Let's Sell Soap. JK Rowling and the Reality of Magic

How many times have people asked JK Rowling to write their life's story for them? !0,000? 10? A million? Once? Maybe I'm the first?

I only have to imagine the author explaining to all the evil doers in my life, simultaneously that the gig is up....and I'm fine. Everything's gonna be aright...as mu h as it can be now that the final years were asted squanderd...By "the evil ones"? Im talking yoga teachers who kill....but to be able to sit them all the down, all at once, to look at me and explain why, to convince me they realize how pointlessly and cruelly they destroyed my life...this i smy fantasy to regain in a flash some of what I lost...as quickly as possible as I am now at the end of it...5 years ago I didnt realize how much strength I would loose from the physical abuse imposed upon my body by people, at least half a dozen of them severely, oh ya Jackie I didnt forgey about you...just because you're a lawyer Ive avoided like the plague the nonsense you would try to come up with...omg and patricia...(I have Karen on tape patricia describing exactly what she did and the foot massage at yogaspa...anyway fuck you all...

The goal has been to be able to firesecape away and let you all devour each other...not me anymore...but how will that happen? Who knows. How will I remain alive in the face of such dispicable, hypocritical, cowardly lying pice of shit "yoga community:...How many times did I imagine being the westchester monthly, o rthe westchesterpost.com yoga police? Or maybe I am? Watch me sell soap? Tell me if this works-be honest? Oh thats right no one can...so Ill just go on talking to myself...

No shit. I found this soap at Mrs Green. Cant remember the name. They sell it in cheese sized wheels of the most delicious ingredients it feels like a hug. ALl organic, natural, essential oils and herbs and the fragrances bring me to my knees...but most importantly...why Im going on so...my skin condition is all but healed up after about 4-6 weeks...only bought 2 small pieces (its cher)...but it lasts...love it...Will type name in in a bit...along with editing this thing up if IM not stabbed continually in the back by my yoga :teachers: today...over and over...IM late...for my non paying job at the farm..simply because my back is fused together with the scared to ddeath muscles, look IM stuttering....when I do this IM its  a moistake my fingers lingers....gotta go...cant believe what you have done to me...an dthe police have allowed themselves and otherspeople to treat me criminally my entire adult life....why? The war only needs to be on stupidity...this is my little space...me talking to my god...and who are you? Jesus meets elvis's lawyer? a piece of shit what? what do you want? you abuse me an dthen come back looking for what? another slap in the face that makes you want to kill and torture me harder? poeple are ao fckn full of shit. so goddam stupid....so Im gonna go work on that magic trick...

sos

Lotteree Lotterah

The day i shot this still of my actual local news station (Albany) lottery results was the day i realized how fixed it was. All I can think about today is Paul Karas's response to my proposal that he return for the original price the property his father took from my family in 1984. He rented this property out for the past 30 years. $1000? $3000 per month x 360 equals roughly a million dollars...I suppose taxes for that long probably left him without a huge profit...but thats the thing. Its not about the money, it's about restoring what should not have happened. Picture Jimmy Stewart auctioning off a family's home in 1984 for less money than was paid for it in 1971. I approached Mr Karas in 1994 to ask him what he might consider selling it back to my family (when I was broke yet still optimistic about my hopeful future...what could go wrong? He told me that he had offered my mom the opportunity to rent to own it back. I dont know why I believed him, but I was so angry at my mom for years after I heard that, I finally called her on it and she furiously denied it, insisting Mr Karas had offered no such thing. "Quite the opposite in fact!" she declared.

But this isnt about fighting over anything. The internet makes fighting a thing of the past, and to some degree anyway, the facts are free to speak for themselves. Fact: A family was displaced. Lives were destroyed for what? Because some people play the game of monopoly as if much more obvious hunger games. I like to imagine that Paul has more than he and his family need, and by making one important thing right again in my life, I would instantly have the opportunity to heal my family. So easily Paul and I could work it out. Because the effects of so much counterfeit money in circulation in or society has created a cancer that will probably destroy everyone at this point anyway...If the family that has lived there for years wants to stay let them stay on as long as they need, so for it to be less traumatic...Paul and I would be interviewed on every news station across the country...oh but wait! That's right...too many people would intervene and make sure I would never get such a lucky break. Then it really makes me laugh how these same people will come here looking, wondering how they can keep hurting me further, looking for ammunition they can twist into a story that creates a feeling of security based on me simply not ever fitting in...

If I didn't get a shot with tucky bottom it might look like a nexus plug. I bought this 5$ bottle about 9 months ago...for the past 2 mos I've maintained about an inch of conditioner on the bottom....im on my way to a friends house to do laundry because i cant budget the $3 with car insurance payment due in 2 days, and the only reason i still have my phone is because xboss feels guilty for blowing me off after a yr of promising a real hot yoga operation....oh well...life goes on?

