" has her mind running to the gutter. Her eye tell me she thinks suddenly Im Rish Limbaugh etc....This is why my grandmother always claimed TV was evil-now I get it-she was right in a way...too bad she didnt have a better way of expressing it (angrily shutting off I Love Lucy in the middle when I was like 7...that didnt fly) .... why we're afraid to really talk to each other is because of the created instability from mood swings...sthe system tries not to allow for it. Ever since reagan this uber patriotic nationalism has reigned. In previous generations Im sure to some degree also...but I was only 12 and I could see the choreography behind Ronnie going on...I made the mistake of believing the adults would see it too-had no idea they would run with it....alas I realize how few understand :(
So in other words talking about the need to be comfortable is a touchy subject. Isnt that fascinating? Words are so much more valuable than money because they're that powerful. That precious. But people don't want to use the dictionary and learn to describe their own journey through life, even just in conversation. People nowadays want to memorize the required thinking best, and thats how society more than ever allows some to excell (lol I forget how to spell the real word)...and some to fall between the cashless cracks.
When there is money there is a garden to grow and enjoy life to some degree or another, but  the illusion so many have that they are chosen or anything but lucky is why things appear to be coming apart at the seams according to TV. The military industrial system has taken a big dump and what;s happened in London (maybe WI and I dont know where else) will be coming to a theater near us guaranteed.
Ive been blessed with an angel in my life this year and Im alive because of her. I try not to go too deeply into analyzing this fortune, but I mention it because I have so brutally victimized by other "yoga teachers" in the past 5 years I have to laugh when I think how a child locked up in a basement or in a box finds his or her way (are these tv stories real? or just meant to get us thinking? abouut what they want us to think about).
Is it because taking longer, time to write both words "his and hers" that I ran into a beautiful young woman a few weeks ago who had her breasts cut off for political reasons?  The first time I was given a visual of a man chopping off a womans breasts was in a story about war in Nicaragua. Is that really 30 yrs ago? The visual always stuck with me. I was horrified because I felt the rage coming from the man and in an instant I understood the reality of the rape....but Im expected to congratulate her and be politically correct, because Cher's daughter moved past nipple rings at an earlier age? I mean....I am not judging...the girl (mo boy she wants to be called) was so beautiful inside and out, she's allowed....but it's like our ability to express what we feel is so stuffled by image conscious superficiality...its like its chronic...
Mark Twain couldn't reveal who he was because of all the stupidity that rushes to murder in the world....maybe its too late? But if people dont start exercising their tongues? This tower of babble will crumble sooner than later.

Destination Stillness

I felt myself struggling with my balance yesterday. On thinking about the word struggle I realized I was doing more of a slow dance with my balance. trying to console it back into place with my breath, Keeping it small unril you gain balance is key. Then of course when you're rooted and steadily pushing through into what you're body will allow you that day. A lovely satisfying, healing stretch (or tourniquet release).

To hold the posture honestly, in a place you can maintain that surging blood from head to toe feeling is the desired goal really. Hard to describe, so important to remember.

The Book Deal

Gazpacho Daze

Gazpacho Recipe
Prep time: 15 minutes
INGREDIENTS
6 ripe tomatoes, peeled and chopped
1 purple onion, finely chopped
1 cucumber, peeled, seeded, chopped
1 sweet red bell pepper (or green) seeded and chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1-2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
2 Tbsp chopped fresh chives
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
2 Tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 teaspoons sugar
Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste
6 or more drops of Tabasco sauce to taste
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce (omit for vegetarian option)
4 cups tomato juice Sacramento, although too much sugar...always adds a special something(?)

The Butterfly e Factor

It's mornings like this one that make me feel amazed at how hard I worked at my yoga training. I lost 30 pounds and more importantly this aging feeling of creeping cancerous death was all but gone. I was looking though old pictures and noticed one or two of myself...and I thought wow. only 4 years ago. What happened? I mean life and death difference. Sure they're only photos but still. I put together 3 shots of myself on graduation day and that made it more scientific somehow....I was so happy. Has anyone who's lost a lot of weight ever experienced having the dorr slammed in their face? Imagine being locked out f weight watchers meetings? Seriously? What would you have to do? How bad must someone have to be to make another stop them in the middle of loosing 54 pounds? Add on the 30 in training and THAT was my job. Representing how it works fo rme. Nothing superficial abpout it. btb

Yoga MRI

Forgive me if I get overly dramatic here, but I happened to catch a glimpse of my feet's impression in my towel this morning and it threw me for a loop. Guess which side knee surgery lost body parts? I dont know maybe its just the towel and any minor movement while doing pranayama? The story it tells! Such insight into what's going on or not going on inside. Now as I look at the photo about 12 hours later its as if I can feel what Im seeing. It's like an MRI and an xray and a finely printed work of art. In an instant I can see how Im favoring one side or the other. Right leg seems sad and overworked, while right foot appears to be as calm as lake placid...(have not been but Im guessing is usually calm(?)

