Love, Lies, and Lindberger Cheese

My eyesight is going by the day, Ive felt like Im having a mild heart attack  for  past few days...sort of beyond depressed...but too tired for it to even be in a bad way...just need to accept that we only have so much time in life, and its a guarantee things will gradually or rapidly deteriorate as that is our nature....when I see semi-old photos like this (from 6 years ago now) I just can't imagine going thru it all again no matter how fantastic I felt, no matter how fantastic I looked! I dont know why Im so hard on my self...oh wait! Yes I do....Ive been so beaten up unjustly by people for no good reason for so long-why would I keep kidding myself....I dont need another lesson in pointlessness...Im so the most fantastic person and I guess thats why people hate me...so its my job now to point out how we destroy the best of what god gives us and are more than ever in the process of being screwed right back for such bad judgment.

How often does someone get to see a $400 an hour doctor and be filmmed for a documentary in exchange for the fee? How often are people given scholarships to do yoga for 4-5 hrs a day in Hawaii? I will never understand why I wasn't allowed to create work not only for myself, but I was so good at what I wanted to do, also work in time for dozens, if not hundreds of others spending the money generated etc....fostering children! Being happy and healthy...if I got cancer or a treet falls on my car or body you deal with it as you must and remain happy! But when someone ruins your life for sheer entertainment and pointless egomaniacle need for control? All I think about is where the killer inside comes from. I talk and think tough, but when Jane was following me last week and she brushed my shoulder, there was no feeling of "I wish her dead"...which I guess should come as a relief...however I can't stop think about some creative way to invite her into some kind of boxing ring where I get to slap her so silly and so fast I may give myself a stroke....I realize its no longer about Jane anymore...my life is winding down, Ive got some kind of nasty disease so apparent in my skin...when I see photos of myself I dont look that bad...but thats where its not fair to judge by appearance ...theres  a real illness growing inside of me for years now....an dwhen I think about all the emails I wrote to Bikram HQ begging them not to allow Jane to get awya with the damage she'd caused-they just ignored me...so ya u pick yourself up an dkeep trying to move forward...but then acts of nature when youre in your 50s can be pretty severe...DrOz once said that people over 50 who break a hip have some enormpus likelihood f dying due to complications etc...thats is exactly whats happening to me now. ALthough it's not a broken hip I guess, it's just not working beyond 50% range of movement, which leads to muscle deterioration....

IM haunted by what could have been Jane Kartsch. When I came home from training I was so so so healthy but still on the tight rope...why woudl you push me off? You must answer those question or...god who knwos? Could I possibly go over the edge? Is it your intention to try to drive me to commit suicide, with soem kind of note begging for an investigation that would force your sorry ass to explain yourself in detail? Do you do this to others? Has anyone ever been driven to suicide by Jane Kartsch? (Disclaimer: I would never give the whore the satisfaction. Just demonstrating my love of being a free speaking American. You will one day, Jane, beg me for forgiveness, but I will let Jesus deal with that.

Theres nothing worse than having your prime years stoeln from you and ghaving to listen peole say things like "Youre as young as you feel"...I need to talk to Cher. Can someone please get Cher on the phone? 

Nightmare of a Practice

No other word to describe it. My mind was going a mile a minute-to the point I couldnt concentrate so I went to grab a pen and paper to jot down my genius ideas, and add to my things to do lists....it was insane! Im never that bad....I was reminded about a story Bikram told about Quincy Jones bringing a pen and paper to class in front of him! Bikram pointed out teh irony, the most important thing about a hatha yoga practice is to turn off that mile a minute mind...whole thing in fact I think...

IM having trouble concentrating because IM half listening to an Obama speech cheerleading for alternative enerygy ideas...Its wonderful...Im gonna go listen very smart stuff! Go obama writers!!!

Thats right there is no silver bullet to lower gas prices and anyone who says otherwise is a liar...thats hot when a leader actually leads....Call those asshles liars! Go go go...4 billion dollars we pay the oil industry every year in subsidies....hot pokers for bush cheney and rumsfeld
Brb

Why Yoga Sucked This Morning

I wish I took photos last week, as this is my 6th day in a row I believe (twice yesterday or day before can't remember). I've let myself go since the last traumatic disappointment at least a month without working out and not so much the month before that...seemed to be trying to commit suicide with glazed dunkin donuts...a little too much cellulite to stare at in the mirror, the teacher kept on obsessing about what in the world Jane Kartsch was doing in the "Role Playing/SCiFi Fantasy/Comic Book" section of Barnes and Noble 2 days ago, hiding in the corner? We did lock eyes momentarily as she walked by...oh ya that's right-the teacher is me...alone doing yoga in a quasi warm room...90 sounds hot, but when your body is this fat, and you feel that trashed...that first week of intense heat is crucial to keep me on the daily....
A very nice discovery I made tho about my camel...my knees hurt so much that I felt I had to try keeping them together for extra support. I did it super gently and yet the more I lifted and pushed my hips forward on that lift-an ab workout as good as it gets-must remember that.

The other interesting thing was that I asked my sleeping dog in passing if he wanted to join me in the studio for yoga...and he stood up and followed me, as I veered towards the fridge to grab some water, he went right to the french doors and waited to walk into the warm room me following him at that point-very funny...so he lays there...practicing his breathing I guess.

SOmeone? Please ask Jane what the story is with the Role Playing section of Barnes and Noble...I will forever be fascinated by the woman  who completely and unnecessarily destroyed my health for the latter most critical time of my life....

Simplifications Homework

Wasn't that something our math teachers would say? Simplifications in mathematical formula same thing as how we spend our nano seconds-exploring, discovering how by being fully conscious in our own life experiences vs how the paycheck dictates we have them, we end up creating longer fuller, or at least more fulfilling times.

The side effects of my habitual need to slow things down and see what the universe's advice might be when paths aren't clear, are ironic.  More often than I'd like to admit Ive been treated like Im mentally retarded by the most shallow, misdirected, priorities askew idiots...as if people, at least in the US from my own experience, really cling to a traditional feeling of security based upon a need to feel stronger financial than others...hard to explain...

I still can't get over learning the most amazing thing yesterday on Charlie Rose...that as a society, Japan never fires it's workers. They simply cut their salary in half until they find something else, or possibly even just longer on for a while...It shows so beautifully a vital respect a society needs to have in order to really thrive, to be  one with the spirit of life on the planet as a whole....until I heard that I was sure it didn't exist! Or have a chance any more...

...its just so majestically humane, and I believe it's no accident such a practice isn't implemented in the US....that is what I trying to explore...that hypocritical  facade of stupidity-thats simply must go....Ive below my own practice...but will get back on that horse!