How Slander Works

So I was just on FB putting out feelers for a car, work....the things "friends" don't really want to hear about let alone talk about...hard times. My computer before this one was so old I have never been able to see Facebook properly, in it's entirety and so Im a little rusty on the difference between personal and public messaging. So check this out:

An old high school chum named Danny Macrini has a restuarant somewhere in PA and he sends out this "blast"(?) of the night's specials. I had been personal im-ing (I think) and so replied to Danny's menu with "Stop! Im so hungry!" because it made my mouth water. Then I made the mistake of asking if it was true that Mahi Mahi was dolphin? He explained "No totally different species!" I apologized by saying "Sorry I just recently saw The Cove". No explanation in detail of what The Cove is about or what it means...and I swear to you within like 20 seconds the guy unfriended me and I think even went so far as to block me because I suddenly couldnt even find him through his brother's page. Not the end of the world since I havent hardly seen or spoken with the guy in 30+ years! BUT!!!!! Here's where the slander EFFECT comes in: "Have you heard? Raina's gone out of her mind and just picks crazy fights with people for no reason..." an dboom thats it. No need to try t explain...Im done.

The irony that I deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis, obviously takes a toll emotionally. Just before he'd put out that menu, I noticed Danny's name and title "chef/owner" and I thought "Am I that desperate that I would ask an old childhood friend who lives hundreds of miles away for a waitressing job? This is wht Ive been reduced to..." but actually beyond that Id probably get fired in 10 minutes by saying just the wrong thing at the wrong time"...and then that was the moment his specials menu popped up. I was trying to make small talk lol...maybe to lead in to asking about work, or maybe a lead on a car...THAT's how bad it is...and THAT'S why it STAYS bad because I cant sneeze without someone looking to interpret anything I do or say in worst possible way. Jeanne Cawley was very thorough in trying to make sure that if word ever got out about Michael hitting on me that night-her family could keep it all in persepctive with the "Raina isnt credible anymore" defense....THAT is my reality...THAT is why Im such a sloppy blogging bitch....then a cunt like Jane Kartsch comes along, and perhaps it was in order to bond with people from Croton someone told her how "dangerous" I was? I dont know...all I know is that for the past 10 yrs Ive been SCREAMING for mercy before it's too late, in the most effectively direct way possible....Jeanne and Jane never understood that the internet could be my saving grace...maybe one day someone will come along an dget it-all that Ive been thru...my wasyed life...now really not even worth bothering anymore at this point...too old to have a family anymore, unhireable EVEN in my own dream job...lol I have the worst pains where my appendix is...I wont go to hospital...Ill die from exploding appendix...and all of tehse poeple will be happy why? because I tried to say "Please stop killing me? Im worth so much more than what youve rediced me to? Help me out fo here..." People are EVIL fuckers,,,,

Here's How the New Health Care Will Work Motherfuckers

People will start recognizing how full of shit we all are. Doctors and patients alike. Labs pharmy operations....and from there people will start being more honest about the role of money in our lives. Even if only trying to be more honest about it, that alone is the difference and cancer will start being cured. Not small feat. Because people are so full of shit and they cling to thei rlies and secrets more then they do their health....medicine today's issues today are more philosophical than anything else. Nothing will fix the inclination for business and human nature for that matter to be full of shit, making those dollars while appearing to be the greatest person in the world via the most sophisticated acting abilities....it all could change if people spend 5 more mins everyday looking in the mirror. Check out the racist art work at my local clinic. Shades of color excluding whitey? How the hell else would I interpret this? Am I really supposed ot keep romanticizing 1000s more births every week of hispanic immigrants (legal or not)? Why? Because it used to be politically correct to pretend that the conversation is as empty between human beings as possible? "Aw But theyre so cute and helpful"? Really? Poor people fuck and procreate like rabbits because...thats what uneducated people do! SO of course you can only afford to rent an apt with 10 other people sleeping on top of each other its bound to happen more often than anyone really wants...IM not saying dont help...but STOP pretending its ok. "Aw look how cute your baby is?" BULLSHIT! Fuck you and fuck your baby....then of course do our best to help the baby..no choice there...but why romanticize it? Am I bitter? Really? Because I would have been 1000 times better parent if things fell into place for me in that dept....but instead I watch my world sold out from under itself by STUPID GREEDY WHITE PEOPLE..."ya the trick is to just go manufacture it in China" said Glen Yank aka "Zak" my one time boss turned rapist in 1991...the contradiction, the hypocrisy its all in need of health care...I sound like a xenophobe to the New York Times reproter because they watch it (Like Brabara Erenreich (sp?) from their ivy league salaries....having no first hand expereicne with poverty...and the ones I grew up with? Not one iota of interest in my experience...thats why Im so bitter now...sounding ublier and bitchier than I mean to....
The safety net system wasnt designed to include the entire frickin world...until it became an enterprise...not unlike prisons. In the 70s my parent's church opened a small clinic in theyre basement and now its a multi million dollar operation....like a frankenstein they wouldnt give the time of day to their founders unless they demanded it and even then it would be ceremonial....its a mess...because not only because THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE, there are TOO MANY PEOPLE WHO ONLY PRETEND TO CARE.

I'm dying and there is not a human being on the planet who really gives a shit. Certainly doesnt give a shit enough to lift a finger to reverse my mystery disease (only mystery because my access to the bullshit clinics which are little more than birthing centers for the worlds woman...with few acceptions. My bones have started breaking from simply turning the wrong way at this point, Im over 200 pounds, a giant lump in my left arm that feels like the muscles rip apart if I move it too far or quickly, I can barely walk in the morning form being so stagnant for so long. Now without a car Im even more stagnant, depressed...everything seems pretty pointless. I have sores all over my body that arent going away....what can an underfunded clinic doctor or lab tell me? Well funded for that matter? Nothing. When I called to see if I was eligibe for medicaid since other than maybe 2-3 weeks Ive not worked in the past year at all....the recording was in English first, than Spanish of course but then it went on to ask in at least 4-5 more languages! Chinese (I think) maybe Vietnamese too,  and went on and on until culminating in asking the same question in Russian....no xenophobia here...just a practical observation that "more money" for low income health care acts more like wall street (all about numbers I mean) than actual CARE.....

Btw? Brain cancer VACCINE? Seriously? These poeple would take money just like in the movie The Constant Gardner because money in medicine is the rule...thats what has to change...whats hard about that, impossible really, is people would have to admit how little we can all stand each other's bullshit...omg the fighting that would take place....but its either go thru that or burn out in a big way. I have to re write this....brb

Seriously? Who's "health care dollars"? wtf

Risking and Saving My Life at the Same Time

I bought this seemingly phenomenal coconut oil from Nancy at the co op in 2007 (please get more). Originally meant for a raw date nut crusted chocolate avocado mousse pie (most delicious thing on the planet thanks renee), When I figured it must be old (never went rancid in the least ...still smelled fresh and delicious) I started using it with showers to combat the high chlorine content water...anyway

As Im drawing a lavender eucalyptus epsom bath Im smothering my skin with the coconut oil turning it into an even deeper inner cleansing by massage...but without any rubbermaid rug or bath mat Im fully aware of how easily I could break my neck, or do serious joint damage via one wrong move. As I was laying there taking it in for a few minutes, massaging under the hot water on the oily skin with a little swedish circular motion and then cupping top of my legs while rolling back and forth to my ankles slowly, gently with fingertips feeling out how far I can go...wonderful....but then a hotflash started, coupled with the heat felt dizzy and unable to breath fully. All I had to do was reach over to the door knob and open door to let in any breeze I could manage to. As I started to turn on my side I even felt like a 6 year old for a moment, trapped inside the bodt of a whale that barely fits in the tub anymore...but the oil allowed me to slide into position as long as my strength held up and I didnt slip in the least..It was like ice skaiting without ice skates...but even more slippery.

10 years ago I remember meaning to pick up a rubbermaid rug...never have because I cant afford one just like I cant afford to buy medicine for my skin problem...probably wont work anyway so whatever...

