Definitions of Love

Dear Officer V-

Do you remember why it sounded so strange to your ears yesterday, when I asked you to come down the stairs and quietly ask if we could speak outside my building? Because I was faraid of my neighbors? I told you that I have hostility with my neighbors and try to keep them out of my business. You started to argue the point but you indulged me in the end? Your exact words "You(me) don't want your neighbors to hear but you want to talk outside?" Because you think only you can make sense right? Should I have whispered "I think my back top neighbor may have hurt or killed his former live in girlfriend"? Point is to point out the obnoxious judgement....certainly I have no reason whatsoever to wonder about him...the important thing is that you are made to feel like you know everything?

I guess you meant it seemed strange because EVERYONE who drives by or lives in all the other bldgs will see us talking and you would think that makes less sense?? Really in fact, your right...it does suck for me to have my neighbors inside AND out see me talking with the police. But I have to balance out the fear of the guy in back, with the girlfriend of the other who was selling guns downstairs, the fat white couple upstairs to the back who concoct lies and fines for my car and dog, and call you if they find a piece of paper on the ground....Is it really so hard to see? All their made up crap?

Because Im more afraid of the neighbor behind me (who seems to have disappeared himself for past couple of days) got rid of his car, quit his job...Im not saying on the lamb..I dont know, but what if he did kill his girlfriend?....is there enough time in the day to talk about all the crazy things I overhear? All neighbor's sounding like their pimping out their children. Why should I care about somechick who looked like an x prostitute, who's name I didnt even know...it amazes me how anyone would think I WANT to think about any of this shit...I tweet about it to relieve my conscience...have been forgetting about it...until suddenly cops are questioning me in front of th epotential killers door...and the cop's face looks liek he thinks Im batty because I politely try to gain distance from being in that neighbor's earshot? Im trying to explain how this kind of irony really takes a toll on a lot more than just me.

Because my conversation with Officer V really needs to be about the damage done from the pettiest of police matters...but this isnt interesting to him because at my age-I mays well be hauled off to looney bin right? Because he has a coffee break waiting for him or an appoinmtent with dr and his own buay day problems.

This blog will have to wind down sadly and Ill start something else somehwere else...or maybe I wont...all I know is Im officially dialoguing with the police...who called me yesterday to tell me Im walking a fine line between freedom of speech and aggravated harassment....because Jane's life matters to them more than mine...because I have an obnoxious way of talking about this? Or an innovative way maybe? No one will give me any credit, any apology...fine...but what amazes me is I cant even be left alone?

Police at my door yesterday, because I wrote to one of my ($12,000) teachers, Lynn Whitlow, who was doing a workshop with Jane last week. I angrily tried to bring to her attention the irony that 5 years after I met her my life purposely destroyed by this organization based on Jane Kartsch's prompting (no matter added to that my own pathetic reactions after the fact). Jane told Officer Katallo that it was because she'd read something about me saying I was going to kill her like the Empire State gunman recently...purposely twisting words in order feel out what she can get away with with me right now...she obviously sees me writing about how poor I am ... so she thinks this will work in her favor...that I have no one really protecting me...so after all these years of reasing callthepolice.com and the rest of it, she decides to throw a blow out there at me now? Why? Because she's reading my inner most thoughts...instead of feeling sad for me...she wants ti come at me even harder...imagine? WIth all the disaster Im dealing with right now on top of that I need to be dragged into court by jane fro what sounds like a relatively serious crime? Aggreavted harrassment? Is that like a jail time kind of crme obviously? Seriously? If anyone were to read a certain number of stories Ive blogged about my sadness, my troubles, who I am, how I react...what kind of person needs to see me in Jail? The one who caused it all? After she reads a twet that suggests Bob Woodward should right this story abot me and Jane?

Last week in fact I did contact Lynn Whitlow on her Facebook page where she had talked about teaching a seminar at Bikram Yoga Yorktown....I still have the message on my acct (even tho she unfriended me)...these poeple are hypocrites and hurt me very badly period. Not because I failed on my own... they maliciously went after me...still coming after me apparently because I will write till my dying day.  My health is so bad my body is rotting. no monet for anything, no work, transmission dead...but poor Janey is scared? Bullshit! She wants to twist the knife because I am revealing her for exsactly what she is....

