This is Why I curse A Lot

SO it's like almost 2am, Im up because I was cooking and cleaning, until I realized how late it was and I started tiptip toeing (that's a degree up from tip toeing) and then tip fingering as I was putting pots and pans in the dishwasher. Let me explain....every step I take creeks (along with the walls being so thin you can hear a neighbor take a dump) and the downstairs neighbor asked me almost 2 years ago now, if I could be aware of how noisily I walked. He proceeded to describe a constant kind of thudding etc...it was kind of awful...but I tried my best to comply. However in doing so, I have taken in so much of HIS stress vicariously. Like a toxicity seeping into my body, making me feel discardable in a kind of hurry up and die sort of tone...It was unforgettable. I didnt hate him for it, and only realized about 6 mos ago how much of his stress I feel thru the walls. Last week I was wshing a few dished, again for got it was a bit late and dropped something...he went NUTS. Started banging what sounded like a wood plank up into the kitchen floor....Thing thing was his car wasnt her, and I really do try to be mindful....but even after I rescued his dog, he complained that now his dog knewshe could play with my dog upstairs and THAT was what drove her rip down his curtains and destroy his apt the next day...he tells me this after I kept his dog for 3, maybe 4 hrs...didnt ask him fro a dime (I asked him to pick me up a starbucks but c'mon)...anywayThere was a scene on Homeland tonight where Mrs Brody asked her brainwashed husband about Carrie and he assure her she was a "nutcase not taken seriously"...that is so not in the least far fetched...Thats what I have had done to me my entir elife...so Im confied to this prison like miserable neighborhood...I would rather freeze to death than be in a position to ever ask Bolls fro anything. I would so always choose to go withoit...and here's why:

I saw a possible murder last week (or 3 now?) and as I go outside to walk dog a little while ago, thetre 's a guy coming oit just as I let dog off the leash holy shit My eyes are closing - I gotta go to bed...but the point wasthis guy who came out for all I know was one of those killers....but IM required by this nigborhod rulebook which says I cant let my dog pee in a giany puddle of leave in front yard of building

When I think aboiut Jne living with what I live with-stretching it out, ALWAYS trying to make the best with ZERO casg flow-practically living on donations-the resntment is off the charts...no matter if I inven