Not simply "yoga" but a strong yoga practice is as thorough as any medicine. I used to make it a point to go to classes with my favorite teachers. It just seemed practical and made class easier somehow. But when I see whole classes moving together as fragile flocks of birdies, who barely go twice a month anyway, suddenly not showing up for the substitute...I realize why I have never seen any yoga class in my life ever come close to the effectiveness of Bikram. When the favorite teachers arent available it's still great. Even when it's bad it's great. As long as the bad teacher doesnt torture us for more than the alloted 90 anyway...

My body has really been hurting somewhat as of late, not sure why.  I only feel good on some days practicing-as if it's my respirator. The heater my artificial life support. Ive found myself doing a lot of "mickeymouse stuff" as Bikram calls it. "Take it easy baby" therapy on my own is the cure for whatever ails you tho. Damn this stuff is good.

In Memory of Bishnu Ghosh

"The Year 2003 marks the 100th anniversary of the birth of Bishnu Charan Ghosh, one of the greatest and most influential yoga masters of the past century, guru of Bikram Choudhury. Ghosh, born in Lahore, India in 1903, was a celebrated physical culturist and the first to scientifically document Yoga's ability to cure chronic physical ailments and heal the body. Beginning in the 1920's, he developed a school of Yoga that provides a unique blend of spiritual inspiration and a highly disciplined physical regimen.

Ghosh came from an extraordinary family. He was initiated into the field of yogic exercise and physical education by his guru and older brother, Paramahansa Yogananda, the world renowned Yogi and spiritual master. Yogananda founded the Self Realization Fellowship Center and his book, "Autobiography of a Yogi", continues to be one of the best known and influential works of our time.

Bishnu Ghosh was also a scholar and a lawyer who was very active in India's struggles for independence from Great Britain. Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru (India's first Prime Minister after it became an independent nation) and Bishnu Charan Ghosh in 1938.

Ghosh developed a Yoga regimen that provides a unique blend of spiritual inspiration and highly disciplined physical exercise. His view of the human body as the temple of a living God has been a major force in the renaissance of Hatha Yoga in the West. In 1923, at the young age of 20, he founded the first Ghosh College of Physical Education in Calcutta and his fame quickly spread throughout India. Other schools were opened, first in India, and then in locations around the world.

In 1939, Ghosh came to the United States to educate people on the subject of yoga by giving demonstrations of amazing yoga feats. He lectured at Columbia University in New York, generating a great deal of interest in the field, and was widely acknowledged and respected in the academic community.

In 1968 he went to Japan with his troupe and traveled all over the country giving lectures and yogic demonstrations. Ghosh's were the first yoga exhibitions to be televised outside of India, and were seen and loved by millions of Japanese. He passed away in 1970. His legacy is being continued by his son, Biswanath Ghosh, the current director of the Ghosh College in Calcutta.

His students and disciples have gained worldwide recognition as yoga teachers and have won many titles, including the 'Mr. Universe' competition. One of them, Bikram Choudhury, has carried the message of the curative powers and benefits of yoga, and the possibility of a disease-free long life, around the world. He has trained thousands of teachers and has over 500 affiliated schools."

 

-Tanya Halsall

 

 

Infommercial SchmarmYness

A few years back I posted on a bulletin board a flyer that had a before and after photo. "Let me give you a reality check?" a friend or acquaintance offered "Don't post a pic of yourself looking like that man." At the time I was like 46, Jane had virtually ruined me, was I desperate? Maybe? But I still look at it based on the contrast. I guess I sound like Im selling something and that's embarrassing...

I just now turned on the TV listening to weightloss infomercials and hear so many of the same things Ive said over the years, my own words. But when I still whip out that photo to show people the miracle I still in awe by it...That's one reason Im so stuck on confronting Jane-it tortires me to think how little time I had to really hit it home...and now it looks like Ive failed myself, and naturally this affects my ability to have people's confidence when I dont seem to even be able to take care of myself in the eating dept...I dunno.....The TV ads make me feel sik that I would ever sound like that though...so I will stop whipping ut the pic...... I never meant to sound so superficial or look like a clown. Just a fact that the transformation was so magical. If only I was left alone to take it to the next (miraculous) level.....but one last time world here it is. The 3 time miracle.

Preying For Healing

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. My back hurts so much at times but I'm feeling with patience injury will reverse. Rabbit feels so powerful, even when I can't fully execute the healing radiates throughout from head to toe.