Kelly Preston and Experiment 907

Experiment 907: Listen to my phonecall with Jack last year, then for the screams of Jane Kartsch and Donna Trantham burning in hell:

iwas watching CBS's The Doctors TV show yesterday morning and listened to Kelly Preston talk about giving birth to a beautiful little boy completely natural easy conception and childbirth at the age of 48.  This confirmed for me that it was possible that could have been me too. My eriod was like clockwork my whole life, and I was healthier than I was in my 20s after 2.5 months working out in Honolulu...The plan was to get super healthy during training, then spend next 6 months to a year making money, and if all went well perhaps a nest...But instead I had to deal with one rumor after another, constantly defend or prove myself to hypocrits and troublemakers-I had to have bullshit threats made on my ability to make enough money to pay my electric bill (at the age of 46 yrs old) because of Karstch..who's venom even travelled 1000 miles away as I tried to try to escape from the damage done...Try and tell me Jane Kartsch didnt rob me of a last chance at having a child? And what is the normal behavior in reaction to some asshole of a lifetime stealing EVERYTHING away from me for no actual reason other than growing up a fat insecure kunt who bullies vulnerable people as an adult to compensate?

Dear Jane Kuntsch: Tell me specifically what I ever did to you that would file a false police report, and then cal Bikram while I was in Hawaii to tell him you had to call police on me? Explain that to me and I will never write a word about your blubbery soul ever again...what makes me go mad is the pointlessness of your destruction....

Nicole Westbrook Karstch in a Bikram Choudhury World

How does a 12 yr old like Nicole Westbrook invade airwaves even if only for a few minutes? Its not youtube....it's counterfet connections. Theirs nothing cute or harmless about it. Access Holywood(?), MTV (Run by Pentagon) Anderson Cooper (old $)....Rich parents like Rebecca Black's who invested like half a mill to make the hilarawful "It's Friday"? Patrice Wilson? Who the fk is Patrice Wilson? Probably a childhood friend of Jane Kartsch's.

Notice Jane isnt really fat but because she looks like she thinks she is she's brewing her chronic misery inside.

I called Bikram's cell a couple of days ago and politely asked  for at least my mom's initial $6000 to be refuned. Larju answered politely put him on, when he heard my voice he hung up. Then I called back bitched in his ear...heard him talking as if he'd just put the phone down while cooking or something...Rajashree's voice entered the room...in Hindi I made out the words "call the police'....

This was recorded a year before Justify My Love...not as talented as Westbrook or the rest of CIA talent pool but ... Happy Thanksgiving.

When Body Language Reveal ALL

More on this. In mast head is me at teh age of about 17 years old...below is Jan eat the same age...I feel like I can see a side of her, stunted etc..bitter...jealous even in her old age..that sounds catty I know..too bizzy to explain or care right now but will get into it later

Im pretty sure thats Jane sitting by the pool in 1971...cant remember details...But this is the kind of kid who is jealous and "competes" in the ugliest ways...Bikram loves money no matter who it comes from..sadly...and he doesnt have as much time to get the story straight for AMERICANS who dont have money.  For now..I want people to be able to get a taste at least of what a pretty competant teacher I was while Jan ewas trying to stop me from teaching anywhere in th etri state area..and followed me all the way to FL even Clcik on pic below (of Bikram teasing me about how dirty my feet are at training in 07..) to hear a taste of what I was like a few months after my training as a Bikram Teacher...a little too fast with spotty dialogue...but my heart was there...if only theyd left me alone. Its hard ti hear but sadly all I ever recorded of myself...no one even took many pics of me at training..I took tons of others...

Changing Ground

Changing Ground

I have stood on the changing ground I have walked like a man in chains
 I tried hard to do my best but  I did not make my way
Well trouble was on my tail and he followed me like a hound
Till I moved a one step onto gloy
and off a that changing ground
Changing Ground, Changing Ground, Changing Ground
I have moved the one step onto glory and off of that changing ground

How Do You Spell Emotional Stability?

This photograph should be in a Levi's ad actually...

George Bush Accidentally Votes For Obama

http://dailycurrant.com/2012/11/06/george-bush-accidently-votes-obama/

Nov. 06, 2012

Former U.S. president George W. Bush accidentally voted for Barack Obama today at a polling place near his Crawford, TX home.
According to local reports, the two-term Republican was confused by the instructions on his electronic voting machine and mistakenly cast a ballot he intended to discard.
Witnesses say Bush argued with poll workers for several minutes afterwards in a effort to redo his vote, but in accordance with state law they ultimately denied his request.
The embarrassing incident may have gone unnoticed if it weren't for a local newspaper reporter who happened to be voting in the next booth. Suzanna Everett, a politics correspondent for the Waco Times witnessed the entire ordeal and crafted a cunning scheme to make it public.
Left On Red

Barred by ethics rules from using knowledge gained within a polling station, Everett waited for Bush to leave the facility and ambushed him with a trick question designed to fool him into revealing the news himself:
"Mr. President Fox News is reporting that you've accidentally voted for Barack Obama. Would you care to comment?"
Thinking that his mistake had already been found out, Bush sought to minimize the damage:
"Yes unfortunately because of the incompetence of the folks who designed the ballot, my vote counted for the other guy," Bush responded. He then attempted to explain exactly how the mishap occurred:
"First of all, everything was very mismaladjusted on the screen. You shouldn't put the senators and the congresspeople and the presidents all jumbled together like that. It's too crowded. Just confuses folks."
Bush then explained that after marking the wrong candidate, he sought to correct his error by clicking the red "Cast Ballot" button, thinking that it was designed to 'cast away' the ballot and bring up a fresh one:
"Usually red means stop and green means go. I thought I was stopping"
A New Legacy
Bush is no stranger to election day controversy, having been pushed into office himself by the Florida fiasco of 2000. In that election hundreds of votes intended for Democratic rival Al Gore went to protest candidate Pat Buchanan instead due to poor ballot design.
In an official statement released shortly after the event, former President Bush said his experiences today have inspired him to make electoral reform the signature cause of his post-presidency:
"Laura and I will be dedicating the next few years to fixing our electoral system. Every American deserves a clear, simple ballot when they go to the polling place."
However, the system Bush used has been deployed successfully around the country with little incident. A spokesperson for the company that manufactures the machines says they stand by their product:
"Until today we have never had a single instance of someone confusing the "cast ballot" button for a "cast away ballot" button. This is a problem unique to Mr. Bush, and we have no plans to change our machines."

Paula Kranz Another GOP Lewinsk

Isn't it obvious that they intended this to blow up before the election? The FBI is certainly able to determine that this "brilliant" woman was intelligent enough to realize ALL email is traceable....Tampa is big time GOP isnt it? Jill Kelley probably a registered republican...an deven if not...some kind of operative...I mean the timing reveals what they wer eup to doesnt it? GOP media still trying to play this into some kind of continued Ben Ghazi screw up/embarrassment...what did I hear Paula KRANZ say in some interview? Or on some podium about having practically first hand info on BG incident? Blurting it out-as if showing ff? Or stirring the problems up for Obama admin... You've seen the Pat Fucking Tillman movie I hope? She was working with these propagandists...all big time war machine stuff is usially Republican isnt it? Oblivious as usual to Eisenhower's famous speech warnings all these decades later...screwing up all the good that could be...chronically.. Paula Kranz Broadwell...is a frkn spy. Not sure for who....But I feel so bad for Patreus....as if this beautiful woman used him...as if its so criminal the poor guy let himself be human....really a shame...she should be exposed or what she really is....or even of sh ewas just looking to sell her book....disgusting...from harvard no less? Or just the afterwards programs where the sleezy networking takes place in "summer school"?

What's SO Amazing About the Internet? Hey Hayden Panettiere Saya Hey

I accidentally got sucked into the sorta silly show Nashville a few weeks ago (because I never ever hear my name on other people I think-over and over again)...but the nice surprise and thing that had me keep coming back was the music...TBone Burnett the legendary producer must be behind it..Ive been a huge fan since Cimino's BRILLIANT MASTERPIECE Heaven's Gate

Its simply the feeling of being listened to that makes all the difference. No matter who it is....This jpeg is dedicated to you DannyF (the cousin who jumps out of planes, almost every 4 days to combat a low visibility issue, who calls me emotionally unstable and delusional for asking him to lend a year yesterday):

I was hospitalized in St Vincents January 1990, skin and bones, vomiting, people looking at me like I was gonna die...never figure out what it was..stress? They didnt use the vague non specific term then...But Id been raped by Glenn Yank of Limelight pewter jewelry fame (Emergency Exit NY) I never told anyone for montsh what happend (Lilyan Sievernich of Academy Award winning Paris Texas fame) was my neighbor across hall and first one to dig it out of me...too embarrassed to tell, as Id taken the pill he gave me voluntarily etc...even imagined myself getting in trouble...didnt even tell my mom for another 2 yrs or so...and when I did they accused me of looking for attention etc...and as a matter of fact to this day (23+ yrs later) have never spoken a word to me about it...and for bringing it up like this? Because NO ONE would talk to me about it..IM the unstable asshole? Im old an ddead anyway-past embarrassing myself...Im not name dropping when I mention Lilyan! Im STATING A FACT OF WITNESS!!!!MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!! ad mentioninh "Zac" aka Glen Yank? Oh ya I have nothing better to do then piss off some hard core east village biker dude....he was a moron..but worse than him...my own family the way they shut down and punish me-nno shit-by disinviting me EVERY YEAR just about for holiday gatherings I shit no one not.

