That's what Im trying to write about. The little bit of love I have left inside figures if I write the shit- things about everyone Ive ever met no one has to feel alone....a pattern might be detected...and my purpose will be fulfilled...thats sort of how it feels...at this moment anyway...none of it in the least bit malicious....I want to write about what happened to me because Im proud of myself I realize. Brave as I was stupid, stupid as I ever was brave...it doesnt matter...just the feeling thats this is what its all about in the end...I guess if I take a jab at a cousin, toying with them in a way...because of the tiny hope inside that wishes they would have just called and said "What the fuck is up with you..." I mean not even that small effort...Ive been reduced to begging and they all love it...even though they hate to hear from me because they'll always expect Ill ask for help whether monetarily or even just an emotional 5 minutes to not feel alone....people have treated me extremely well at times...I always wished more than anything to pay all that back...but the majority of people...the beatings! The rapoes! The stupid pointless hate, the erroneous judgment...the waste of my beautiful life's time...but on top of the treatment Im more and more ostracized...irreparably at this point I know...its the way the sam epoeple, new poeple, prefer to compound my problems, my vulnerabilities so as to seem like a nut if it becomes convenient one day for them to really do me in....
I sat before the smug little Turkish asshole, despising what he saw as the joke of an american woman at the end of her rope financially...he got off on it....snotty little...doubt he's much more than 18 19 yrs old...the sickening look he had in his eyes for me....and I hear yesterday his $57 million life being scrutinized...who has that much money and gets off on watching a woman plead with them to give an owed $13? SERIOUSLY!!! How much more clear can I fucking get? I ask millionaire+? cousins all over for a lousy hundred, maybe 200 once in a while to surviv..gas in car moments...and they ignore me! No! Not only ignore me talk amongst theselves that its better this way...closer to dead woman dont talk....internet wasnt configured in ...since 93 this has been going on....When I was arrested for not having a subway token, and the living shit beat out of me. My NC family acted completely humiliated for me...no one wanted to speak to me...elder aunties telling me im "not right with god" I still dont know what the fuck that means....I know! Someone do a side by side comparison of my life to Mary K's...what will you find? A murder? Compare my life to James Holmes what will you see? A desperate guy with an asshole father who insisted working at mcdonalds was noble medical degree or not....nothing makes any sense etc...and you will find a troubled guy who was targeted by the new wave in movie promotion....evil beypond even the comic books evil...because its real. STupid fucking people wake the fuck up and pray for better prioritization skills.
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