Health and Friendships

Looking at some old photos from training sometimes...makes me sad....I was so on my way to get super healthy but even when things were good I wasn't quite there yet. I still wanted to drop another 20 and loose all that damaging pressure on my joints from being overweight for so long....woops there I go again...trying to understand why people can be so cruel...

Never too Old Never Too Anything to Experience Bikram

YOGA 911

After months of going without a heated studio and debilitating injuries from February, my body is finally starting to heal steadily. For the first time in months I was able to do a few postures I'd lost touch with. My hip injury is slowly staring to correct itself although I still can't fully use it even in soem very basic postures. But practicing twice a day is like magic.

For a few seconds I found myself holding my breath in my Camel posture tonight. This made me realize there is definitely a fear factor inside of me still. Im reluctant to push myself to hard when it feels like things could still snap. So my consciousness of what Im doing deepens emotionally. That relaxation plain and simply opens up the blood vessels even more to bring the nutrient rich blood to stimulate the healing....I can feel that magical buzz from head to toe. Even after all the hell Ive been put through, there are moments lately when I feel like life couldnt get any better-thanks to this yoga.

Bikram Bliss

The therapy of the heat, especially when you're overweight and or out of shape, is what makes people return in droves to their Bikram practice. Compared to other yogas more suited for people who are  younger, naturally stronger and more flexible than most, Bikram has a kind of consoling, comforting safety net with the heat factor.

Although I lost 12 pounds over the past 2 weeks, I seem to have plateaued. Making a second, gigantic lasagna this week and devouring most of it myself undoubtedly a factor...
but still the privilege of having such an incredible heated space at my fingertips again is still working its magic. Everyone should have a Dayton heater in their home to experience practicing alone once in a while I daresay.

Minnesota is that You?

Someone or thing from Minnesota is visiting just about every page Ive ever had online (including this one every day this week...)...Lots of Micrsoft visits too, Chinese loBOTomies....should I be flattered?

using the breath to console the heart

Ive done yoga at least once a day, more in fact twice a day since June 4. Im down 12 pounds. This is what the hot temperature allows me to maintain, almost effortlessly. The heat some might want to argue is all in my head, but who is anyone to deny such dramatic resultat?  The hot temp is key. Espsecially when Im with injuries and being out of shape, the heat is a saving grace. It's hard to explain that to other people who dont do the yoga...sounds to them its just a factor in my head I might be making more out of etc....Its so hard not to imagine the incredible shape I would be in today, if people didnt sabotage my practice. But now at least with the heat, I feel like I can transport myself more systematically into a meditative practice that deepens every day.

As I loose weight I start to feel there's hope Ill be able to run again. Maybe restore back to factory settings even at my age. The sheer joy of doing Bikram with authentically heated room, on my own, without interruption is I believe more powerful than anything a doctor could do....I gate to wosh the summer away but if Im left to practice for 2 mos, no one will recognize me I will be so healthy, maybe dazzling.....What could possibly happen to stop me? What snarling vindictive human being will try?

One day Jane Kartsch will explain to me what I ever did to her, that she would set so much evil in motion against me, vindictively make it her mission to stop me from having a career as a Bikram Yoga Teacher. It will be before a jury who will award me a small fortune as if anything could ever compensate for my infinte loss.

Jabe Kartsch likes to tell people I didnt graduate from Bikram Teacher Training. Maybe someone can tell me why? I can't think of anything more evil than denying yoga to anyone...what horrible thing must someone do to be banned from practicing? When my lawyer friend offered to write to her to try to get at the heart of the matter, I never imagined she would be stupid enough to respond at all, but to actually put in prunt her contradictory statement, all complaining of aftyer the fact issues we've gad. AFTER she started her smear campaign....Thank you Bikram fo this incredible unfolding of justice, right before my eyes. Make me strong enough to inspire others to learn how to find such inner joy and peace.

Dayton Heaters, Sea Buckthorn Juice and 12 Pounds down!

