Love, Lies, and Lindberger Cheese

My eyesight is going by the day, Ive felt like Im having a mild heart attack  for  past few days...sort of beyond depressed...but too tired for it to even be in a bad way...just need to accept that we only have so much time in life, and its a guarantee things will gradually or rapidly deteriorate as that is our nature....when I see semi-old photos like this (from 6 years ago now) I just can't imagine going thru it all again no matter how fantastic I felt, no matter how fantastic I looked! I dont know why Im so hard on my self...oh wait! Yes I do....Ive been so beaten up unjustly by people for no good reason for so long-why would I keep kidding myself....I dont need another lesson in pointlessness...Im so the most fantastic person and I guess thats why people hate me...so its my job now to point out how we destroy the best of what god gives us and are more than ever in the process of being screwed right back for such bad judgment.

How often does someone get to see a $400 an hour doctor and be filmmed for a documentary in exchange for the fee? How often are people given scholarships to do yoga for 4-5 hrs a day in Hawaii? I will never understand why I wasn't allowed to create work not only for myself, but I was so good at what I wanted to do, also work in time for dozens, if not hundreds of others spending the money generated etc....fostering children! Being happy and healthy...if I got cancer or a treet falls on my car or body you deal with it as you must and remain happy! But when someone ruins your life for sheer entertainment and pointless egomaniacle need for control? All I think about is where the killer inside comes from. I talk and think tough, but when Jane was following me last week and she brushed my shoulder, there was no feeling of "I wish her dead"...which I guess should come as a relief...however I can't stop think about some creative way to invite her into some kind of boxing ring where I get to slap her so silly and so fast I may give myself a stroke....I realize its no longer about Jane anymore...my life is winding down, Ive got some kind of nasty disease so apparent in my skin...when I see photos of myself I dont look that bad...but thats where its not fair to judge by appearance ...theres  a real illness growing inside of me for years now....an dwhen I think about all the emails I wrote to Bikram HQ begging them not to allow Jane to get awya with the damage she'd caused-they just ignored me...so ya u pick yourself up an dkeep trying to move forward...but then acts of nature when youre in your 50s can be pretty severe...DrOz once said that people over 50 who break a hip have some enormpus likelihood f dying due to complications etc...thats is exactly whats happening to me now. ALthough it's not a broken hip I guess, it's just not working beyond 50% range of movement, which leads to muscle deterioration....

IM haunted by what could have been Jane Kartsch. When I came home from training I was so so so healthy but still on the tight rope...why woudl you push me off? You must answer those question or...god who knwos? Could I possibly go over the edge? Is it your intention to try to drive me to commit suicide, with soem kind of note begging for an investigation that would force your sorry ass to explain yourself in detail? Do you do this to others? Has anyone ever been driven to suicide by Jane Kartsch? (Disclaimer: I would never give the whore the satisfaction. Just demonstrating my love of being a free speaking American. You will one day, Jane, beg me for forgiveness, but I will let Jesus deal with that.

Theres nothing worse than having your prime years stoeln from you and ghaving to listen peole say things like "Youre as young as you feel"...I need to talk to Cher. Can someone please get Cher on the phone?