As a matter of fact...I remember once calling an 800 rape victim number from a catskill phone where I was living at the time...the woman was reading a frkn script you could tell was half listening...I ened up arguing with her...and she hung up on me...wish I had that on tape....ya it must be me....

Ban Oil Company Propaganda Just Like Cigarette Ads on TV

WHo are the photgraphers that sell their work to "Energy for Tomorrow Dot Org" TV spots? Oh! Of course. Getty Images....I just discovered Brooke Alexaner, the star of these seemingly weekly spots put out by the Petroleum SOmething or other....Seriously? Even is she's a mom with a family? What do you think? She's a great lay?

Wht the fuck are the syupidest shallow sell out whores of the human race the ones in "power"? Money. No matter its counterfeit....maybe its the order that money creates that people find solice in-and that would be forgiveable...

But plastic is ok to inhale? Petroleum necessary for multiple billions of exponentially off the charts population growth..of people who still procreate with the same reverence they have for when they urinate. What amazes me is that even tho my bitterly pointing this out doesnt seem to do any good? What amazes me is the way people often times react by wanting to make sure Im somehow silenced...and every time  I start to get a leg up again...someone comes along to shut me up...ask my family how they reacted when I told them I was raped. Like a year or even 2 years AFTER the fact...the "step father" of coures assumed it was a plea for attention...and so as a taxi came to pick me up, he yelled "Oh look If youre lucky Maybe the Taxi driver will give you youre wish! Oh look! An dhe's black!"

That was my family's way of being there...and for the next 20 years my brother wouldn't speak to me because he heard that I'd hit my mom (that was the closest thing to an explanation of the monklike silence from my mother-the one youd think would know...now she just gets angry when I bring it up...my mother, a woman who gave me life and has saved my life over the past decade+....but emotionally....its not there with my family. My mom told me last year that if I pronised not to complain about being alone for the holidays she would buy me a computer - I guess to occupy my mind. Actually I accepted! So what does that make me? I dont know...I know sh edid it out if love. Believing maybe I could make money with it somehow as I used to making websites...but I gave that al up for yoga...and she supported me in that...My mom has gven more than probably most mothers give from what Ive seen in my life...so ya its not an easy subject to approach...I may bail for a while...but again its not my wish to get get into such personal stuff...but how else to fix it?

I saw this movie on TV with the twilight actress...I dont even know her name and Im proud of that fact..u hear it so much...Kritin Thorne? The chick who marries Rob Patteson(sp?) It was a pretty good movie about a girl raped in school and keeps it to herslef. (2004 I think)...so much of that IS my life...not because of the rape...worse...because of the ostracization and alienation...Ive always knwon its mostly about money...no one likes being the one to pay all the time...and in my entire adult life Ive never been ALLOWED to make more than $20,000 yrs if that (I once made that much!) its only been because my family has always thrown me a bone thatIve stayed somewhat affloat. And why the tension from after all these years of living on a safety net just went chronic when Jane ruined my yoga instructor career (deliberately and malicously without cause)...at my age? 46 years old at the time-I still had SO much youth. My skin was great I felt better than when I was in my 20s after Bikram Training. But instead of running with that....it was like Jenga....I dont think at first she knew how badly she was hurting me...but as I cried out...it only became worse and worse, mor evulgar oevr the years...because she would never admit she crossed the line...mayeb she didnt knwo how much was at stake for me, that I would miss out on time with aging relative, 3 of whom have passed since...friends...so much life I missed out on because of her decsion to , noy just stick her nose into my life, but take the leap to tell Bikram HQ that I was " a dangerous person". Poeple would have to make even more stories up if they wanted to name one "victim" of my "danger" bcause other than taking my story to the internet and que sera if I name someone who crossed the line...Ive NEVER hurt anyone ever. Its al just too sad. I used to be louder because I so badly didnt want to loose another second-I knew that just a little financial support would fix everything...but it never came...I just wanted that tiny bit of understanding and sympathy to the point it would keep someone like Jane from continuing to hammer me down...but now its really over...I see my grandma in the bathroom mirror! My skin looks all crsuty with sores on it...my back is broken..sitting hurts...constant pain wrinkles you up....my knee is coming apart. My hip comes off the socket...Im so dead. I have no health insurance and medicaid is just expensive free clinic that would tell you the xrays are blurry so theyre not required to follow thru with any expensive sureries etc...Obama should bring me on board to jump start Medicaid actually...maybe Ill have a little bit of life left...but the hot flasshes have started....its awful....a taste of death...imagine going on  a date with a guy you like, first meeting and your suddenly all wet with sweat...I laugh when people would try to tell me "SO you'll do it again! You'll get back into shape!" As if I  am the lazy coward giving up....if she hadnt interfered theres a good chance I would be so fkn alive and doing really well financially if nut a millionaire...I hate to admit it but it would be SO much fun to be rich in my family...they are fun poeple most of hem...I miss them...but knowing how littl ethey really care about me? I dont know...I always thought I wanted to know the truth and not get it mixed uop with the illusion moiney causes....ya I still choose that...last year I was so sad and lonely I drove by my family's xmas gathering at my brothers house...I didnt even get out of the car...Brother happened to come ou with dogs that minute-yelled that if I didnt leave he would call the police! Can you imagien? ah! Kristen Stewart! Thats her name. It was a really pertinent movie. I drove away...and talking about it with a young cousin yesterday, my intention to feel like I wont again be left out this year...he ended up telling me that he thinks my brother did that because I was "creeping". Imagine? Thats how my own family sees me-when Im in the middle of road barely stopping for a minute looking through the living room wndown wondering who's there, what the turkey tasted like etc For a second I did think about ringing the bell...but really didnt know what to expect-certainly not the police threat....I used to be embarrassed...now Im just dead anyway...and wish one person would say "Wow? Seriously?"

The Family Hate and the Midget

If anyone, anyone at all, is actually getting this? I have to iterate that with all my talking about Jane Kartsch, Im not oblivious to even deeper underlying problems in my life that have contributed to the mess...my own family, Jeanne Cawley, Jane Beller, Lilyan Sievernich,...the list is longer, but my point has never been to name names...Ive only ever meant to BEG people to grow a conscious-those who I know for a fact, like Dexter, are guilty of undermining. I don't mean the same to be expected gossip that will always go on when someone screws up....I mean to hide their secrets, or even steal mutually owned art (on a grand theft scale) deliberately and maliciously put a determination to if not obliterate my character at least make it questionable...so no one would have to know a newly married husband's indiscretion, actually Jane Beller shouldnt be on the malicious list...she's just always been a shallow poodle...the butter knife that perpetuates someone like Jeanne's gossip...anyway Im off track.

I resorted to blogging in 1998, creating my own html because I was trapped in the catskills because my family bascally shipped me off to green mountain Siberia....I lived on 130 acres by myself for a month....I thought I was alone...in retrospect I probably had all kinds of hunters bernoculing me....When I see photos I look like a fairy....a tomboy fairy...escaping from having been raped in 1990, beaten up by a black female cop in NYC for not paying $1.25 in 1993 (Deborah Moore? You and me on Oprah? What do you say? I'll be ther ewith this story? Get your lawyers ready)....