Like rhe George Michael song "and the rich declare themselves poor cause most of us are not sure..." only means just that, dumb people entrusted with the counterfeit currency only because theyre a sure thing never to ever stand up against any injustice...when was the last time you scraped $1 in pennies together to buy the cheapest dishwashing soap...keep in mind please you're not 32 yrs old your 52! Why such a hard time making money? Finding a job? Ask Jane kartsch what happens when you only have $50 in the bank and you get pulled over for speeding on way to a job interview, and yore so flabbergasted at this point the cop decides you need a special lesson in discipline and slaps u with a fine...while your squatting neighbor who holds gun to his babys head lives his life untouched, the obese white neighbors watch out for when and if I park my card in the shade, even if only for an hour in a "visitors" parking spot while my "assigned" parking spot in vacant...next thing u know there's $120 in fines....the petty shit, the chronic downward cycle of bullying is from a poverty created by hate and stupidity...

 

Like rhe George Michael song "and the rich declare themselves poor" only means just that, dumb people entrusted with the counterfeit currency only because theyre a sure thing never to teally stand up against any injustice...when was the last time you scraped $1 in pennies together to buy the cheapest dishwashing soap...keep in mind please you're not 32 yrs old your 52! Why such a hard time making money? Finding a job? Ask Jane kartsch what happens when you only have $50 in the bank and you get pulled over for speeding on way to a job interview, and yore so flabbergasted at this point the cop decides you need a special lesson in discipline and slaps u with a fine...while your squatting neighbor who holds gun to his babys head lives his life untouched, the obese white neighbors watch out for when and if I park my card in the shade, even if only for an hour in a "visitors" parking spot while my "assigned" parking spot in vacant...next thing u know there's $120 in fines....the petty shit, the chronic downward cycle of bullying is from a poverty created by hate and stupidity...

CASHTANGA VINYASA

CASHTANGA VINYASA. Im going to live every last day as if dec22 is the last..after seeing the latest footage from Greenland....I just want to slap everybody across the face. If there was a man made version of heaven it would be facebook. Talking to people you'd never have seen again most likely, people who you shared the bath tub (and water!) with, to find out their parents are still alive too...suh an emotional blast of amazement...somewhat continually....did I forget to talk about how and why I hate Jane Kartsch more than any Hitler or Noriega?

In a film last nite I heard an actress say "Eggs are chicken period." I had to put that thought out of my min dthis morning as that was all I had to eat...but hen thats not true, I have TONS of little frozen gluten based sandwhiches from one of the mrs green's dumpster. Picture me dumpster diving and Jane Kartsch calling the police on me for trespassing...you say to yourself "Oh! Stop being overly dramatic! Stop exaggerating?" And I say to you. Fuck you and your addiction to convenience too. It's called blackballing, or being backballed. Wy doesnt anyone, after ALL these years now! Explain to me what it was I did to have this ruined for me? My body, my health deeply affected...my life's already strained relationships...oh. Because she has no explanation for being born a cunt. I woul dcall her that to her son's face, unless he apologized for her. Explained that she was so incredibly unpopular, and bullied while growing up she has this carelessly childish way of being a gossiping troublemaking popularity contest social addict...who never will really matter to anyone as everything she ahs ever done has just been to copy, repeat, paint by numbers, other people's work and discovery...as it get's uglier you'd think thi s"teacher" of school children would pioneer a way to simply admit how she fkd up - but the cost to my life? Way too priceless for her kind of coward.

Thanks for the justice seeking tools Steve. If Steve jobs had passed 3-4 days earlier he would have passed 10111. If he had passed 5-6 days later he would have passed 101011 or 101111. 00000000000000000101111 http://www.bullyoftheyear.com

Dear Christine Roman

It's not appropriate, in fact it's downright evil, for CNN (Newsroom) to advise people on what is allowed and not allowed if ever writing about an old employer. Very specifically saying "do NOT burn bridges. That's what it's about" and I have to ask what is "it" she's referring to? The life with the Lambourhini you cant drive  anyway in the garage?

Forgive me for saying so but the problem with this country is the ball-lessness, and false sense of security the mews media maintains in the flock...FAB is EXACTLY the place where people SHOULD be able to KILL, to VENT, to have the brakdown! And really fine out who your firneds are. But because everyone is afraid to find out...your job is to maintain the scenery? That's obviously strating to crumble?

The children CAN ruin lives just as they watch adults do it to each other. But the children can also SAVE lives, just as adults more easily than ever can stick their necks out and CHANGE the corruption that has rules for way to long.

I wish the news media were more introspective to inspire discovery and new directions, an easier time admitting when wrong directions were taken...so instead of stiffling this divine technology..."experts" should be invited on only when they are maybe teaching a healthier view, not selling "security" systems...know what I mean

I am a FANTASTIC person, but I cant get a job pumping gas at the LukOil in Croton because I burned bridges (napalmed them) but it was a good fight. SO what happens now? I go to heaven sooner than later?

I dare you to prove I was NOT the first person to send a text message in 1990. To introduce me to anyone at all, who actually did it, not working on it but DID IT? The point being only to point out how my cleverness is not only wasted, but cruelly so. I registered bullyoofthemonth.com AND .org almost 10 yrs ago as a cry fro help to get work then! I registered www.governorpataki.com before anyone else in the world...but I cant get a job pumping gas because I was told by a friend who works there that "she (i dont even know her) doesnt like me"...I have practically zero cahsflow all these years...I have an opportunity to chariy buy a yoga studio only to have done to me what they did etc...TOO many stories to tell

But the reason my life was ruined is not because of the  internet and blogging . Its because I have the videotape (!) of a state trooper shoplifting...and the police will see to it that I am never allowed to talk about it...or so it seemed they'd be able to get away with pre-ineternet (1997)

Anyway...my writingis sloppy becuse I can barely see anymore (probably diabetes) and IM trying to not stare at screen too long, not wasting my time writing to strangers who wont bother reading my message in a bottle etc...

