Maharaji ICU

The only close by neighbor I get along with gave me the most incredible maharaji videos a couple of daze ago, it's been years since I've listened. I pull out Terra de l'Amour once in a while when I come across it. Love the music on that one. First time Ive thought about it in a year or two...but yet there it is playing inside of me, somewhat distant but the feeling 100%.

I so had the urge to write on about a million things, but in the short time it took to open a browser and get situated...I go blank....really just want to go to sleep...but did want to get a revelation off my chest...

In knowing who I am, as best as I've been able, throughout my life I've been so amazed by the amount of hatred Ive been shown...from the time some total stranger 4th grader at the french hill school in yorktown walked up to me and punched me as hard as he could, and knocked the wind out of me (scary shit for a 10 yr old) all the way to last friday when a neighbor started screaming at me out of the blue and keyed my car...pause.....out of the blue? Or do they read this? How inventive am I? To think of a way (12 years ago) to get off my chest a burning need for justice...beyond any love or concern for any other person...ALL human beings lie. The lying lying I can forgive, forget, laugh about...but my neighbor for example, and their inability to just say "Ya. Sorry bout that...let's move on..." Their need to create the drama I in turn get blamed for THAT is what makes me wish for a speedier death, more and more often everyday...but on my own terms...I can't stand the idea of being "taken out" by some anus faced sociopath like neighbor one, or the mr burns (simpsons) x-exxon employee who would sacrifice all the entire future, of any life on planet for a 10 second encounter with a nigerian penis...lol...don't ask don't tell who? Shouldn't I complain about the military that is supposedly  funded royally for the purpose of protecting forefather offspring....or was the int'l business of war that eisenhower warned about designed to turn into a welfare system where nigerians and ecuadorans could find a way to fund their dreams of impregnating as many ss children as possible..because thats all they know how to do other than make money like MONKEYS. Like APES. Void of any purpose almost 100% of the time....necessary paperwork perhaps and yet drowning in it, so sooner the collapse and all for  what? SO baboons can drive the most expensive cars, correction, own the most expensive cars and why? Thats all they know of purpose...and there are so many millions of them...urinating and shitting and flushing as I write...people who if you told their actions will one day lead to all the earth's water supply left will be urinated. Forget about chlorinated....there it is again. That deception. Where we all try to keep enough money at hand to buy a relatively peaceful atmosphere....