Those awful friends I first mentioned really dont come close to the hatred certain people in my own family have shown me..Ive always hesitated to get into that subject for obvious reasons...my family...when Im angry I want to call it a non existent family-but even though one of my cousins ex-wives refused ot let me spend ONE night when I was virtually homeless the night before I went to Catskill Heaven...I did go to Catskill heaven....and heaven it was....without a dime to my name or any money I was surrounded by some much beauty, so much wealth really...the same guy who built the ugly little bungalows built the State Theatre in Lincoln Center? These were relatives removed?) thru marraige anyway...obviously I was loved somewhat. No one ever meant to hurt me....I think even when the architect made a sexual advance at me-he was just playing, testing me...but maybe not? The thing is...sexually flirying or messing around is all fine when everyone's fine....But it took me a long time to realize men create prostitution because its a turn on for them to play daddy...all of them...

Just for saying that now I sound like I was ever a prostitute....as if any single woman with financial problems resorts to the inevitable spreading of the legs...In my experience Ive found most do...it is a world of fucking whores with marriage licenses too often...and thats why so many horrendous people who thought they wanted to marry THAT person, becase THAT life appealed to their imaginations...over and over again...

brb

 

Just

CRAIGSLIST JOE AND FLINT AND ZACK OF COURSE

I should start by saying it gave me such a shot of my own natural prozac-I realize why complaining, no matter how justified, is obnoxious, toxic, obnoxic....However....I don't know how to communicate that it's not my choice when I embrace the ugly Im delt.

I wanted to immediately contact him and see if maybe he could handle my only complaint. That being the fact that people are on their best behavior usually when theyre invited to be on camera...so how accurate is your show joe? Mr Garner surely had some ugly moments? Maybe half of it? WHy do people feel so quick to defend a monster when theyre exorcism is caught on camera in other words?

*Help me raise money to edit my 20 years in the making documentary film, including editing down so many of the long conversations Ive had over the years, with for example, this one, the likes of Jack Kartsch talking about "dossiers" on my life at Bikram Yoga headquarters in LA  If there are any sympathetic people out there enough to actually make a small gesture? Please buy an a propos recording Ive made available on iTunes. Thanks..See you Jane at the Oscars. See me I should say, or even just my memory if I dodnt physically survive your toxic wrath. 

I wanted to show joe, how I started doing exactly what he did (but congratulations seriously!) starting in 1993. For a solid almost 10 years I didn't leave home without the handicam I purchased (instead of a much needed $500 car at one point)...Because of now NYPD Sargaent Deborah Moore, who graduated apparently from some mail order type university with a specialty in domestic violence intervention (ironic?)...anyway...this piece of shit human beings bashed my skull in one evening when I entered the subway without a $1.25. She did this in front of her partner Brian Wohl who now works in NC....at a time way before anyone imagine this.....the internet. Really I have to worry about thin blue line revege more than Ive already endured? No one wants to hear my story joe because the sophisticated propaganda we put out to spin media attention is but that....sugar for diabetics. I was hysterical after a certain point...becaue I started to realize I would never have that chance of having a family, a baby...even meet someone in a relationship that was more than just convenience (as 90% of all "marraiages" are) but the point is...I realized how instantaneously people, who Id always believed were my great friends, even family....it was like a mass exorcism as soon as I denounced money....I know this beloved freedom....and could never understand why with NOTHING, those closest to me would try to tak eeven that small peace/piece away from me...because they had to be right....and thats why I embrace the relief of admitting when Im wrong. 

A few minutes ago I heard my prostitute killer neighbor rustling quietly, saw his car was outside and thought about how quiet I try to be so he thinks Im not here...desperately trying to create any kind of space. Thats where the term "spaced out" comes from...when we're driven so deeply into our selves to create the essential buffer, source of all sane balance.....I try. I wonder for a second. "Shit!" He heard the TV?" Im thinking. "He's been out working a lot, driving a taxi into war zones down there after Sandy I bet. If he keeps seeing me hear so much. Warm and at home, he's gonna quit his job again..." I swear this is what's going thru my head...and then as I walk out past front door a few minutes later, sure enough, I hear him yelling thru the wall "EVERYBODY CRYING OH I CANT GET A JOB THIS I CANT GET A JOB THAT!" he's going on to some woman on other end (I can make that out but not words) named Janine (?) who talks about someone sh eknows who was Ray O's girlfriend (keep in mind if he were talking to a guy the word girlfriend would be so totally left out) He goes on to add  "I HAVE FOUR FELONIES BUT I CAN ALWAYS GET A JOB! RAY O DON'T KEEP ME AFFLOAT I KEEP ME AFFLOAT! WELL YOU CAN TELL ERIC HE CAN GO KISS MY ASS." His landlord wishes me dead and is completely capable of purposely putting this guy mere sheet rock away from me? Wishes me dead for what you ask? For not wanting to rip down my morning glories so he could paint the outside of my patio. That was in May of 2001 and he proceeded to make my life living hell up nntil about a year or so ago when he retred. I believe he put this guy here hoping we would fight. It took a year for that to happen. When I had a flat tire and asked him if he could move his car so I could have it fixed....that was when he chose to pick a fight, and make a scene a la the other felon down stairs who sells guns when he's not putting them on his baby (momma sceaming on my iphone...made it up ya think? fymfs) I get pulled deeper and deeper into their shit why? Because I made that same choice Joe did "To see what would happen if we oprate without money." Correction "As we attempt to do the virtually impossible." Sure their are great hopeful moments capture also...but why leave out the chnace to observe the mirror and actually cure cancer through confession rather than continue to import toxic pink refriderator magnets that cause breats cancer ironically? Because MONEY DICTATES so intrisically even the best of us is immersed in the honey...thats how they get their licenses to kill....characters if not actually murder people...I still believe this guy either killed or physically pummelled shit out of his last gf. He's had at least 20, possibly dbl that different prostitutes in and out his door since mid summer...and since Im afraid of him, I tend to pay more attention than I ever did...look at me BEGGING? For all these years...I know at this point I seem to have turned into a clown....but thats a judgment that would require me to care about the opinions of people who can spend days talking about Taylor Lautner's abs? ALl of this is by design! Its by design that at my age, even with help staying afloat from family, I have barely left my house all year, and now without a car for 2 months, my health is deteriorating...just in the same way that guy from ...omg IM alwasy talking about jails and beatings and killings...because I havent done any of thsoe things but Ive been exiled here ALL because I waste a coffeehouse barista's time tryin gto save .50 on ice in the cup. Seriously. These "hipster" punks are as hip as second graders when theyr most tired...THAT's our future? We're fucked more than we're already fucked.

This neighbor up the street yelled at me while walking her poodle and I walking my dog "You not supposed to be up here!" I had no idea what that mean...and the next day while walking by closer to me, another woman bit my head off for saying it wasn't wise to wish for another warm winter this year. I'd never spoken to her ever....When I asked her if she believed in global warming she looked like she wanted to pounce on me...black people are so insecure sometimes its ridiculous. Its not possible for people to extract their ego when trying to talk about science? I think it got her when I said "Ive lived here 50 years and there has NEVER been a snow storm like that in October before the leaves were off the trees." She insisted there had been a few "Maybe not wher eyou were (in Westchester)...anyway the point is she WAS a hateful fkn idiot...but I still wast emy time...wondering....how I can possibly be so hated? I have NOTHING! Im lucky I have the basics and I try to peek out my butt as often as I can without any income..call it paranpid if that helps you feel better about your pathetically compromised life...but Im in a virtual prison....It sonly a matter of time before the "apparent heart attack" or accident occurs...

I found this teenage looking woolie bear this morning walking the dog. Unless someone dropped it from a bag of snake food? It was living just inches away from melting ice and snow...more evidence of natural cycles being out of wack...my own include Jane. Im offically menopausal...which makes me think I could have surprised everyone after training and actually ahd a baby (if only someone worthy were around to do it with) anyway, what was I rambling on about? Oh ya I get beat up... for caring about a moth EVEN WHEN I HAVE ALMOST ZERO CASHFLOW I find the time-but IM weird? Why do poeple act jealous if Im so weird? ...I get beat up...for nothing.... Dear Craigslist Joe-Collaborate with me on  a doc about yoga instructors who actually get killed off in one way or another-for the most shallow of reaons..,good energy thrown away...for what...tahst what I want to epxlore. Its not my intention to embarrass....I purposely write sloppy to make people loose interest as I work out my own shit in this hypo efficient way...Kevin Flint cinematographer? Flint? Like Lighter? Really? Is this organically coming together? Or mad made? I love the names of Dexter's exec producers etc "Joe Manicotti" and there's another funny sounding has ot be made up one...what were we talking about?

