Death Looming

When I think about all the people in my life who have wished me dead my head spins. The reality is it will come, and at this point all my energy should probably just be focused on preventing it happening in a way that would haunt me with regret..regrets. Maybe Ive become too fascinated with the game I've played, the results of which too much to accept for one person...what did I do wrong? I've welcomed everyone's hatred, actually that is what Ive been fascinated by. That people who Ive shared good times with, or shared a word, or shared food, shared a momentary experience and maybe a smile or a curse word...I know I have never intentionally done anything to hurt anyone ever.  That knowledge is what makes me smug...a kind of righteousness with god. To walk a line, perhaps with the challenging mouth of a truck driver or Bronx prostitute...always just words...always chosen carefully, hoping the person might get it....but no one ever did....

A lovely life as we knew it has basically been sold out from under us. While many kept sbusy blaming Reagan and Nixon, Rockefeller, for the international invasion....the rapid destruction of a delicate eco system all for what? Ss Nancy Kennedy could send multiple children to college? 

I called Nancy Kennedy, on the verge of homelessness, sick with an ulcer from Jeanne Anzalone's house in 1990ish...they nursed me on fennel seeds to try to calm my stomach (hospitalized with violent vommitting and debilitating stomach pain that stopped me from breathing soon after....anyway, I telephoned Nancy after (accidentally) reading this horrible New York Times article about the future of our little village....because the article was about real estate and our future sprawl, the destruction of our bird santcuary to McMansions could be built....I'll never forget the way Nancy certainly knew what I was talking about, but she changed the subject to low income family housing (this is how "democrats" are exactly what we accuse republicans of being..." In retrospect I remember another speech by (lady she bought the agency from) about low income housing at the bottom of Mt Airy in 1993...it just shows how they were planning their own enron meets whitewater-meets whatever you wanna call greed....I just went googling "Nancy Kennedy P (first initial of lady's last name) and I happened upon this page about the Longueview castle...for sale...so obviously Nancy left some kind of footprint? Anyway it was certainly strange that the stroies we'd heard as children about Gloria Swanson's parties on Nordica Dr somehow seemed to be turned into a castle she was trying to sell in 2005? Asking 2-3 million....written without a name attached...dropping hollywood names and stories about speakeasies...I'd never heard this part....makes you wonder how many real estate agents have written and rewritten the important historical landmarks....why we're all so of course...no one has the nerve.  It sounds ridiculous to even wonder for a second if someone had poisoned me in 1990...the lies people tell so much deeper than the oceans.....good people get called "crazy" so that the evil ones can pretend to rule. "progress" as in entire countries now feeding on our delicately balanced/now out of balance natural resources...we need to build a new Tappan Zee because Nancy Kennedy, and 100s, millions just like her, lined their pockets with the profit from the greedy sprawl...the OVERPOPULATION problem doesnt need to be discussed as terroristic, unless youre censoring. No one dared point out that at least on some level, it is natural for a race to try to protect it's own kind...just because the arguments they try to make preposterous or worse, this doesnt negate the fact that the same behavior comes from ALL walks...is it not natural for a people to sense that their economy is being invaded? (at this point consider that accomplished). It is cheaper to send a "moneygram" internationally than domestic at Walmsrt by $2...it only costs $9 to send how much?  ANyone stupid enough to say I sound xenophobic while a $5 toll suddenly turns into $14 with some bullshit about communter discounts-as if the more tortured a commuter you are they will encourage more from tou  for ...its insanity!!! These peopel call me crazy because I can tell teh stories. I can expose their greediness...republican and democrat alike....there is no more party! The party is over...kaput...and no one knows what to replace it with...as if the founding fathers longviewed for a towel of babel. fuck you all. No I tale that back youre already fucked. How dare you. Thats what I want to say I guess...those can be my last words...I always sort of felt like we lived in the village of the fairies in Lord of the Rings....Imagine a little Jean Benet Ramsy in a chanel suit handing out paperwork to buyers...thats Nancy Kennedy....Thats why my life has been sucked dry financially because I would rather be dead than be Nancy Kennedy...I guess Ill get my wish

Its a good thing we didnt grow up to be more farmlike? Good thing Nancy your children will be ob=ver seeing Tracey's children building iPhones, for dollars a 12 hour day....because all that matters is money they would have you believe.

On behalf of a friend who is being put through the mill tomorrow I called a town court clerk to ask what could be done to help this woman who is such a victim of circumstance....I guess I'd always wished someone would have done that for me...naively....but thats what motivated me I suppose....Im going to write about that later....how this brilliant woman, with only one functioning arm no less, who works her ass off, who lives in this hellhole apt:

Got pulled over because when you drive the distances she has to to try to make a living one gets tired...I wasnt there but she swerved a bit and it was discovered her insurance hadnt been paid because of a PetCo pay card glitch she told me....long and short of it: she has had to spend money on expensive train ride 3-4 times from Buffalo area back to westchester...anyway...I dont know the details, I only know the system is so unfairly stacked against the vulnerable....the clerk tried to be kind, at least explained that when the fine came thru it could be paid in installments...anyway at the end of our conversation she comfortably said "It's important to remember that money isn't everything" and I replied "Only people who have money say that."