Here's the thing-It hit me last nite that yes, even though classmates.com was trying to create itself probably in teh late 90s...it was a scheme that just stole out credit card numbers and so never worked. I, first text message creater, registered www.chhs1979.com in MAY 2003, 3-5 months BEFORE myspace....although its like comparing paintings to digital photography technology, I HAD THE IDEA...I was begging my firneds in croton to open PIlates studios after learning about it in NYC in the late 80s...I have always been inventive...and yet all powerful CNN can only tell me, its because my internet etiquette isn't obeying someeone elses's rules?  

Sorry this is so long and probably hard to read....but when I started writing all of this became more and clear. The thin Blue Line exists.

A good friend of my family's did something beyond inappropriate to me in HS and I dared to talk about it, ONLY to ask why it was that I was always being fired over nothing and kept poor etc...people suck and your job is to shine light on the hypocrisy isnt it? Ive been ostracized for being brave is my point...and yet the "'news" does nothing when truly bad things happen if bleeding or sensatoin of some kind isnt involved...thats how you fix unemployment by paying attention the the tedious detais and finding ways to inspire people that teh detaoils are what its all about ?

On my behalf a $12,000 investment came together for my one last shot at having a life. I went to Birkma Yoga training and thrived. Found something I truly loved, lost 54 pounds, and knew if I did it right I'd make good money owning my own studio. I had a plan. Come home from the 90day training apprentice as we're reqired (a 2 hr commute), be so happy Id meet the love of my life, maybe have a baby or foster even etc...make a family!

Instead a woman who owned a studio decided she would ruin my life after not calling her back quick enough on a holiday...go ahead and read her police attempt at faking a police reprot. I posted it becaus ethe ridiculousness of it tells the story (if anyone bothered to read it) But this hateful woman called every studio in tristate area to tell them I was "dangerous"...I didnt have money for gas, stoped practicing because its impossible to do at home etc, the stress of not having money...long story short instead of suicide...ther the internet...www.bullyoftheyear.com

Ya I am probably to sloppy fro you to take seriuosly...but if you consider the facts, and understand that I cant even get a job pumping gas? The depression is like sleeping under a futon....you would be more likely to laugh about my "crazy" ramblings then understand...so I save the energy from  caring right back...but maybe you might care?

Because a man named Syed from  South Afrika lent me$100 at teh end of my training to have something ion my pocket while travelling...I was 46 yrs old...can you imagine...my country's credit rating is related to that man's picture of what kind of backstabbing society I live in here...see what I mean? Its all interconnected, endlessly, so I dont mean to dump..

Bt I thought this rambling, messy  USAGE OF TECHNOLOGY to make a better world would speak for itself...go ahead and be sloppy...because if you cant let it all hang out with yorur "friends?"  WHo is anybody kidding ya know?

Great story about Dave Tuttle...I just gave him my apple, walnut,raison (poor mans strudel) recipe...if he has a hit with it? Youre my witness ;) Thanks for listenin

ps Oh? Last moneday my neighbor held a gun on his child and I happened to catch the girlfriend saying so on my camera....the cops didnt even come....ya its hard being green :( Thats somewhere in the hellcrest channel too if youre interested-you need earphones to hear it-but we're talking babies..The cops protect him becuse the cops are involved with the gangs here...Ive watched it for years...

Too many stories...

The Book of Mann

I don't know why my dog appears to be wanting to do yoga in a very hot tiny room? Since I dont have the heat on now, like when he usually does it, it just doesn't make sense so I figure he's just looking for new place to move to in the apt, but then seeing him half on my mat thats layed down in the center of the room

("There is no such word as "layed"; the correct answer is "laid". ... Layed seems to have been an alternative spelling until the 17th century, but is only used now ..." seriously who decides these things? The politicians. The generals...all for the giant chess games to the sky-see how this bold font that is NOT apart of the quote is distracting to a writer? Makes me need to figure out how to clear it up for my reader...I found myself in translating to Chinese options before I was able to find Burn disc in itunes...I still have not found it...I can be retarded but that's hardly the only inconvenient "reinvention" of user friendly...)

fkn spellcheck. can't live with it cant live without it? The stream of consciousness is interrupted, thereby dumbing down, or at least distracting a focussed mind. It gradually becomes the norm...this is why it's dangerous to let the chinese to build our own behavioral modifications...

Some sort of software has been developed to "punish" the copy and paster quoter, and so I am completely off the subject of exploring yoga through the mind of another species (I mean seriously, Ive been checking this out for a while, he even goes in when Im not when its heatig up or cooling down and just seems to enjoy heat on his 10 year old bones, but to the point he acts like he would just stop breathing he's panting so hard-so I had to be sure the couple of times I let him stay to keep an eye out...as if he would...I dont know but anyway...so many good things to write about, just got interrupted by something that is maybe the most important thing Ive ever pointed out in my life...