If craigslist joe were to put Flint's camera on this woman...she would let him spend nite give  him all that love he found on the road...and when they said goodbye in morning shake his hand and say something "profound" about humanity while looking into the camera...just like guy in beginning of craigslist joe (dont want to say his name for fear it would sound xenophobic) It spurely a matter of too many bored low life people procreating and munching through whats left of natural resources and actual good life...because there is so much love...being channelled in the wrong direction.

The US came that close from putting Paul Ryan in oval office...and Im crazy? What do I want ? What elseTh e essential recognition and apologies...even though way too late for me to ever have anything other than pretend relationships...WITCH I dont even want...

Jane? Picture this: Me, and a table in a restuarant meeting this dime a dozen guy, at the age of 51 having a hot flash? Who needs therapy to figure out the source of real depression? Its malice. Your malice is whats melting the planet into water world....fuck victime of sandy! People LOVE to watch themselves be "do gooders" when the cameras are on...no one could stop a cop from illegally shutting doen ALL I had in the world 2 yrs ago...but they can pull together like cock roaches and rekindle millions of consumers of donuts...because thats what the media turns it into...ok thats a bit harsh...obviously Im sorry for nyone's loss too...but Im so sick of the "We are the world" self promotion mindset...Soldiers hijacked into a created war that destroyed this country they EAT UP they "hero" propaganda...its pathetic....if poeple only attempted to try to stay real and require a tad more truth in relationships...only then is there hope...woops I ended up getting bitter again....oh well....it is what it is.

If there are any sympathetic people out there enough to actually make a small gesture? Please buy an apropos recording Ive made available on iTunes?

This is Why I curse A Lot

SO it's like almost 2am, Im up because I was cooking and cleaning, until I realized how late it was and I started tiptip toeing (that's a degree up from tip toeing) and then tip fingering as I was putting pots and pans in the dishwasher. Let me explain....every step I take creeks (along with the walls being so thin you can hear a neighbor take a dump) and the downstairs neighbor asked me almost 2 years ago now, if I could be aware of how noisily I walked. He proceeded to describe a constant kind of thudding etc...it was kind of awful...but I tried my best to comply. However in doing so, I have taken in so much of HIS stress vicariously. Like a toxicity seeping into my body, making me feel discardable in a kind of hurry up and die sort of tone...It was unforgettable. I didnt hate him for it, and only realized about 6 mos ago how much of his stress I feel thru the walls. Last week I was wshing a few dished, again for got it was a bit late and dropped something...he went NUTS. Started banging what sounded like a wood plank up into the kitchen floor....Thing thing was his car wasnt her, and I really do try to be mindful....but even after I rescued his dog, he complained that now his dog knewshe could play with my dog upstairs and THAT was what drove her rip down his curtains and destroy his apt the next day...he tells me this after I kept his dog for 3, maybe 4 hrs...didnt ask him fro a dime (I asked him to pick me up a starbucks but c'mon)...anywayThere was a scene on Homeland tonight where Mrs Brody asked her brainwashed husband about Carrie and he assure her she was a "nutcase not taken seriously"...that is so not in the least far fetched...Thats what I have had done to me my entir elife...so Im confied to this prison like miserable neighborhood...I would rather freeze to death than be in a position to ever ask Bolls fro anything. I would so always choose to go withoit...and here's why:

I saw a possible murder last week (or 3 now?) and as I go outside to walk dog a little while ago, thetre 's a guy coming oit just as I let dog off the leash holy shit My eyes are closing - I gotta go to bed...but the point wasthis guy who came out for all I know was one of those killers....but IM required by this nigborhod rulebook which says I cant let my dog pee in a giany puddle of leave in front yard of building

When I think aboiut Jne living with what I live with-stretching it out, ALWAYS trying to make the best with ZERO casg flow-practically living on donations-the resntment is off the charts...no matter if I inven

Why Florida Republicans are The Most Full of Shit People on Earth

Reawy? You need ONE man, in an oval office to make "jobs" for 200 million in 4 years after Bush DESTROYED this country for his own oil interests futures and others with him. Notive the name BUSH isnt even mentioned on TV anynore hardly!!! Stupid mother fuckers. If Romeny and GOP steal thsi election the way they did with your BUSH who was key in making it happen...Florida makes me sick. After a gulf spill, after NYC is sinking into th egoddam ocean an dthe morons up here still want to throw money into their phallic Phreedom Tower...u dont SEA yourselves? Shame FUCK YOU PEOPLE OF FLORIDA. Fuck you for what you did to MY country and my life. Allowing a rogue cop to get away with this so some Thai whore of Birkam Choudhury and a German Spy get prime real estate overlooking the fucking launch pad in Titusville? Im crazy lol/ You fkn wish

IN the STATE of FLORIDA it was allowed that a business owner be driven out of her establishment by German, a Thai, a local sleezebag who had a femal cop friend who came to her deli to eat....they illegally DROVE me out onto the street....Moo deosnt speak english everyone! Isnt that funny! Is it a FELONY to lie in a police rpeort Bikram? Im known to be violent is it? Because you think your old school character assasintaion games cant be  blown out into the light where they belong? You piece of shit mother fucker. Ther eprobably are a lot of victims like me who didnt have some help at home-that DID kill themselves...but how would we find all thiose people ALL over the world? Take THAT. and THAT. and THAT. Doctors like Dr Cynthia Bryant, who called me a "genius" at some point (before Donna told her I was not and she should throw me out on the street) or Dr Anita Spitz, my same age confident...so good to me...helped me out on so many ways....and yet stands by and does nothing? Because my life isnt INSURED? Fuck you Kassaks. The only democrats in Titusville back stab me the other one? Yoga my ass. Bishnu Gosh day? They guy shows us filmmed footage of the man picking up a heavy wooden table with his teeth! and points out how his teeth are breaking out of his mouth!!!! I shot you not! This shows strength? Really? You fucking bullies.

Golden Gloves? Observe the VIDEO of the shakedown and show me where I was "uncooperative"? Whats that? Didnt think Id be FAST enoug  to pull out a camera (thank you Apple Computers). www.callthepolice.org Moo doesnt speak english very well? Lie number 10.....Statue of limitations not up for another year...so I'll get national recognition...dont give a shit if I seem nuts IM not trying to make friends...I have right on my side.

SOS...anyone want me to publich the titusville police report...? Ive learned the hard way that people LIKE to misread and only have so much attention span for other's issues...but if I know ONE other prson is paying attention? Ill put it up here.

DEAR BIKRAM CHOUDHURY YOU FKN ASSHOLE

You stupid mother fucker? Did you ever see this text? Not 3 weeks before they resort to stealing out from under me everything, but making sure I dont work ever again? You pieces of shit...and I have to listen to people on streets and TV talk about "job creation"... Did Kyoko take "care" of everything?

...because she hates me WHY? because you're all a bunch of hateful hypocritical kilers...you want women to look good so you can fuck them....u dont give a SHIT about people's health. IM not intersted in habing sex with your short little egomania? Is that why you dont like me? If not why not say? What can you MAKE UP now? I would LOVE to disprove you yet again and again and again....

Im OCD on ALL communications....come on? What you got?

 

and almost a YEAR later? Donna had a SCREAMING melt down 2 -3 weeks before they figured out a plan to evict me without a dime...one thoing...but DESTROY my rep lol? The police report says "She (me) sent 'MEAN' texts messages to a studnet" I SHIT YOU NOT!!!! EXACT words! Along with "Was unco operative...did you se ethe video of how "uncoperative" I was" That Moo doesnt speak english...that I KNOWN to be a "dabgerous or violent person but is not believed to have weapons on her at this time? !!!!!!! You have some nerve. You will NOT get away with this...Imagine if there was no internet? You might...u old school asshole. Till the death you mfs.

