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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Heart Attackeroo

I've been looking for my bliss thru glazed donuts of late...I few hours ago I was sure I was having a heart attack. A feeling of something as intense as a charlie horse thru my chest, unable to breath for about a minute. I consoled my heart by not forcing a breath, tried to stay calm and finally it passed...ya probably just passing heartburn, but the thought stat went thru my head were very much that of someone who's getting ready to pass on...I imagined what I would do..there are no neighbors I would want to ask for help if need be...and I realized I hate my neighbors so much I'd rather pass out and accept my fate then risk being unconscious and dependent on them for anything-certainly not to be there for my final breath....
It broke my heart to hear about the soap opera actor yesterday who committed suicide over a situation where he was pressured into prematurely euthanizing his dog and then out of guilt took his own life....I was in virtually the same situation in 2003...In the US, in my 40s, not allowed to own a dog etc...the petty crap adults go after each other about have turned me into a professional asshole...Im too old (thanks to god) to give a crap about the opinions of pc people who would succumb to pressure to euthanize their own parents if it were a matter of convenience....

I don't know what the future will bring...we'll see 

Monday, January 30, 2012

Lie only misses an F to make it better...

Sometimes it feels like the world is so counterfeit, everything is a sham. Imagine getting your nutritional advice from a bulimic or having an exercise instructor who is anorexic...



Really it's become a stage of actors more than ever who pick their roles in life the way they do Netflix movies...Does anyone see how that doesn't remain in relm of a whole lot of innocent fibbing going on? That it's all tied to together with the reasons the US debt is owned by societies who jail their own citizens for chewing gum on trains....it's a numbers game thru an dthru...numbers of people times numbers of dollars...and then the icing on top...what am I contributing to make it better pro worse? Ive spent my whole life asking that question-since college anyway....
It just hit me where the origin of the verb lie comes from. It makes sense that to not tell the truth would be the same word as to lay down. Because  when we lie with someone one way to describe it is that it feels like you're surrendering into something with them If it's a minor, time saving, fun, nobody gets hurt lie-we get to laugh with someone. If we're nervous when say a cop asks if you were wearing your seatbelt-it's a totally gray area when a parent may have to decide on feeding their child with that money a ticket is going to cost them. Money that will only be recycled back into more uniforms that spends hour writing tickets and 4 minutes investigating reckless neighbors who destroy property with electrical surges...Anyway, that's to say sometimes breathing a little fast, like when the excitement may only be the covering up of a reality better described as suffocation, because you now share a secret with a schmuck you can only wish you could ever really trust... laying down with chosen conspirators you may in fact truly detest. The world is full of that, whatever that is, exactly. And it shows. To ease the suffering of other's is the only way to spend one's life and feel fulfillment, but that's not as obvious as it seems EVER. Because of the sophisticated way people have learned to act/lie-when they make fortunes doing so, and believe themselves they're so good....not then. Not when people are looking for recognition. It would be when people could effortlessly be who they are without the bs chronically throwing everyone of kilter....Einsenhower much?

I saw this incredible documentary about Philip Glass yesterday on PBS. It hit me, kind of a sense of pride that I ever remotely was acquainted with this incredible person....who's company in fact offered me a music contract-that I perhaps naively turned down. It all happened so fast and I was too busy worrying about being homeless to have even been in my body for the realization anything was happening...but again I digress...Mr Glass spoke about feeling his chi for the first time after 5 years of practicing Qi Qong (sp?) and because of that description I think I just made that connection for myself this morning in the kitchen doing the elvis shake and realizing it's closely related to or perhaps the same thing dogs do when they shake their tails in a way....raina kindalini...nope raina kinda fatty...again...I digress.

I feel like revelations are all around...the ironies, the go figures...the bs in general, where no one is any longer who they say they are really. Scared people with children to rear. But they find that counterfeit money and are handed the keys to an old show no one has heart in anymore. It's like Las Vegas...but before I digress I realized a few moments ago, I think, what QiGong (sp?) is aspiring to help people connect with. Is it chi? Is it kundalini? Who the f wants to argue about yoga-worse yoga teachers who pretend to listen to each other sweetly but underneath are bored to death by fake smile nodding...
Theoretically those with the most money are responsible for the quality of life everyone has. Automatically. So it would hold true that once upon a time wealthy persons would have come into their position somewhat effortlessly because their god given gifts were allowed to shine. But at this point in history, counterfeit money finds its way in the hands of the most mediocre, I should say carefully put their by design, by the powers that be who want to keep the system exactly as it is for as long as possible. Everything Eisenhower warned about has happened and no one knows what to do.
I just want to do my yoga that miraculously was keeping me healthy, saving my life more than ever of rthe past 6 years and yet the "community" is so full of bullshit people its a minefield. I read online somewhere recently the term "yoga squat" and interestingly enough, I had this premonition a bit later that the person who had written it had this vibe that they were using their yoga as a cover for prostitution.  Im not passing judgment, it's just that sometimes it's such a relief to state the obvious-that's why Bikram is so protective of something that could so easily be squandered by some pretty young leggy chick who happenes to be a great enough actress to play the role of yoga teacher....peopel get hurt in their classes...and also outside their classroom. The deception factor in society determines health care, not money. It may be too late for all of us to admit that in time to turn anything around, but it feels good to have hung in instead of giving in to the temptation that would have me partnered with a lie and the chronic suffocation that I imagine would turn a person into a driverless soul...they become yoga teachers too...simply because everyone likes to eat.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

#@%* Yogi's Say

Omg how they tortured me when I came home from training. I was driven into paranoia, made to feel I could be fired over the drop of a hat. Jane started it but there's a sick mentality out there that get's off on tormenting.