The best way to describe the hell Ive been subjected to for the past 12 years, would be with this latest incident with the tall skinny negro man named Daniel next door.  I dare anyone to show me a pic of his last live in gf still alive or without blackeyes....thats how sure I am of his instability. Because if he would pounce on me, a virtual stranger the way he did on friday, simply because I asked him if he would allow me some space from his car to change a flat tire...the asshole keyed my car I believe because he was HOPING to provoke me into doing the same to his big black limousine, which btw is not his...he probably thinks ins would cover, and he's too daft to realize that could effect..well actually lady downstairs told me he was talking about quitting a couple of weeks ago....If I wanted to get him in trouble I would start talking about something I know he does that could potentially be pretty heavy...but IM NOT looking for "call the police" revenge! I think this dick is fucking DANGEROUS and I don't want to have to waste another minute of my life in this ridiculous neighborhood stressing over this...no body? Ask him a fckn question...the guy keys my car....cops wouldn't do shit..could care a less....so way am I left with? Thoughts of suicide come when these scummy people flatter themselves so automatically...assuming even if I won a lottery and could afford to escape, they think I would spend 5 seconds thinking of them AT ALL! They are in my gd face every fckn day! CREATING pain and heartache and then standing back and watching me spin out...do I allow it? Maybe...but Ive had a mirror on it the whole time...my revenge will be this movie...about ugliness even if mine is ugliest of all...the origins will in fact show me to be the bravest and more conscientious than virtually any one Ive ever met...but people LOVE to see me fail, hurt...lol! No shit! One day after I found some old garage with a junk yard behind it to let me hold some flowers and shrubs I was trying to hold in order to sell for a little bit of money to barely get by, an inspector from Corttandt shows up warnings, citations, "everything out by friday....so not only did I loose my little start of a garage flower shop, I jinxed the business who'd had old cars there for years!!! People resent me for this!! An dI have to explain? My god! how much am I expected to take? I don't say I would rather be dead lightly! Im just amazed that for expressing my feelings, in the HOPE of shaking sense into the most senseless and their abuse (in fact) a simple apology would be overlooked in favor of stubborn self important egomaniacal continuation of STUPID gd arguments!!!  People LIKE to argue, people LIKE to have war...because people are lazy kilers, and perverted rapists....omg when I think about how many guys Ive made not like me because Id rather be alone for eternity than as much as touch them let alone have sex with them....black and hispanic men especially resent my dog...and actually say these words "You sleep with your dog..." Would I rather spend my life listening to that? Or be consumed by the promise of the afterlife, which as I get older, makes more and more sense....you better believe I will exercise my ugliest ugly in th efface of the SHIT people who have driven my life into oblivion (on the outside) but on the inside....no where else, and no one else would I rather be.....omg my rip van winkling in the catskills throughout my 30s....as if I was exiled....and yet...driving in my convertible 280zx (that I got for $500) down the mountain from windham to cairo, listening to nick drake (10 years BEFORE VW ads)....sumer breeze at a perfect cruising speed...no one around for miles....it was so incredible up there, but people did everything in their power to keep me from being able to enjoy it...Ill never forget riding my bike for a few miles to buy milk one day when my car wasn't running....and these tween boys hurling rocks at me in the middle of town, yelling "crack whore!" I didn't smoke crack, I almost never had sex and certainly was not a whore but what was most confusing was why they were doing that to me...Id never seen them before....yrs later I realize this is how their mothers probably talked about the almost new substitute teacher who witnessed the child abuse they allowed at the hand of the long time school principal. THAT is how people operate. Crucifiction on a daily basis is a million times more popular than football....I freaked the kids out by being nice to them! I stopped an confronted them honestly! "WHy are you saying that? It hurts my feelings" etc....what was so funny about it was they were still young enough they almost showed regret (as opposed to older teens esp today, who feel that need to identify with their own psychotic made up bullshit...) anyway...fuck them...my point is I've done nothing but "move on" from the shit, my entire adult life...and now I have to live with fat Bolls who file police reports with TEARS in their eyes to police about how afraid they are of me, and yet every motherfucking time we cross paths, or make eye contact...they start laughing together...again...the crucifixion...the fat pig of a woman feels more loved by her fart ass husband...now there is an example of death being so much more appealing....Or the fucktard homeowner president who would watch a paraolympic race between guys with no legs...and because they're so amazing fast on their blades...he would insist there is nothing wrong with them....as if because the idea of loosing a limb is too much to handle-he prefers to pretend his judgement and denial is biblically childlike....when it is so not.

I hate this miserable place, I love the moments Ive been able to escape and hold for my own....even some of the hell I can turn around, seeing it for what it is...but the rest? Danyel (sp?) scratched my car hoping to get me to do same to his...THAT is how ghetto shit scum people behave and so what is the point of pretending all life has value? I would lay down my life if it meant contributing to welfare of some endangered species or natural disaster avoidance....I truly am that grateful....even tho Ive been so totally robbed of the most fantastic outside life ever....I am grateful for my beautiful life. I enjoy looking at old pictures of myself and for the first time, these past few years have liked what Ive seen. "Wow Im actually kinda beautiful sometimes." How come no one else ever told me that? How come people who look and speak like baboon procreate and make more little hairy monsters to urinate the watersheds...but no one has ver really wanted to as much hold me or kiss me? Its because male baboons prefer women who are so desperate they feel more manly that way? I should be sleeping? Is that obvious? I dare one person I know to remind me why they aren't a total lying full of shit dick too. Everyone sucks....my cries have all been for just ONE sensible, practical thinking person to bother ti care....and no one ever did....I will ALWAYS remember that when everyone starts to try to somehow apologize when I become wealthy, and they charismatically find a way to convince me, very intellectually how it was my own fault or whatever....fuck. I never once in my life had a true friend. Except myself. Thanks for introducing me to me more clearly Prem. SO sorry about the tragic sadness...but that certainly NEVER started with me.