Driver on Friday 11/2/12 5pm Bee Line Bus 699 Your Days are Numbered

Stranded with my dog, in agony, back and hip on fire. This driver pointed his bus right at me, deliberately scaring the hell out of me and Im not sure why. But plan to find out. I WILL get the guy's name and write like a killer with a typewriter on his ass (tried to report it to State Police who gave me a telephone number to call with only a recording on it. Since so much i sgoing on I understand this seems petty...but in light of the man who was killed walking right nearby I heard a few ours later Im going to draw attention to this bullshit like no tomorrow. brb

DEAR US STATE DEPARTMENT: TELL US ABOUT BEATRICE MULZER

Sounds crazy? Extreme? It's fricking NASA! Like its SO far fetched she's a dam spy? ALL ABOUT ACCESS TO MONEY. Her's is counterfeit residue from the days Europeans first started taking out loans on swiss bank safety deposit boxes supposedly STILL with the millions in them...poeple were so naive 25 years ago? Ya. they were...Those were the reagan years americans love to reminisce about....I dont knwo what her story is...but I do know the guy who introidced me is like a cia killer sort of dud with a former russian spy gf and I will never forget that that school shooting years back? He (an american was there) and I dont know why I imagined he had something related with it going on....he was ALL about staged evenst...same guy who taught me Bikram, introduced me to Maharaji (who I adore) dont misunderstand...Im not saying his name because IM not looking for trouble....but IM also not interested in going out-letting SHIITTy crue poeple destroy innocent peopleJUST because they have ACCESS to money because theyre maybe prettier lol...EVERYONE hated Beatrice at first...that studio doesnt make that much money...so who is REALLY paying for a $200,000 studio move and reonovation of space? Her "microsoft certifictaion?" I have no doubt hr FRONT is solid. I have no doubt she's very smart....But fuck her for the way THEY all fucked me...

I found this last nite. Check out my lasts conversations with the poeple who chose to CREATE a police situation just so they didnt have to give me my money bac? EVERYTHING is documented. This one is a Thai "girl" who owns 2 restaurants and another studio in Orkando (who I gave $6000 to buy studio form previous yera.....oh how sad? YOUR power is out? YOUR life went up in smoke because of the way everyone IGNORES what was allowed to be down to me under this asshole named Bikram Choudhury. Would I rather be DRIVEN into thoughts of suicide ro fight back these mothert fcking hypocrits? Guess.

She's pretty alright. But Susan Miller (or was it Widdick?) will tell you her breasts are fake... drops the name "Microsoft" so much I htought she was actually with them...ten you start to realize there are so many millions of "Microsoft certified" "trainers" that...u have to wonder...also thought the company she worked for sounded fishy too...bragging that Charlie Sheen would be a key note speaker for example in Toronto at some event for SMB Nation(?) I couldnt help but puke when I noticed their website was also praising Mitt Romney's "deregulation" agenda...which is exactly how Beatrice simply made the call (apparently from Pune India) that she was coming back to FL and so thats why they went about getting rid of me so illegally, so violently, so cruelly..an dgot away with it....makes me want to join he NRA when "yoga teachers" create false police reports describing me as "dangerous" or difficult...thanks to APPLE and my iPhone VIDEO FOOTAGE of the event...I prove them all to be the lying pieces of shit they are...I lost EVERYTHING. and for what? I held out from going over the edge with my bitching in the hopes someone would apologize! But no. Instead of even giving me half of my money back they gave me a fake police reprot to stop me from ever working with anyone affiliated with Birkam again? What exactly did I do to desreve that? They cant tell you..because I did nothing. So you want war? You got it Biotchthief Mulzer.

Yoga as a Service: Geek Beatrice Mulzer Found In Florida!
Former SMB Nation employee Beatrice Mulzer has been found in Florida. Many readers recall the Amazing Bea as an author, trainer and overall team player at SMB Nation from 2001 to 2008. Beatrice went on to write another Microsoft Press “Small Business Server 2008” book and then elegantly exited the technology industry. A short contract stint in Washington DC in the IT area for the US Census was followed by a complete career change: Bikram yoga. See the video below for my interview with Beatrice!
When I visited Beatrice for a day before Lotusphere, I drove to Titusville, Florida to attend her Bikram Yoga class in a studio she owns. When I participated in her Saturday morning 90-min “heat yoga” session, it kicked my ass.
Always the geek, Beatrice acquired the yoga studio and implemented technology to improve its operations. Well-known as a SBSer and a leading Microsoft Small Business Specialist trainer and author, Beatrice runs her entire yoga practice from a $0.99 iPhone app. She converted handwritten 3.x5 cards to an online database and instituted recurring billings with her invention of Yoga as a Service (YaaS). She is completely Apple now (iPhone, iPad) and stores everything in the cloud. No fuss, no muss, no on-premises technology. It all makes sense as those that know Beatrice understand that she is a free spirit.
In a wide-ranging interview at her spacious condo that looks directly at the launch pad of the Kennedy Space Center, Beatrice demonstrated her interest in healthy living. She exercises and does yoga daily, proudly takes an afternoon nap, rides her bike and eats very healthily.
So what next for the 7x24 Beatrice (she has even more ENERGY than I remember from her geek days). Clearly she has ended her career in technology and I support that. She put in one hellva decade as an SBSer. She is now deep into yoga, having opened Birkham franchises in the US, Europe and India. She now owns a studio and has several instructors’ working for her. She has expressed a future interest in the raw food movement and healthy living. We’ll keep an eye on her progress but I end with this: I WANT HER JOB!!!!

Jonathan Demme StoppED Making Sense

Stop making sense? Really? Oh you were just kidding? While hiking in Croton I met some kid from Burns Film Center who was working on a doc about profiling...I tried to get him to see that continuing to play into a race "issue" focussed project was impractical..I told him what happened to me in 1993 and about my own project and how it's even devolved into Jane Kartsch of Bikram Yoga Yorktown creating fals police reports and cruel pointless sabotaging mind games....all because me a nice white girl, had my head severely bashed in by the knee of a  Robin Given's looking NYPD animal. He gave me his card...interestingly enough I didnt call it for many months and when I finally did lol? He practically hung up on me....But how would this piece of shit hypocrite act if suddenly he saw me babysitting for Jonathan Demme's grand kids? Its not that I hate people....but like George Michael sings "Its hard to love when theyre so much t hate" and frankly its not possible to love anyone when theyre full of their own shit...love is getting them to see it no?

I still need to imagine Jonathan Demme isn't a full on disapointing asshole like so many others we iconoSIZE and use as guides, road markers etc via art through life because thats how it's always been....ask the catholic church what Michelangelo and Susan Lucci have in common. Ask the pentagon, ask Tom Cruise, ask Oliver Stone....survivors because even though theyre bascially Mephistoes during war times....we forgive them...and ticket sales to movies at some point because more serious a "growth" industry than anything even remotely related to farming. The perversio is so entirely off the charts its not possible for me to embarrass myself...and so at this point...Im left to simply point out that ugliness as the only solution or remedy to it....ADMIT IT....allow everyone to experience joy by letting go of dumass secrets...thats shoudl be Obama's battle cry....Bush and Cheney should be sentenced to living on farms in the middle east...any country at all....fuck it let them go to europse...just OUTSIDE of the US...like bad dogs set to the wolves. But no we have to fake smiles and pretend we dont know sugar causes diabetes...stop making sense and then what? Watch people you counted on hang up on you?

Check this out Jane. Check this out Bkram. Jonathan Oscar Demme while casting for Silence of, invited me to babysit for him after people had given him a tape of my (very first ever written or recorded) songs.  (I was later told Jonathan Williams listened to it for the soundtrack but opted not to). Anyway, I told Demme in that phone call I didnt feel right because I wouldnt be devoting my attention to the kid, (a newborn named Brooklyn). Because I was obsessed with paying off my (then ($8000) student loan debt asap I was holding out for songwriter-no more waitress, babysitter, personal assistant etc. Imagine? He kindly gave me his telephone number like a concerned father and told me to be careful on the road, as word got out these "manson like hippies" were seducing me...But here's the thing....Jonathan gave me his personal number and I never once called to bother him...until 6 months later when I was sort of set up in LA.....I was so excited to talk to him about his assistant telling me that my song had a shot at being in the soudntrack etc....but the first words he said to me were "How did you get this number?" It was so disappointing...I never called it again until in 1993 I had my head bashed in by a black woman cop name Deborah Moore....Jonathan pretended to give a shit...but passed me onto Aida, and the rest.....all these people had so much money, I naively believed I only needed ot e patient before being tossed a bone....but I dont really hate Jonathan...he picked and choosED how he wanted to spend his time an dignore me and my shit...s'ok...THAT is life....but the rest if the people mentioned...all came after me , with lies and spins.....so really Jane an dBikram...IM just using a kind of shock tool to get JOnathans attention...because if he doesnt tell my story...Erool Morris will...you mother fucking fucktard pieces of shit...and Jane will pay my loan.

