WHo are the photgraphers that sell their work to "Energy for Tomorrow Dot Org" TV spots? Oh! Of course. Getty Images....I just discovered Brooke Alexaner, the star of these seemingly weekly spots put out by the Petroleum SOmething or other....Seriously? Even is she's a mom with a family? What do you think? She's a great lay?
Wht the fuck are the syupidest shallow sell out whores of the human race the ones in "power"? Money. No matter its counterfeit....maybe its the order that money creates that people find solice in-and that would be forgiveable...
But plastic is ok to inhale? Petroleum necessary for multiple billions of exponentially off the charts population growth..of people who still procreate with the same reverence they have for when they urinate. What amazes me is that even tho my bitterly pointing this out doesnt seem to do any good? What amazes me is the way people often times react by wanting to make sure Im somehow silenced...and every time I start to get a leg up again...someone comes along to shut me up...ask my family how they reacted when I told them I was raped. Like a year or even 2 years AFTER the fact...the "step father" of coures assumed it was a plea for attention...and so as a taxi came to pick me up, he yelled "Oh look If youre lucky Maybe the Taxi driver will give you youre wish! Oh look! An dhe's black!"
That was my family's way of being there...and for the next 20 years my brother wouldn't speak to me because he heard that I'd hit my mom (that was the closest thing to an explanation of the monklike silence from my mother-the one youd think would know...now she just gets angry when I bring it up...my mother, a woman who gave me life and has saved my life over the past decade+....but emotionally....its not there with my family. My mom told me last year that if I pronised not to complain about being alone for the holidays she would buy me a computer - I guess to occupy my mind. Actually I accepted! So what does that make me? I dont know...I know sh edid it out if love. Believing maybe I could make money with it somehow as I used to making websites...but I gave that al up for yoga...and she supported me in that...My mom has gven more than probably most mothers give from what Ive seen in my life...so ya its not an easy subject to approach...I may bail for a while...but again its not my wish to get get into such personal stuff...but how else to fix it?
I saw this movie on TV with the twilight actress...I dont even know her name and Im proud of that fact..u hear it so much...Kritin Thorne? The chick who marries Rob Patteson(sp?) It was a pretty good movie about a girl raped in school and keeps it to herslef. (2004 I think)...so much of that IS my life...not because of the rape...worse...because of the ostracization and alienation...Ive always knwon its mostly about money...no one likes being the one to pay all the time...and in my entire adult life Ive never been ALLOWED to make more than $20,000 yrs if that (I once made that much!) its only been because my family has always thrown me a bone thatIve stayed somewhat affloat. And why the tension from after all these years of living on a safety net just went chronic when Jane ruined my yoga instructor career (deliberately and malicously without cause)...at my age? 46 years old at the time-I still had SO much youth. My skin was great I felt better than when I was in my 20s after Bikram Training. But instead of running with that....it was like Jenga....I dont think at first she knew how badly she was hurting me...but as I cried out...it only became worse and worse, mor evulgar oevr the years...because she would never admit she crossed the line...mayeb she didnt knwo how much was at stake for me, that I would miss out on time with aging relative, 3 of whom have passed since...friends...so much life I missed out on because of her decsion to , noy just stick her nose into my life, but take the leap to tell Bikram HQ that I was " a dangerous person". Poeple would have to make even more stories up if they wanted to name one "victim" of my "danger" bcause other than taking my story to the internet and que sera if I name someone who crossed the line...Ive NEVER hurt anyone ever. Its al just too sad. I used to be louder because I so badly didnt want to loose another second-I knew that just a little financial support would fix everything...but it never came...I just wanted that tiny bit of understanding and sympathy to the point it would keep someone like Jane from continuing to hammer me down...but now its really over...I see my grandma in the bathroom mirror! My skin looks all crsuty with sores on it...my back is broken..sitting hurts...constant pain wrinkles you up....my knee is coming apart. My hip comes off the socket...Im so dead. I have no health insurance and medicaid is just expensive free clinic that would tell you the xrays are blurry so theyre not required to follow thru with any expensive sureries etc...Obama should bring me on board to jump start Medicaid actually...maybe Ill have a little bit of life left...but the hot flasshes have started....its awful....a taste of death...imagine going on a date with a guy you like, first meeting and your suddenly all wet with sweat...I laugh when people would try to tell me "SO you'll do it again! You'll get back into shape!" As if I am the lazy coward giving up....if she hadnt interfered theres a good chance I would be so fkn alive and doing really well financially if nut a millionaire...I hate to admit it but it would be SO much fun to be rich in my family...they are fun poeple most of hem...I miss them...but knowing how littl ethey really care about me? I dont know...I always thought I wanted to know the truth and not get it mixed uop with the illusion moiney causes....ya I still choose that...last year I was so sad and lonely I drove by my family's xmas gathering at my brothers house...I didnt even get out of the car...Brother happened to come ou with dogs that minute-yelled that if I didnt leave he would call the police! Can you imagien? ah! Kristen Stewart! Thats her name. It was a really pertinent movie. I drove away...and talking about it with a young cousin yesterday, my intention to feel like I wont again be left out this year...he ended up telling me that he thinks my brother did that because I was "creeping". Imagine? Thats how my own family sees me-when Im in the middle of road barely stopping for a minute looking through the living room wndown wondering who's there, what the turkey tasted like etc For a second I did think about ringing the bell...but really didnt know what to expect-certainly not the police threat....I used to be embarrassed...now Im just dead anyway...and wish one person would say "Wow? Seriously?"
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