Purdy? So in 2001(?) I may have said "Try it and if you dont like it you dont have to pay me, although asking to change and update your menu 3 times certainly allowed me to feel you were somewhat committed, certainly when I was only asking a lousy $100 for a year...plus getting our buts out on the internet. I was building a niche for myself. I WAS FLAT BROKE but you, who know nothing about computers, judge me so harshly you dont pay, a fellow alum lol?, who's only not homeless because living off family loans? Im good at teaching yoga, I love it, but I can't work why? Even after a $12,000 investment, I not only wont be ALLOWED to make a living teaching yoga, I cant even get a job at pumping gas....and with zero cashflow, sounds like a dream job...

So Im stopped form working. Work with me here? Someone? Everyone? I should have a grading system 1-100% Jane get's 100% because if I had just been left alone I know for a fact, wouldnt have ever been financially poor again...but that scares everyone I think. Is that what it is? Because look at what I do? I bolg? Since late 90s! BUt I get no credit why? And now today can you see, even in my "sloppiness" I do a lot more than holding up a mirror here in a "look at yourself" while you're so busy judging me"? That's the thing I am by nature, normally defensive. I didnt know what it was to be offensive as I am of late, until I had to confront the blatant evil. How else do you do it? With weapons? With jail cells? JANE KARTSCH CALLED POLICE BECAUSE SHE WOULD LIKE TO SEE MY IN JAIL! This IS the most important "issue" people need to face-if she had apologized to me this would have stopped before it got started, and as I said even when i left to go 1000 miles away to work, the damage still resonates-and just because it may bot be obvious to a passerby-thats doesnt mean it doesnt exist! Its like by allowing her to get away with it, if nothing else being caught in a blatant lie by her own doing and letter writing! The contradictions, the inventions-all revealed themselves-thats why she cant do shit! If I were to go too far and ACTUALLY scare her-I realize that's where the line is! BUt shit! Even the police must understand this no? If they dont (and Im sure plenty of the blockheads dont-which makes it especially stressful for me) Reinvent Civil Law and Order Kartsch! I dare YOU to write ANYTHING that is actually true! YOu havent yet because you realize with the internet and the ability top prove dates and times I WILL SO HAVE YOUR ASS IN BANK VAULT  in a flash...ok so let's ask Jesus to hang here with us for a moment (forgive me lord for risking sounding in vain in front of the haters and idiots) Jane ok? How about a simple apology and a few sentences explaining why you involved yourself as you did? Why you went out of your way to call every possible place within 3 state I might have worked clean slate? What was so bad that you couldnt just let me be and if you really believed I might tarnish the Bikram Yoga name or something? What was it specifically that I did that didnt deserve your benefit of the doubt? I believe any cop at the Yorktown police dept who would take the time to look at our story, at your emails (the brilliant unadulterated record!!!!) accusing me to LA Bikram headquarters of "altering" the police report that made YOU look like an idiot, they would see the felony upon felony...technicalities to anyone else but me obviously! I wantred to focus on my health Jane! Im loosing my strength by the day...and its NOT just age...the tolls taken were not god and nature! They were YOU!!!! All the asshole who may have gossiped or sent me away, they suck! But YOU? You bent over backwards to LIE! To make things up because I never did anything to you!!! So when my already screwed up life suddenly had this great new direction and HOPE why did you kill it?  Kill me in fact slowly, deliberately, maliciously. Why the final nail? You knew enough about me to know this would destroy my health. I told you in emails I was gaining weight and BEGGED you to just let me practice! Thats it! How the FUCK does that make you go after me the way you did? Martiza is my facebook friend and let's me practcie at her place because SHE knows youre a liar-you even did it to her too I hear? Screwed her out of your Bronx studio partnership? Oh Im sorry is that private? How will you shut me up Jane?

 ...what would it take to make you go after someone to the point of destroying their ability to keep , hold or find a job? Maybe all people do it a little bit every time even when "their" man or woman looks at another...but evolution has taught us sometimes we get that wrong....

Im broke. So what's new? U Purdue, you might be just the person to explain to me what the fuck is going on that I cant even get a job pumping gas at 6am, to this day. Purdy do you know I created one of the first online yearbooks (I'd bet in the tristate area) when I registered http://www.chhs1979.com 4 months before MySpace was "launched" and later THEfacebook....but how does Croton react to my GOOD WORK? Was it a relationship with the Pennysaver that went beyond the boundaries to deliberately drive me out?  Why am I asking? Oh I dunno! Guess! Im almost out of the money Ive borrow from another cousin! Imagine the toll borrowing money takes on a family relationship? BUt what Im fascinated by is that you never actually apologized, how can you not see how small damage rusts into totalled prematurely here? Poeple flatter themselves when they ahve the nerve to interpret my writing like this as an enjpyable experience! I HAVE NOTHING, it's like a 10 year long cry for help/suicide note BEGGING someone say to me, "omg you must be freezing! come in out of he cold! They did what to you? Well we certainly cant let them get away with that!" Then everyone wins...because the chronic fascist shit hurled my way year after year was at one point easily remedied with money and a simple plan.....but I was thrwon bones like a dog, little bit to stay awake for the torture...Oh my god? Does no one else see it? How much was lost? I feel like I could be walking around with a cure and all anyone has to do is touch me...but they've been "warned" by who? Jane? Hardly...Its a phenomenon..and THATS why people sue for KAZILLIONS fro the damage done by slander...I could have had a baby at 46, nothing was in place for it so I wasnt totally delusional to believe ...but the point is how does anyone put a price on that? How does anyone have the gaul to tell me it's better not to talk about it? That Jane NEEDS 2 yoga studios and I cant even runaway to Florida to have one without it being taken away from me? This story WILL shame you...so everybody get your fucking lawyers on the phone so they can explain to you why your f'actual actions as a part of my story will speak for themselves....the beauty of my art is you cant spin it-and thats why people want to kill me. Dont want your kids to know how you were a part of destroying a good persons life? Correction a GREAT person.....All these years and not one apology. Calling the police ON CAMERA why Peggy? Because Youtube was barely there-and you will make SURE no one remembers me anyway? You stupid whore? Mother? Wife? Who contributes to ruining mine-and IM supposed to be quiet about it because? Thats how "it's" done?

