Because I wasn unconscious when I was raped...its much easier to talk about than if at traditional knife or gunpoint right? I was fondled in my youth by a couple of people, in a way that didnt hurt me emotionally at all...I can laugh at all of it...it was/ is the way my "family" and "friends" react to my ever daring to bring up the subject that was the true rape, the rue molestation, the REAL abuse. This I believe more tan ever is part of the reason Ive eneded up soem irreparably destroyed...I dont really want to die...cany believe I have any hope at all left...but here I am...ostracized completely by a bunch of poeple who dont know each other, an dthe only reason they have me in common is because they all used my vulnerability to take advanatge, to get their way...all completely doffernt rrasons..but this ios what is wrong with the world in a nutshell...someone is going to document my life, whether IM alive or dead...and this sloppy bloffing...lets name it slogging...is THE RECORD I hand over to the lord...
It seems like Im way too open...but really I dont talk about personal shit in terms of family friends (of which there are so very few anyway -so thats easy I guess) anyway...My I last called my cosuin a few years ago...I think I left her a piece of my mind, and probably got a little ugly...but mind you she deserves it and years have passed...what kind of christian family doesnt practice forgiveness? But this is my family for ya, my dear cousin I discovered upon trying to call her for the first time since., years as I said..she blocked my number! Not because I'm dangerous, how annoying can a person be with one 45 second message in a few years time.....more like maybe she doesnt want anyone else to hear the messages, the thing sI have to say...more like simply the truth hurts. I guarantee shes the kind of person who in a second would contact her local police, and try to create a smoke screen if I were to show up unannounced, just like my brother now that I think of it...just to cober up their knowledge childhood sexual deviance...in whoch I tell a story that embarrasses (both) of them...so I guess just like Jane, just like Peggy Grant....they fabiricate a reason to involve police because they know I was once traumatized by a very short black woman with a gun in a blue uniform...they PRAY that my ugly mouth will keep them safe...so that I would never be taken seriously...that their coverups, no matter how minor the "abuse", its the shocking way that they would crucify me because they dont want m life's story told...so they slowly kill me off...ket me run my mouth, get into more troiuble...thats how it works...people DRIVE each other to suicide...whether they desreve it or not...no one want sto talk...cause that gets messy, time consuming...she was only 12 but I was only 8 and she stood back and watched the farm hand we all crushed on somehwat, whip his dick out...is that molestation? when an 20 year old hispanic man says to a little 8 year old girl "Touch it!" I picked up a piece of metal and slightly hit it...everyone laughed....should I name the 3 other cousins? WHo mentally beat me up, made fun of me to the best of their ability.....lol...move on? Oh ok. Fuck you. I should name your gd names. But Ill refrain for now...oh my my bro...whole other scenario involving a teacher while we were growing up....Ive been itching to compare my lot in life against this hypocrisy since 1995-way before the internet...and all theyve done was try to make me look crazier and crazier any chance they get....when all I might have asked for was a $100 loan, or a couch to sleep on for a week, or...totally minor shit...family right. Fuck you. I only called nc cousin y athats right to ask for a loan! What the fuck else would I call her for? So she can brag about the life handed to her on a platter...oh but IM sure she suffered in her own cowardly way to inherit the hell...not eto potential kidnappers-keep it straight-my family would love to see me murdered of...take my cousin in CA...he'll go one about never getting laid by his wife, and how shes zapping him for more than $75,000 a year in co pays alone towards her career breast cancer...but if I ask for a couple hundred bucks once in a blue moon to keep electric on, or car registered...the basics...he'll ignore my calls....and if he reads this really never speak to me again...is it worth it? I dunno. ALl I know is Im feeling closer to death and disease every second....livong fo rthe moment and attempting to shed light onthe problems that didnt have to be,
She is a miserly self important bitch....I called from another number thats how I know...anyway...ya so I need to talk to her and she would go to such trouble to avoid me...let homeland security know that a family memeber FEARS another family member....just a bunch of gd hypocrites as per usual...so I'll blog and let someone tap her on the shoulder fo rme...and that makes me crazy? Does it make me a hypocrite?
So ironically I would never write about Bible bertha .Bible birthing...omg I have the most amazing seething pic of her...I should find it and put it up...because....thats what happens when someone needs to talk and the other one slams the door in their face based on their own petty fears....oh...ya the only reason I was calling her was because cousin Melanie told me years ago Uncle Lousi left her 4 Billion dollars...ya seems a bit of a, more than slight exaggeration...but who knows....when I asked her, if it was true lol she said "Its none of your business"...
So! In the same way I had to beg for $13 from Zeythinia's number one son...my own cousin wouldnt lend me a goddam nickle if thats what I needed to pull the details of a dream life together for myself....is that what you call competition Bikram? I mean Ive been subtly venting the shit about this little adopted mexican slooot for decades....putting me...theyre so afraid Im going to bring up our own personal version of a sandusky situation....emotionally anyway...because theyre more concerned about the children of the mexican dick whipper outer on my 8 year old self....its true I wasnt hurt one bit. really......so why talk about it/ Because their unbelievable denial, their inability to recognize the point...all these years instead of just putting an arm around me, they either buy my silence or completely ostracize me...my own brother, the friend of another teen years molester-teacher...they just dont get that they need to recognize the truth..instead, because I drove by my brother's house over christmas eve...when he saw me outside he threatened to "call the police if I didnt get the hell out of there..." Wow...So Ray? Marlou? How about you talk about it this way instead? And kiss my goddam ass. I slap you across your face fucking face for that....this is my digital slap...slapping myself? Ya maybe...to spare me from the oblivion that comes with total ostracization...fuck you too Jeanne Cawley Anzalone....I should put that other rant back up....I wanted to retract the hate I was venting towards the poor dude who died...assuming his kids would never hear me say that....Ill re edit it at some point...but because I am myself, drowning in the nothingness....I feel like Im leaving clues behind on who killed me off slowly....
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