Police documentation of Jane's words "dangerous person" have resonated across the country, world....in Jane's mind Jane must win at all costs. I will never be a Bikram Yoga teacher EVER-hooray for you Jane. How many points do you guve yourself for that? I will die from broken heart and all over body cancer from chronic depression...because Jane just needs to win this one....I want to speak publicly about what happened to these psycho killers and in turn expose the real fuel behind their horrific actions. For that I have to be warned that I could face arrest. For exploring my own rage over having my life completely destroyed by someone to have to worry about being arrested...wow...It's like for writing "Officer V" who could turn around and charge me himself with harassment simply because he's decided Im not worth the time (as he made clear on leaving yesterday) and he resents feeling like he needs to read this....Its themselves people are afraid of not me.

I can't even just pour my heart out here now...because the police ARE WATCHING! I can ignore it to a point and then its like omg...there it is looming....like Im being hunted, watched...for the most part the cop was very nice and seemed to try to be listening and understanding....but I could tell just like Officer V (who I momentarily forgot about in the middle of this all here sorry) I could tell that the officer on the phone was a little more tan tired of listening to me at times....But seriously? Imagine? I have to worry about rubbing someone the wrong way by answering a question created by Jane Kartsch?

Shit! Seriously! Now I feel conscious of my cursing. Like ya of course someone wont get arrested for 4 letter wording? Bullshit! Cops are human too and thats exactly the problem. Cops ahove zero business INTERPRETING anything. For their own sake...thats not an insult. Its just teh basis of what everything in this country is dependent upon. I am writing about how the system failed me in order to try to recycle what was RUINED into something worthy....so come on...go ahead step ito my sand trap?

This is my place. This is my journey. Why are you here? You want to watch? You want to learn something. Fine You want to continually interfere in my life.....Gallery idea (note to self) I want to gather every single police report at this point accumulated in my life and blow them up 3x4 with gallery edging....that would give me comfort...and the hope that one day one goddam person will finally figure it out and say "Holy shit! They did this to you? That's so sad. How did they get away with it?" and "How will you get restitution?" "A book by Bob Woodward omg" probably also prompted Jane to try ever so pathetically to keep getting away with avoiding my due apology...

If I were Jane I would say to me, "Just stop already! I apologize. I don't know why I lost my ability to see how I wronged you so badly...." Anyone who really knows me knows thats all it would have taken if it were sincere etc...then I could have tried to get back on right footing with health and career...but tahts why Im so bitter now...the realziation that its really never going to be reversible...Im hot flashing and feel the hormonal drop s severely its beyond my physical life anymore...so I know officially the eggs are fried...there is no amount of money...nothing that will give me the last 6 years of my life back.  I couldnt even move away to florida without Jane's damage following me and being used against me at a vulnerable time in which I lost everything again...move on people say? Give me a break.

What a joke that anyone would Blame Obama for fact Im not working.  I declare I believe most unemployed are such for much more complicated reasons.... I have some peace of mind at least from knowing, without a doubt, 100% proof, that Jane Kartsch had no legitimate reason whatsoever to create a police report in Dec 2006 or attempt to do it again yesterday. She only did so originally because I told her that I had been beaten severely decades before and was afraid of the police. and like any good Bikram Yoga teacher would do, she called the police to report me for what? Did she mention to Officer Kaley it was really because I had emailed Bikram HQ to complain about Jane (cc'd a million people and still have a copy of it!? No of course not...and shes allowed to get away with it why? Because I too would be making half a mill every year with my own studio, in some farm I saved from being sprawled out...with my own studnts far awat from Jane? Jane couldnt allow that why? Ask her, and when she finally breaks down and confesses she did it because she's still living in some trauma from childhood like sybil...slap her for me. Oh! woops? Can I get arrested for saying slap? Or worse? Can I get arrested for being sarcastic? See thats  the thing. Im not angry at Jane because I failed. She took away and keeps coming BACK againa and again to take away...and if I write about it I have to worry? At this point I guess her demons will start eating at her...and so if SHE looses it, from the supression of her guilt say...I have to worry still? How is that? Why would it be that way?

But Im not being sarcastic. You never know when you strike the wrong chord with the wrong idiot, at the wrong time... another idiot looking to misplace their aggression. My heart races a little, My cortisol levels start bloating like a balloon....I couldn't be more miserable....and the best way to fix that? Is to try to keep beating me up? My future plans didnt include Jane-so how is it she's ended up in my life so brutally? This black eye was from not having a subway token in 1993...I made the mistake of talking about it-and people never look at you the same way again...oh really? Mayeb yoga can help fix this? Only if the teacher isnt a spiteful childish game playing liar?

In Jane's world Im not allowed to write to a visiting teacher in her area (I was born here she's the transplant in my Sleepy Hollow) Is it really over all of their heads that Im bitching about things in that (fb post actually) message in the hopes that someone could intervene and say "Let's fix this! (Five yrs ago)"