Like I said "who decides this shit? Anybody feeling it yet? Morons will be inspired all around to hurt me, kill me! An dthen all the nice shit people can protect their kids ears from their parents hypocrisy...

You graciously gave me the charity gardening for a few meals 6 years later why? That was your apology? Well did I ever get to say thank you? Yes I did by being your friend for the next however many years, not realizng I was mistaken until whenever you spoke your ass to whomever in public saying something about me being violent, corroborating the whiney story I was in the middle of telling to someone I was just meeting for the first time...

In that moment I began to see where Jane Kartsch gets her information. She gets no out, no pardon, as anyone who acts on 3rd party gossip based on...

So that's the thing Purdy, Im trying to be polite, reserved, but that's not how you write the GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR THE LONGEST SUICIDE NOTE EVER! If I had met you as a paying customer-our friendship/aquiantancship would be TOTALLY differnt. Can you at least admit that? Money RULES to the point of perversion. There's a population growth problem as a result...am I crazy? Ot just a little too brash for your taste? Imagine people wanting to call the police on each other for being brash lol? NO lol! I think you said it didnt you? When did I see u last? Last sumer? spring? When did I SWEAR I would never speak to you again last?

Please take a look at this lovely little stupid site I built? http://crotonmenus.com/ in the 17th century people invented speaking politely to those they really wanted to strangle? As strnagling became chronically messy? I mean wtf? Are you laughing a little? Or are you RUSHING to join forces against a helplessly, hopelessly cashless screwup-let to die alone...look at me? I have become that disgusting? I thought the brains around me were trained to SEE what IM saying between the lines. What Im inventing and being not only left without a job, but when I figure it out it's time for a new gang of bullies to form a badwagon? 

Watch me invent Craig? Watch me appear to be crazy and yet anyone with half a brain can see a woman who's been ruined in the same way people have ruined each other for sport since the dawn of...but look at the list we have at our fingertips? My book of mann...

Too Angry to Not Have Answers: Copy and Pastorale Bowel Movement

I went to make a quick edit on last post and went postally long...so Im too tired to re read. Not sure if it makes sense. Im just so happy to see people (appear to be) reading my blog, although it's probably the same 19 people....

Copy and Paste:

I see thru poeple and they dont like that..they want to punish me for it, which seems sort of normal, almost natural it's such common behavior, but what I have a problem with is the way they enjoy it...JANE KARSTCH HAD NO REASON TO INTERFERE IN MY LIFE TO TH EPOINT SHE IS STILL ACTIVELY INTERRACTING WITH BIKRAM YOGA LOS ANGELES HEADQUARTERS. I RECORDED A CONVERSATION WITH HER HUSBAND JACK JUST 2 MONTHS AGO OR SO WHERE HE TOLD ME ABOUT THE MILE HIGH DOSSIER! FILES!" That they have on me...and Jack Kartsch knows this how? Are you reading this Kathwhatever? Are you making sure Jane see's it? GOOD! Am I crazy? Is the FBI watching? Just as Bikram asked me in training "Why everybody hate you so much?" I couldnt answer the question without guessing, grabbing at straws. Because the murderous damage Kartsch caused to my life is beyond repair...ya ya ya I have peace, and I can pretend I dont ever let anyone steal it just like anyone else...but why should I? There's a reason men love to hunt, and there is more satisfaction in hunting down liars than canned game shows at least? That's why American men have gone so off, not knowing where to put it right...why lawyers dont defend once good people's ruined names...imagine beingin a foreign country and never knowing how youre life was destroyed because you cant see their teeth in the fake smiles?  Im just realizing 

