Four Leaf Clover

My "daily" practice sucks so bad...it's hard to stay motivated when the fresh blubber is staring my aching back in the face...if I had a funeral I can't think of anyone I would want to be there...half ass friends, hypocritical friends, I guess Im lucky to know I have none than all the false friends people think love them...if only they knew that if they didnt have their financially stable circumstances, they would be sort like me...Hey AB? Did you find what you were looking for? Im too smart for my own good...

I once found a four leaf clover. Because the fourth seemed so much smaller it almost didn't seem like it could count as such...Luck is a crazy concept anyway. Lucky to be here right? 

I bought 2 cucumbers last night and 2 plum tomatoes because they were a few pennies cheaper than the vined...tonight I bought 2 whole wheat rolls at the A&P for .69 each. When I finally got up enough gumption to make the cuke salad with half the avocado I had left and my lovely vinaigrette luck didn't seem to be a part of the recipe for the barely healthy dinner I could barely afford.While sskinning the cuke it slipped out of my hand into the nasty slow draining water for a second and just disgusted me so, I shave a good 1/4 inch into it to try to sterilize...there was so much crap in that sink, even eggshells. Then when I was toasting the roll, I got distracted. As I smelled the char starting to smoke I just barely saved it from being totally trashed...

Seriously? Who lives like this? I have no cash flow, and I can't even get a part time job at a gas station. It was explained to me that the owners wife, some woman named ______, who "just doesn't like you (me)." I don't know the woman from Adam, but she knows me obviously...or at least thinks she does.

I do know that she seems like she's about 30 years younger than her husband the garage owner...it's not fair to generalize but that is classically an indication of an"old-digger" Although her hubby seems like a lovely man....what am I getting at? 

It's no accident that I can barely afford a cucumber salad. It's a combination of a few different things like random displaced hatred coupled with, insecure jealous wives, and a dash of ThinBlueLine survival for 19 years...but it all adds up to a simple case of "No money no honey."

People with money, or even just the security from having a little steady money, believe that they are smarter, or somehow born luckier...when really they're just the more ruthless cut throat types....who understand the practical aspects of marriage of convenience...and any single woman who comes along to remind them of their shallow decisions, or sacrificed freedom, they subconsciously want to destroy...

My life has been so completely destroyed socially for the most evil, lying of reasons, at least I had my will...for a while after the lok out, tat is until I fell last year...not being able to walk at my age has been the final nail in the coffin...it's like my body is completely falling apart every which way as a result...and the depression that goes with it prepares me for not panicking at the prospect of death coming sooner than later....The realization of how little anyone can afford to care about me came a few years back when I was sure I was having a heart attack...thats quite something, to experience the shameful indifference of people youve known youre whole life, completely comfortable with assuming it's not really a heart attack...no last word...no "I read this the other day" Just a cutting off...I saw it for what it was...

The combination of not being able to even find any job on top of that? This is why people commit suicide...Ive talked about suicide for so many years-desperately wishing people would give me a break and turn things around before they got any worse....but the opposite happens....

For a year I bit my tongue watching directionless people squander money for the sole purpose of stroking an ego, or adult version of playing "office" in same vein as a kid playing house....

The world is run by the lucky recipients of the counterfeit money...but in a world where no one even much likes each other anymore, it's starting to show that the money doesn't matter...but the perversion of it all, is the residue of all the ego, that can't relinquish leadership to those with the instinct that seems to come out of no where, therefore divine, because it's so effortless etc...we are all so fucked...and to all the people who felt better about themselves for seeing me so bad off? There's a special place in hell, more special than the one you're all already in.

I started to have a run at a steady practice last week but then my neighbor threatened to use a gun on his baby...they were screaming so loud and banging around I turned on my camera and actually captured that little statement made by the babymomma...the whole bldg ws listening but no one called police....I have my own reasons, but it got the better of me when I realized this is gonna one day be the guy who throws a baby in its car seat off a bridge, and so I called the police anonymously (as if)....other than sloppily letting everyone know it was me who called, they did absolutely nothing...why? Because I don't matter. Because poeple who dont even know me are fine with thinking they "hate" me. Wont hire me, or will fire me....Jane Kartsch has no idea just how far her lies cut...in an already struggling life...it was my 11th hour...and I did EVERYTHING right...but she had to take it away...and now Im dead. Not only will I officially, biologically never have kids...I can't even help a baby with parents who play with firearms on it's head....lol even my upstairs "nice" neighbors The Bolls are always talking in the hallway about what a horrible neighbor I am (check out my competition for the award for Worst Neighbor: 

http://yfrog.com/i3683z )

...but that's just because her husband still loves to remind people about meeting me for the first time 19 yrs ago when I accidentally opened my door to get my laundry less than dressed...crucified for being single, crucified, for being chronically broke, way too old for this...bullshit.

Done.