Inflammationkill

ABout 19 years ago, I started to notice that I  had a strong sense about the feeling of inflammation occurring even if I only ate a small amount of certain foods....I remember thinking my friend Tracy was the perfect person to help me articulate this personal discovery...I don't remember anyone mainstream talking about medical knowledge other than dieting, and so certainly don't remember anyone talking about connection between heart disease andn inflammation....so I was all caught up in trying to isolate, or observe, really in fact, allergy also I guess...I don't know..thats the thing...I didnt even have the word "inflammation" in mind-but THE perfect description of what I felt when my body seemed to start gradually blowing up....it had nothing to do with hunger...always about just feeling desperately alone, disconnected and food was the sweetest boyfriend....but as usual brutal in the end...via pending diabetes or morbid obesity....Instead of killing myself I take solace in trying to figure out what I did to be so disconnected from what my life should have been. The anger comes from knowing how petty, deceitful, pointless the destruction, the sabotage, the general hate didnt have to be...didnt have to be that way...

Anyway this is about communication in general...not just my whiny insecurity....this was a "friend" from the age of 10. Our mothers didnt like each other, but mine only once pointed out a complaint or two...I learned later Tracy was pretty much trained to hate, resent, it was like her mom probably talked so much about what a snob she thought my mother was Tracy gradually, subconsciously started seeing me as a prissy type I think, she would often make fun...but we all made fun of each other and laughed just as hard, harder...or so I thought..I dont know at what point she stopped taking me seriously exactly, but I foolishly wasted my breath opening up to a girl who was just laughing about me behind my back....I dont know for how many years...so all of my "scientific discovery conversations" werent connecting with that other tree in the forest....a lot like a guy who just uses a woman for pieces at a time I guess...

I have lost everything...and now my desire to endure, put on a front, while th ebody physically startes to crap out you realize...its coming...the day....and when I die, when Im gone. There'll be one child born in this world to carry on to carry on....(disclaimer. This is not a suicide note. Its dangerous to talk about death too muvh as it upsets people and makes them want to kill you, and lie to get away with it...surrounded by money, surrounded by killers in a world thats lost its way....
But more than just the effects of inflammation on the physical body...I was also obsessed with understanding how that affected, effected both my emotional stae, my energy/mood level interconnected....My "friend" was too busy hating me and she would argue probably that I was too self obsessed to notice...actually she would just agree in order to stick me with her witcy smile...a smile I used to see as just a laugh...but now it all makes sense...this same woman I BEGGED to be a partner in a yoga pilates type studio after the first time I saw such a place open up in Woodstock. I'd seen it start to happen in manhattan, and by "it" I mean phenominal effect on friends I saw daily's physical body...anyway....Im almost forcing myself to bother typing rihgt now...all so pointless when met with so much chronic hatred....fuk you Tracy...and all mother's who freak out while feeding their babies slop, to pigheaded to see the simplifying bigger picture....because that would mean letting go of the years of hate as a habit, towards me....now I sound like an asshole only because...its all I have...cant help it....