mahoney would want to see me dead, wanna put me in a box...demarest deep in the ground. the absurdity of too many hypocrites and intelligent oeple using their power for evil...has me writing instead of killing myself....did one sentence make sense? no matter...most epope who read my writing think they want me dead...Im just begging poeple to wake the fck up for 30 years crying about Reagan's fake and the Bush Plan. Whats interesting is IM not just broke all the time, as soon as anything good strats to happen, someone ILLEGALLY writes a police report, or spreads some awful rumour...the only fcked up thing I remember doing was writing too vividly about sex...and even then...it wasnt gratuitous! Ive never hurt a goddam human being in my life...I want a reality show where I get to confront the fucked up poeple that fucked me up...they'll be paid a million dollars to think they wont get caught "just fibbing"....my prize would be to have a crew hold me back from expressing the rage I might momentarily feel in wanting to first spit n slap, then punch, the show how "dangerous" a person Ive been turned into in my mind so far, but oh! The fantasy of kicking my foot into Jane's pelvis, and then picking her up from her neck and flipping her over smashing her onto her back and just hitting and punching like a crazy person, with every bit of crazy she wishes for the world to see me as...Im hating Bikram lately for letting 5 years go wasted like this at such a critical time, but physically attacking him doesnt even enter my mind...Bikram was stupid for not stopping Jane, in fact allowing the secretaries (let's take a pole lol) to gang up on me...what does rico mean again? Bikram should not only disregard the $3000 I owed him, he should reimburse me for the entire training at a minimum....I dont even see myself wanting to express violence towards the shit neighbor who fried my computer and put a gun to his head-far from forgiveness-he's a stupid idiot that doesnt know any better and Im stuck living nevt door to it. If I found out he did it on purpose that woudl be differnt-that would be like Jane-I feel righteous in calling out THAT kind of evil...stupid eveil i sonly slappable...deliberate MALICE is what Kartsch operated on...no rhyme or reason in a world going down the tubes...omg if I became a foster parent she would have seen to it my child would have been ripped away from me...IM SO not exaggerating...The day Jane Kartsch give me ONE honest reason as to why she WENT AFTER ME so venemously creating things! Thats the thing! I get that people hate me because I can be fast and loose with teh TRUTH! I admit Ive even been careless and insensitive from time to time...but I have NEVER lied. Or made anything thing up. ___n was probably recording me from his office when we were talking about the unconscious sex episode from 1981(?). I am pretty sure we had-wont go into the gory details, but he SO wants it not to be true (or keep it secret)....I had to admit that I loved him so much at the time, I may not have minded. People are encourage not to speak openly online because it obviously invites troublemakers I guess...BUt thats why suicide comes up...you cant even talk or write about the bad or unfair things that happen to you lol without someone else being inspired to raoe you..or some idiot comes along who thinks you want to be attacked because you just happen to be braver than anyone theyve ever met?

God be with me. Are you allowed to bless yerself?

Even if I won a huge settlement from, jesus the list is long, Jane is my main focus because she was the one who really organized the coven, went out of her way to interview oeple like an agent lol...omg dont even go there...Jane probably is some informant for M....what's the name for the israeli cia? Omg....

I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A FKN BOYFRIEND, MAYBE A FAMILY I WAS 46 FKN YEARS OLD! Why coudnt they leave me alone? If you dont like someone why do you have to organize a movement against them? Thats what Im getting at. I read somewhere that its a felony to conspire to destroy an individual, dont remember the verbiage, but that was the sentiment...easily overlooked law unless you ve been FUCKED for 30 yrs....I agree!

I would be willing to give up monetary reward or anything really to simply know why! If I won a million dollars I dont hardly care anymore! Ive been done in by the mortality of the hot flash...I swore I would be like Emmy...and I probably would have been ...if Jane Fucking Kartsch had stayed out of my life. I bet Officer Kaley was forced to resign because she complained that I got my hands on an unredacted (sp?) copy of her fake police report....omg I WANT TO AT LEAST SLAP HER SUPER FUCKING HARD!!!!

So have your lawyer Wolf writ eme another letter Jane! OR have the entoire fucking goddam detective dept of the Yorktown police force talk to YOU about why you would go out of your way to interfere with my life, I had a job lined up in Norwalk and only HOPED that you would get over yourself and spare me the ridiculous polar bear killing commute! You couldnt figure out where to put your password! For me to not call you, on memorial day 2006 made you LOOSE IT! I have yours and Jacks phone messages saved from back then! Jack was so nice. I didnt understand why you were so pleading, and was shocked that you reverted to threatening me with an attorney dau after holiday! IN FUCKING EMAIL OF WHICH I HAVE EVERY GODDAM ONE!!!! 

How do I get 5 lost years back? No one has the right to tell me Im over reacting! Imagine that you didnt get to have the child you now have because some whacked out Kartsch interfered...I guess thats an impossible comparison...but imagine she goes out of her way to make you loose your ability to support your family, and creating tension from the poverty that does make poeple want to keep their distance...rich people LOVE to "help out" at volunteer churchi stuff, which of course has a place...but really its because theyre too lazy to call liars on their games...if I did have kids I might not be so bold! But..whatever..should I post this? Should I assure everyone Im not going to hurt porr Ms Karstch? Omg..I can just imagine...my cuntry ADORES caged fighting and watching men actually kill each other, but little old fat lady alone with her cat who cant afford an oil change...that's who the cops like to beat up...so they know they wont be late home for dinner....wow..its really kinda true huh? 

Ya I made my HS classmates, yearbook, and uploadable message board 4 months before Myspace (year plus before THE Facebook). IM caled "dangerous" because poele have always loved a good crucifiction, especially when its the popular girl you didnt get to sodomize....until now. Oh but Ill take that peace with me thank you very much.