(These people are all about hiding their sideways...ask Jeanne Kunt Anzalone working as a teacher in Clinton's backyard-see? all these poeple think theyre SO important-any association with someone in my admittedly sad and patheiuc situation is undesirable to say the least...but they dont just ignore u like roadkill on the side they RUN ME< EACH OTHER OVER! SO who the fuck wants to talk about "health care? Or "the" economy? Full of shit murderers who kill each other out of a perverted misdirected jealousy like need to "make it" to the top of somebody else's made up mountain...) 

Picture these nutty yoga people loading up everything I owned into trash bags, while calling it a something in cancer or capricorn lingo bs? a "spitual cleanse" etc) and probably going through the bags outside the Carmine Street apt...ran up a $7-800 phone bill etc....and I ended up givong my apt away to poeple who stole it out from under me...but I was young enough still I was resilient...anyway....Demme actually tried to talk me out of leaving NYC probably because everyone around me was scared to death by Bikram Melbourne family who basically scooped me up and out of NYC to go to LA....1989...what a story right Jane? In 1989 Im doing Bikram...but that's of absolutely zero value or acknowledgment to you really? These people indirectly related to Bikram stole EVERYTHING. But years later, I go thru the steps to try to get SOME of that back by working in a career I was really loving....again? Ripped away from me WITHOUT EXPLANATION? False police reports no less lol!!!!! If there was an internet back then no one would have dared TOUCH me with their lying ass.  How is insanity possible Jane? Victimized over and over....and then you jump on board with that same routine? Why? Stop making sense? Oh ya ok. Stopped making sense you mean Jonathan?

Only $8000. Now the debt combined with the interest is almost $30,000! ALl because Im such an awful dangerous person? Or because Ive remained over the years so chronically vulnerable you mother fuckers just didnt know who you were running over? That you coukld get away with it? See where we go with this? You will pay that debt right? At least that....Seemed astronomical then...but look at me go huh? Tell me Im crazy to believe Jonathan Williams might offer me $10,000 for the song My Devil? A tape that made it's way through Columbia Records, Capital, Virgin, Phillip Glass (ASK Kurt Munkacsi)...I could seriously go on naming a dozen moe elton john caliber music people...and that was for my FIRST attempt at writing songs. But Im crazy to go for it? To think its delisional for me to think maybe I could make a TINY amount of money with a great song, I could be proud of, an dactually send a cleverly hopeful message out thru the airwaves? But because Disney execs loved their Britney Spears style child porn world design? Fine....

But I get stopped from becoming a Bikram teacher? (A job a monkey could pull of if necessary)? Im stopped from making that money? Again?

A Lie for a Lie. A Truth for a Truth: It's a Public Service to Expose the Bullshit

If I try to think of anything personal, that I ever confided in anyone, friend or family,  and the idea that they would try to hurt me somehow, with anything so humiliating or embarrassing that it would drive me over a bridge, emotionally....But I've either already written about it (confessed it) or it doesn't exist. However I do take pause when I remember its the lies...all the shit intentionally spun in a certain direction, in order to ruin you without any physical wounds to reval the aggresor...the killers...all I know is kilelrs! Either big killers medium or tiny tiny killers...When think about what got me into this in the first place. all the people who make shit up. its infinte...and so there ya go...why my heart os so broken in the first place.

Lie for a Lie. A Truth for a Truth

by RainMan

25(wo?) years ago I ran with the slogan "Proud to Be Retarded"....I was happy with, got to enjoy, and be incredibly strengthened by my role in enough popularity contests in formative years that I was 100% looking for more meaning frankly. Desperate for it...so I sort of turned into Rainman...was even nicknamed that at my job at Agnes B. in Beverly Hills...I mean listen to that? Does that spund lucky? Fake? Point is I could just state a simple FACT about my life and it pisses people off...because it sounds so great maybe? I dont mention that I was riding a bus to work...because I dont mean to even be talking about myself....but people have always hated me really....My best friend Tracy from the 5th grade a few times tried to tell me why she and Rob Soucy and everyone in fact couldnt stand me, but that I had redeemeing quality they couldnt put finger on....ask these poele...i only have joy left in writing about what I know to be true...I ask about that little story because 25 years later shes out right entertained by her family and other indirectly RELATED poeple throwing me oout of coffee houses...and then I still plug away, trying to make a new go, ascape from my haters...fucking Jeanne...did you see the Movie Melancholia? Thats what it feels like today too...anyway that was a year ago....on the day the earth was supposed to end (2?) summers ago? Remember Jeanne? When you made a point of cringing when I went to give u my email to sort a few things out...but there was no point? Cringed. The cruelty...Even my cousin Melanie...oh my god too many stories....I told her things were so bad in 1994 that I was using a bucket for a toilet (shed just bought a house in VA so I thought she (my childhood sister) would of course have a bathrobe and a cup of cocoa for me...but she changed ehr telephone number(!) Was this the work of CR? I mean NOTHING made sense...But I held on....then years later with yoga they still beat me up....an dI write, and I write...just to ask why...they ALL hang up on me if I try to reach out...thats why I need like a Brad and Angelina Pitt intervention, in other words where poeple who would just stun my haters into stupification enough to listen....and see the error o ftheir ways lol....but its not gonna happen while IM alove...Ive only ever been asking why...and for that have had the shot beaten out of me...here comes another hot flash....my body os so sick it ages like 100 yrs every day it feels likeand I do take some solace in venting all of this....how it didnt have to be this way....and friendship is more important than healthcare-even for something as serious as cancer....but almost no one was ever worthy enough to be called firned....noyt by me as much as even those they play the game with...you can all have each other...full of shit hateful, earth killing hypocrites.

Anwaywhat amazed me was the way so many people who in fact were borderline retarded turned me into target practice for making myself vulnerable. This fascinated me so much that I would even genuinely laugh at first. Without any enjoyment however, I just refused to recognize my disappointment perhaps...such an incredibly lonely feeling....childhood friends, all you have for the important memories (everything) different degrees of liars. Neurotic, networking hypocrites and such a surprise with liars...even Kathy turned out to be a liar...omg she hated me so much because I tried to point out how Fashion and Charity events were self serving (like Kathy Whittemore at Radcliffe with Daniel Okrent...people who dont really go to harvard but they pay a sickly shitload of money to mingle over the summer...thats where you get your writer for the Times, or Th eBoston Globe etc....I mean it makes sense and isnt all that eveil in a way...but when I think of they cruel way these "friend" dissassocaite without explanation....and then it does become worse because I got scared and...I mean literally ONE time in the city in Wonter no less where I literakly had no where to stay, I called Nancy Huddlestion with my LAST QUARTER, she picked up when I called collect, but then to be polite(!) (See this ws how thoughtful I was) I hung up to call back and use my only quarter...and that time she didnt pick up! Even when I said "Omg Nancy Im really in a bind"....  No not a crack head. Just some fucktard named Al Smith who worked at Atlantic Records who wasnt gonna get laid, fought with him and there were no trains back up to Westchester that late.....Thast another thing how people's minds go so dirty so quickly...

I was giving my dog a bath in the tub last nite and to trick him to get in himself I put peanut butter on the wall up high enough her has to get in all the way etc....walls are so oh Ill tell this story another time....the wind feels like it could be the last day on earth....and I want to just say to God how thankful I am, with all of my vivid memories of so many incredible days most of which were spent in bliss and joy inside....just a shame that poepel have to be so full of shit......

The little songstress "Selena Gomez"  was giving an interview on one of those ET type shows and as if he were the queen of England explained to interviewer that she needs to keep her "private lief private" as if she learned that makes her sound more legitamately a "star" because thats what the stras all sat etc....it was so revolting...I wondered what the hell woudl she have to say anyone would want to know? Besides being like 14 yrs old with perverse sums of money....I realzed in that moment shes obviously a front for some cocainelaundering operation....I realized that Id never heard any of her music so went to google it (got a mayo stain on my phone typical of what she represnets) and I listened to 2-3 shit songs...then went for something more obscure....when you google her name its all pictures of her no art....but I found a song called "Outlaw" and at first thought "Oh. Ok she has some substance...this is probably a song about ICE an dimmigartion an dthe sad reality of poverty and so on....omg...what a shallow piece of shit this silly little Texan is....and yet she takes up air time where once Neil Yong stood...its no accidnet....they fit into Mr Brady's suit.....had no idea how right Marx was about Alienation....