Karma Kanon


It took me like 10 years to slowly get fat. From the age of 16 (above on right) until about the age of 35 I was always pretty skinny. From 35 to 40 I started to grow wider...by 45 I got up to 206 pounds. Thats when I went full on crazy doing Bikram Yoga every day for 41/2 months and did that (on right). I had so much help that it didn't seem hard. I had personal sessions with Dr Joel Fuhrman, I started working at the youa studio I was practicing at-so I immersed myself and made it happen relatively quickly. I was also embarking on a new career that I was so certain was perfect for me-thrilled about the future even though I was surrounded by such idiocy....

Tonight while opening my front door with my hands full holding onto something between my knees, ny knee buckled underneath me and I fell screaming. ALone in the dark with my 4 dollar coffee on the floor, one of my scary neighbors sympathetically yelled over "You ok? You sure?" I said Ya and just closed the door, layer down in the dark and didn't move, trying to perform a psychic star trek surgery on my pain, to try to erase it away, or somehow invent the time machine to take me back 45 seconds....my body is giving out. My rotator cuff appears to be tearing day by day, my knees tripping on itself, my back has me moving like Im 80 years old-it's all going south....all I tried to do was teach and practice yoga to try to stay healthy. I knew it was a critical time I may never be able to recapture...(go to hell every judgmental asshole who thinks their hallmark card advice about moving on is in anyway comforting)...but Im connecting with my peace inside like never before-getting in touch with a karma canon.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Can Yoga Wreck Your Life Jane?

This reminds me of almost every yoga teacher I've ever know, even a few Bikram teachers I hate to admit. Must read the NYTimes article from last weekend if you haven't:

"Indian practitioners of yoga typically squatted and sat cross-legged in daily life, and yoga poses, or asanas, were an outgrowth of these postures. Now urbanites who sit in chairs all day walk into a studio a couple of times a week and strain to twist themselves into ever-more-difficult postures despite their lack of flexibility and other physical problems. Many come to yoga as a gentle alternative to vigorous sports or for rehabilitation for injuries. But yoga’s exploding popularity — the number of Americans doing yoga has risen from about 4 million in 2001 to what some estimate to be as many as 20 million in 2011 — means that there is now an abundance of studios where many teachers lack the deeper training necessary to recognize when students are headed toward injury. “Today many schools of yoga are just about pushing people,” Black said. “You can’t believe what’s going on — teachers jumping on people, pushing and pulling and saying, ‘You should be able to do this by now.’ It has to do with their egos.”
-William J. Broad


It's so true.The worst teachers are the younger ones who are clueless about how easily bombes and ligaments can snap when you get into you 40s-30s even.Everyone is different. But it makes you realize why it takes a rare special persona to truly be a great yoga teacher.  Not these attractive long legged model types who decided this would be a "fun job" solely... 
I disagree with some of what he says however. In our Bikram training they very much teach us about injury. Bikram's schtick "kill yourself" was more meant as a battle cry against the hippie mindset that equated yoga with incense burning and prematurely teaching people who weren't really ready tricks to fake "meditate" etc etc . 


Read on:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/magazine/how-yoga-can-wreck-your-body.html?pagewanted=all

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Godly Men



"For my mother, who always knew that butter was better for you than margarine" -Michael Pollack


"Hey! C'est la puta! C'est la puta!" - Tha's what she said! Never even noticed her before some nameless dime a dozen pregnant hispanic woman, who's lard fills the hearts and souls of thousands of her future sperm donors. The shocking disrespect made me realize my new years resolution needs to be even more notoriously honest than ever before. Geographically speaking, overpopulation ally speaking....go line up to give birth not in my backyard...Can't believe I was trained to believe that was xenophobic to point out the wear and tear on the natural resources...I can't afford to be the truffle farmer I was put here on this planet to be because a bunch of Nixon Reagan business philosophers decides to look at human beings all being worth at least $1 each....billions made that way by selling a nail... Happy New Year. Does anyone still live in south and central america or are they all in Peekskill Ossining and Tarrytown continually widening highways, so we can make widening the highways the new farming? Eat well for health you say? Grow your food where? Buy your food with what? Can't ask the hard questions because you need to feed your children. Can't risk being misunderstood and targeted as a result because it's more important to care about the opinion of who? Gophra Spinfree

Never too Hot Never too COLD

It stings your skin it's so cold. So I've reasoned that I can wait to do yoga tomorrow, rationalizing that my footprint will be smaller. Again not doing yoga? Apparently. Since 2006 until recently, I'd pretty much been doing my Bikram class everyday, even with half the people I knew either trying to stop me from working as a teacher, and or getting in the way of practicing even. As a result, all Im left with is my ironic story...

What a woos.
You are your workout. I want to do a painting of an obese woman...like Precious's mother (in the film of same name). I have the image in my mind with  multiple umbilical chords connected to her coming from things like dunkin donuts, injured soldiers, dead soldiers, oil cans, basically all the artificial life-support, and death support that goes into keeping this strange human specimen alive....her arrogance greater only than her ignorance from her being sold some belief that taught her to believe she (and the billions just like her) have a right to better automobiles...compliments of the ones who made too many one day.