Four Leaf Clover

My "daily" practice sucks so bad...it's hard to stay motivated when the fresh blubber is staring my aching back in the face...if I had a funeral I can't think of anyone I would want to be there...half ass friends, hypocritical friends, I guess Im lucky to know I have none than all the false friends people think love them...if only they knew that if they didnt have their financially stable circumstances, they would be sort like me...Hey AB? Did you find what you were looking for? Im too smart for my own good...

I once found a four leaf clover. Because the fourth seemed so much smaller it almost didn't seem like it could count as such...Luck is a crazy concept anyway. Lucky to be here right? 

I bought 2 cucumbers last night and 2 plum tomatoes because they were a few pennies cheaper than the vined...tonight I bought 2 whole wheat rolls at the A&P for .69 each. When I finally got up enough gumption to make the cuke salad with half the avocado I had left and my lovely vinaigrette luck didn't seem to be a part of the recipe for the barely healthy dinner I could barely afford.While sskinning the cuke it slipped out of my hand into the nasty slow draining water for a second and just disgusted me so, I shave a good 1/4 inch into it to try to sterilize...there was so much crap in that sink, even eggshells. Then when I was toasting the roll, I got distracted. As I smelled the char starting to smoke I just barely saved it from being totally trashed...

Seriously? Who lives like this? I have no cash flow, and I can't even get a part time job at a gas station. It was explained to me that the owners wife, some woman named ______, who "just doesn't like you (me)." I don't know the woman from Adam, but she knows me obviously...or at least thinks she does.

I do know that she seems like she's about 30 years younger than her husband the garage owner...it's not fair to generalize but that is classically an indication of an"old-digger" Although her hubby seems like a lovely man....what am I getting at? 

It's no accident that I can barely afford a cucumber salad. It's a combination of a few different things like random displaced hatred coupled with, insecure jealous wives, and a dash of ThinBlueLine survival for 19 years...but it all adds up to a simple case of "No money no honey."

People with money, or even just the security from having a little steady money, believe that they are smarter, or somehow born luckier...when really they're just the more ruthless cut throat types....who understand the practical aspects of marriage of convenience...and any single woman who comes along to remind them of their shallow decisions, or sacrificed freedom, they subconsciously want to destroy...

My life has been so completely destroyed socially for the most evil, lying of reasons, at least I had my will...for a while after the lok out, tat is until I fell last year...not being able to walk at my age has been the final nail in the coffin...it's like my body is completely falling apart every which way as a result...and the depression that goes with it prepares me for not panicking at the prospect of death coming sooner than later....The realization of how little anyone can afford to care about me came a few years back when I was sure I was having a heart attack...thats quite something, to experience the shameful indifference of people youve known youre whole life, completely comfortable with assuming it's not really a heart attack...no last word...no "I read this the other day" Just a cutting off...I saw it for what it was...

The combination of not being able to even find any job on top of that? This is why people commit suicide...Ive talked about suicide for so many years-desperately wishing people would give me a break and turn things around before they got any worse....but the opposite happens....

For a year I bit my tongue watching directionless people squander money for the sole purpose of stroking an ego, or adult version of playing "office" in same vein as a kid playing house....

The world is run by the lucky recipients of the counterfeit money...but in a world where no one even much likes each other anymore, it's starting to show that the money doesn't matter...but the perversion of it all, is the residue of all the ego, that can't relinquish leadership to those with the instinct that seems to come out of no where, therefore divine, because it's so effortless etc...we are all so fucked...and to all the people who felt better about themselves for seeing me so bad off? There's a special place in hell, more special than the one you're all already in.

I started to have a run at a steady practice last week but then my neighbor threatened to use a gun on his baby...they were screaming so loud and banging around I turned on my camera and actually captured that little statement made by the babymomma...the whole bldg ws listening but no one called police....I have my own reasons, but it got the better of me when I realized this is gonna one day be the guy who throws a baby in its car seat off a bridge, and so I called the police anonymously (as if)....other than sloppily letting everyone know it was me who called, they did absolutely nothing...why? Because I don't matter. Because poeple who dont even know me are fine with thinking they "hate" me. Wont hire me, or will fire me....Jane Kartsch has no idea just how far her lies cut...in an already struggling life...it was my 11th hour...and I did EVERYTHING right...but she had to take it away...and now Im dead. Not only will I officially, biologically never have kids...I can't even help a baby with parents who play with firearms on it's head....lol even my upstairs "nice" neighbors The Bolls are always talking in the hallway about what a horrible neighbor I am (check out my competition for the award for Worst Neighbor: 

http://yfrog.com/i3683z )

...but that's just because her husband still loves to remind people about meeting me for the first time 19 yrs ago when I accidentally opened my door to get my laundry less than dressed...crucified for being single, crucified, for being chronically broke, way too old for this...bullshit.

Done.

Priceless Knowledge from Emmy Cleaves

Ever seen a 90 year old woman doing yoga on her head?