Notice how the conversation started? A simple but direct question to a dumb fkn asshole...this is the same story with everyone i know...because its so dumb here, its less emotional -easier to use this as the ultimate example/way to describe what ppl do to me rather thsan Jane and t Donna an d Jeanne and the rest.

Omg! And no shit! This little pip squeak of an asshole "friend" of mine from childhood in Croton actually called people up and told them something (not sure exactly) so that even the band of guys I played music with with Pete a few weeks ago arent emailing me anymore...I was learning a new song...so happy for a day...and then when I called him on being late to pick up Pete Seeger because he's being roped into some "Jamacain Lottery" scheme thats bled him dry...he decided to take it out on me....because I always act so revolted when he even remotely souds romantic towards me...one of those...thats sad maybe in itself....why not be kind....but can you imagine? calling up Pete Seeger's people now and saying things?   They make movies about this kind of psychotic bullying..... This guy even knows about all the horrible police report things that happened to me and yet he would still add to it in some last reort attempt way of controlling something he cant control.... people are so fucked up and its such a shame. It could all be so good....all of the time...I really have to devote more to making the point with this example....its SO clear whats going on in the texts...sums it up better than I could-look at what the fuck people put me through!? WHy!? Worm of a little hunchback of Notre Dame wants to HURT me! Because I asked what kind of Moron gives a guy calling hmself "Jimmy Carter" in Montego Bay Jamaica $15,000!!!!! Because they told him he won the lottery! Can you imagine? And then I tried to point out how much welath he has around him, to hop in a car and go pick up this super hero icon of a man Seeger....he was like an hour late because he's on the phone with all these people in Jamaica...But Im the one who needs tobe hurt and gossiped about? Wo. See why I just want to give up? Really?
DearOprah.ORG

The Diving Bell and the Butternut Squash

Dear Dr Cindy Bryant.- I want to apologize to you for believing that you really thought of me as such a "geniusly phenomenal teacher" (as you told me while BEGGING ME to come live in your empty extra bedroom when I first got down there. This while bringing to my class your nurse friends and Hanibal Lecter anesthesiologist boyfriendz....in other words Im far from an egomaniac, and not so paranoid that I even thought about it that much....but I bring it up because-

As I am now myself morbidly obese, arthritic, psoriatic, necrotic....Im listening to Rosie Odonnel describe having her heart attack and I felt exactly like that yesterday, sweating, slight feeling of needing to vomit passing out into sleep...but obviously not as bad....why call the dr? Everyone woudl be THRILLED if I dies...Imagine KNOWING that about yourself? I also know I dont deserve that. But anyway....Without any real medical care I am unable to find the most accurate terminology, words....in really bad physical shape etc...But the point is every time I struggle to find my balance I stare at a spot on the floor instead of looking up into mirror at myself (as Bikram himself DEMANDED we do IN TEACHER TRAINING AND ask others to try to do also)...But it feels so right, so good to just relax into the pose etc....you paid $200 for a class card becaus eyou felt sorry about what was going to eb done to me? Is that why you never ONCE came to class those last 2 mos? I was revicing the nessage loud and clear that the "elders" of the studio had decided it was time to "remove" me but why so illegally? SO cruelly? So slnaderously? To ensure Im unable to work at a Birkam studio anywhere ever again was necesary because....? How does your oath go again? In my mind I thought I was challenging you...because you were 2 faced with me...I had no idea I was hurting you...see that?

Ive written about your addiction to diet Mt Dew to decsribe the kind of bullshit medicine you practice...and the irony that your were remotely involved in hurting me so badly...simply by lying. Phone records would prove that your were conversing with Susan W and Donna as I was planning on staying with you when I returned from NY...after only 2 weeks you opractically threw me out and spoke to me like I was a ward nurse who needed to sterilize the bed pans "I want this place hotel ready" I think wer ethe words....shit this is gonna be another note to myself, incomprehisble to anyone else until I can take the time to clean up the rambling here....

But ya I think u were a part of this conspiracy....omg I am so gonna get more into this....brb ...ps You can see the pool across the street form new studio? Looks  like I was living the life right? But the pool house was only $400 a month....I believe my laid back way drove Donna crazy jealous, because she didnt know how to really meditate or find actual peace in her superficial eveil personality...shes probably  bulimic...and thats teh only reason she looks reasonably in shape...but anyway....what did I EVER do to ANYONE that I deserved to be so totally KILLED? You still lving your over paid self improtat life Im sure...I have more to say but not now...will rewrite this later...I htink...

Yes anita youre next...did the Aikido club build the new studio for free for Beatrice? So much easier to get along with people who have $200,000 in the bank right?

When I see ads for "Touchstone Health" I realize that even medical insurance is like a pyramid scheme where Spielberg  keeps his family's health SO well taken care of....Marx was right...The alienation fo human beings from what really matters in life in a money driven society...to the point even drs, and yoga classes,...are KILLERS

Donna Trantham's Secret Tax Shelter Bikram Yoga Space Coast

Oh I forgot today (now yesterday) wa sthe grand opening of the studio I used to own (bikramtitusville.com) now Bikram Yoga Space Coast (hows things going Benny?) in Titusville...see the little pool in the bottom left corner? Well thats the pool Im in here also in other pic...I used to tell people it would be so great to have classes across the street and hve the pool to jump into afetr for studnets once in a while etc...(insurance my landlord explained to me wouldnt cover that of course) but isnt it amazing that the FORMER MICROSOFT EXEC FROM GERMANY NAMED BEATRICE KUNT MULZER who was a part of Donna Trantham"s silent parter yoga world...moved the studio into the place I had a fantasy blue print on? The rent was so high I couldnt have imagined pulling it off in reality...but thanks to Bill Gates, and the "new" international element spying on NASA....u never see more than maybe 12 people in her special workshop classes and maybe 4 in regular...but there she is with $100,00 in renovations? I say the state dept should chjeck these mother fuckers out...Bikram is like his own little UN...I used to be naive...but after being raped by assholes from Spain, Thailand, Mexico, Germany, Australia..too many to count...all at once no less...

Smethings up....Beatrice Mulzer quit her job at Microsoft to steal my dinky little third world studio that didnt even have showers....enough money to buy a house, renovate office space into a state of the art studio with manes and womens shower's etc...I mean you look at the signage and the photos of carpenters etc....at least $50,000 low guessimate...houses are cheap down there so well ok....maybe she spent all her savings? But still its just so cut throat....they didnt just drive me out, they did it by filing MORE false police reprots using words like "does not have weapons at this time etc"...God in heaven. On the day I die-take out 3 of them with me...and let their children read this. Donna Trantham is another local lowlife, originally from MA...she owns "Mr Submarine and sells cold cuts to kids..pretends to be a community minded person...but when you see her out drinking she's known as a local slut...ask her x husband charlie....and her multiple lovers ( I met 3 of them) she had me play around with texts to see if he would cheat on her...and he fell for the bait...THAT was the day she stopped being my friend-as if embarrassed...this witch also told me that Suzanne from Bikrm Merrit Island was on trial yrs ago fro having sex with a studnet she taught at, that most of the FL champions are all gay former junkies with crazist stpries ...another time...she told me all of this because I made the mistake of telling her about what Jane did to me...so when it suited her she played that angle on me too...one day her son was arrested for walking on th etarin tracks...

 it made me cry when she told me...that the world is such a tough place for a kid to grow up in etc...arrested for such a petty thing etc...thats was the night I told her about getting beaten up by Deborah Moore of the NYPD in 1993 (starte of end of my life) over the subway token etc...you think youre friends with these people...then months later when theyre in bully mode ...boom....ax falls...I just cant believe that Officer K. Roman was allowed to get away with standing by to stop me from being able to do anything while they changed my lockes...

 JUST so they didnt have to give me back eben half of my money as Moo agreed to do...they decoded they could keep this money if they just made me look bad...I imaghine editing this one day soit is moe coherent and makes sense...but if I dont make it, if I die, if Birkam KILLS me....the details are here and one day all thes epeople's children can know the reality of the BULLYING pices of shit parents...the killers that dont sell as many news papers as the Dhmers and Caseys...more abundant...the source of ALL that is wrong with the world...so stop pretnding nothing can change...TALK ABOUT IT ADMIT IT 

Apologize ....wont hold my breath...see that? Thats what I mean...