Bikram Yoga is for everyone, everyone just doesn't know it yet :) We put up the Dayton heater less than 2 weeks ago and Ive faithfully done the yoga at least once a day since. Ive not changed my diet per se, the daily practice just has me eating less automatically. Its like you can feel everything coming back online, back on track and Ive dropped 12 pounds in less than 2 weeks. The only thing I added in my life was Sea Buckthorne berry juice and I must say an ounce of that a day may have curbed my appetite dramatically. Because I am usually famished and ready to chow down after a Bikram workout but not this round. Also a surprise visit from a dear friend gave my libido a dose of happy love to add to the mix....whatever the case Im back on track :)

Happy Thoughts

When I turned on this old laptop the usual error message asking me to correct date & time showed: "12/31/1969" Sometimes it feels like a conspriacy of google proprtions, a la the  Truman show to keep me happy and from jumpin'...One of the most vivid memories of great joy and happiness in my life, I started meditating on the memories, the smell of my parents house in Croton, their friend's cigarettes and the booze and food smells as my 9 yr old friend Nancy Taylor (from Yorktown)  and I ran up and down the stairs waiting for the ball to drop....anyway....when I entered 5/31/11 11:00pm it had that very second turned 11pm without even looking....I enjoy a lovely degree of kismet almost every hour of my life...stupid little sign posts along the way that make me feel Im conversing with god, that Im on my path and I get the power of breath, and strong as ever-spiritually anyway....no matter janes of the world exist ....2 completely different servers setting my date and time 24 hrs before Im posting? How could it possibly be?

Sitting and Deterioration

I just heard a very interesting story about  how sitting for too long can do just as much damage as smoking. It was a 30 second teaser actually about a segment on 5pm news tomorrow evening. Now that I think of it, there was another story this morning claimed that cell phones were as dangerous as smoking and even lead poisoning.

It reminded me of a doctor's condescending face when I held my hand up with a black as night pin size bump right on the spot where I hold the damn phone like it became a vital organ at some point. I walked out of her examination room without saying goodbye....because that moment reminded me of what a total waste of time Drs have been in my life.  Except for a small few. So why do I bother going I asked myself.

For six months Ive been in one way or another kept from being able to practice over the past 6 months. Whether its a radiator problem that keeps me from driving 2 hrs to take another 2 hrs to practice (4+ hrs everyday? Who does that?) I did that for 3 yrs, and still had to escape 1200 miles, far away from Bikram Yorktown's owner Jane Kartsch to try to salvage what was left of my ruined life.....but I digress, as I will for as long as I live until Jane either apologizes or explains.

I spoke with some very important sounding prosecutor yesterday at the dog park about what happened. But as I simultaneously watched him controlling his dog by quietly subtly  telling the canine he might be choked to death if he didnt obey....I realized I was just talking to myself out loud....but a sweet teenage girl and another guy did seem to try to understand....it made me realize I will ask every single person I meet probably for the rest of my life, who gets away with filing false police reports?

Just like most everyone I know telling me to "move on", even the Yorktown DA's office said the same thing. "Nothing happened! No harm was done." they said. Even when I told them the report was used to interfere with a $12,000 training program and future bosses who'd hired me (as the felonious witch called every Bikram studio in the tri state area for godsake to tell them) that I was "dangerous" and not to be trusted, hired, or EVEN allowed to practice they said "Hard to prove." Even when I answered "But I have her emails to, and forwarded to me from Bikram Headquarters she didnt realize I'd ever see! She is caught caught caught period...but they are busy working for their political careers..unpracticed in recognizing (see http://www.callthepolice.com to see police report and excerpts from Jane's own lawyers pathetic attempt at explaining "why" she was alarmed and felt the "need" to call police  (catching her ironically, only in proving what a fabricating, vile bacteria she is in the end)...unless youve been the victim of slander you cant know. The fact that the subject is yoga makes it seem harmless to anyone else but me....except the poeple who know as much as I do stopping me from practicing was an outright assault....

Woops there I go away from the point again....sitting....the depression Ive allowed to manifest in my body for the past 6 months has aged me 20 yrs. Janes wrath continues to live on even when I moved 1200 miles from her breath...the damage, like induced cancer lives on....I write instead of killing myself....Jane Lartsch owes me 5 yrs of my life...everyone knows physics, the game of telephone...

Dont worry Jane we'll find some kind of acceptable settlement that will allow you to see your kids on the weekends.

Oh no! Am I being grumpy again? Its hard accepting being killed off slowly...I certainly wont go quietly...Im still hopeful I can loose a mass of weight one more time at the age of 50....its the question of why that turns my stomach...and breaks my heart over and over feeling no matter what I do it only takes one liar to ruin a life...

woops this is way too long. oh buit youre still reading? must be a stranger or another troublemaking gossiping hypocrite....it dont matter....."winning' :) is a small peace of mind....ask the local Mahopac Judge who told Jane I have a classic case of defamation against her....

There is a kind of wealth that feeds on the existence of poverty to make itself feel something, anything. The soulless make up the number of so many millionaires because theyre able to murder withouit a conscience. THAT is what Jane Kartsch is. I will write about this lair forever and no lawyer would ever dare cease and desist me because THE RECORT and THE FACTS in a snap could land Jane's ass in jail for abusing the system.