Im rarely a brown...noseur, and I won't begin now, here with Emmy. To be honest I was maybe too distracted to appreciate her as much as I should have during my training. But there were plenty of priceless things she said that stayed with me, as if turning me into an accidental scientoist or researcher more like it...for example when she claimed to have never have had an hot flash. I fully believed her, but anytime I ran the concept by other women it was shot down. But right or wrong ego makes men and woman flaunt their lack of expertise or imagined experience out of sheer chilishness most of the time...I held firm. Believing I too would never have a hot flash. If only simply by grabbing it by its  tail and confronting it with a perfectly scientific explanation, to scare it away...because as an aging woman who never got to have children it's a bit beyond depressing to think that's the end all...never have to worry about putting all the eggs in one basket ever again, as there are no more eggs. Its official. Kaput...? Or is it?

For the past 2 weeks it seemed to have started. Perhaps they are hot flashes, but Ive npt fully bought it because Ive been noticing that everything from the oddly warm weather, the "solar flares", the synthetic non breathing clothing I too often wear..diet...depression, sweat, airflow...oh! and being close to computer devices! That was the big clue. That it what now has me paying closer attention. Discoevering I ca control my hot flashes. I think. Certainly its worth exploring. For me anyway.

Last year I shared this thought with an older excercise type, the anorexic type, who purge to maintain their "following" based on an appearance of health...westchester is full of "health" instructors lik ethis...anyway, she made a cute joke about how Emmy "simply must have forgotten she had them lol"....but really, in fact the kind of person who's health is underneath it all just a charade of a business wouldn't have the time, or probably even be capable of the kind of sensitivity required to be an observant researcher. The pay is awful, and the Galileo mindset is as strong as it's ever been....people are full of shit, we inadvertently empower the wrong people based on the most superficial of judgements....

brb

You Know it's Over When....

So I was prescribed about 50+ oxycodone pills a year ago, and I still have about 20 left because I don't like to take them unless really needed. I started to feel last year they were making some nerve damage worse, couldny explain how or why....but anyway I haven't taken one in so many months I barely remember...but the point is:

Most people abuse this medication from what I hear, but I do not...so I find it incredibly ironic when a woman Ive known from the Dam with our dogs (freddy and Zoe and syd-can't rmember her name) but while walking with her today I told her I was feeling the back pain so I took an oxycodone...I still can't easily process her reaction.

She looked at me like I was a drug abusing troubled teen (at the age of 51)...Its as if people don't listen to each other directly because gossip is so much more fun as it is convenient. "You shouldn't do that! That's dangerous!" She practically scolded me. I played along as I am SO sick of pointing out how rude poele are to their faces, I mean shit!

I had another old Croutonite tell me that he tells people that my life got all screwed up because of drug problems lol! This just makes me want to go to CIA assasin college and pray for balance when our neighborhoods start to look like Syria today...

I am so goddam sick of the hypocrisy that stole from me such a critical time in my life, an opportunity to make a healthy living, reconnect with strained relationships...ALL, every GD one of my problems stems from the stress of having homes ripped away, being beaten up by cops over subway tokens, or CATCHING THEM on vidoe tape (in what appears to be) shoplifting matters. Last time I left out the parenthesis I was slapped with a 10 million defamation lawsuit by that NYState Trooper...to this day the police only ever threaten me, rarely do anything to help me...like a few weeks ago when some gangster downstairs broke into out bldg's meter room by mangling the asp and padlock-decided to play electrican, risk burning down the bldg...and the only thing that ended up getting fried was my most precious 10 year old computer, that had never once had a thing wrong with it, movies I was editing, writings (as you can only imagine), software, music.....endless whole world of its own....I only called the cops when he physically threatened me in the hallway somply for asking too many questions, trying to figure out what happened...when the cops arrived they could have cared a less...they left within 5 minutes if that...good old Polay....Oh! Yes of course but when my upstairs neighbors who have conspired pathetically against me for many many years find a piece of paper on the floor that read only 6 words: "DEAR-STUDENTS-OF-CHRIST-THE-KING" & NOTHING ELSE...the oficers spent at least 30 minutes grilling me, threatening me, telling me I was "borderline criminal" that I could be arrested if I wrote anything aboyt my neighbors online...oh? IM sorry what's that? YOu think IM exaggerating?

http://www.governorpataki.com

How is it possible to not have ONE single phone call to the telephone number on the website? SO nice of my benefactress to play sister teresa of the adopted lost humans, and at my expense let everyone know how sad my weirdo life is....

I officially do not care anymore. Jane Kartsch is welcome to perpetuate her HATE YOGA...and at this point I would rather work at walmart than have anything to do with these "yoga" hypocrits....

I still beleive in the yoga, even though a roughly $12,000 investment was trashed. It broke my mother's heart, and has strained relationships within my family...everyone is mad at me for simply reacting emotionally to all the injustice...

Bikram told us all (300 strong) at my teacher's training in Honolulu, that anyone who was ever known to cross him had either died or suffered some horrible illness....but can you imagine the guru dropping his towel upon practcially just meeting you? I mean its almost comical, or is it? I find it fascinating that if I as much as talk about a cop not paying for something, or beating me, reaching out for fcksake! Even with photos AND VIDOETAPE TO PROVE MY EVERY WORD Im the bad guy lol? IM the one with mental illness? IM the one with a drug problem? Give me a fckn break.

That's right. Syria. The way my life has been ALLOWED to be trashed, so pointlessly is just a warning of what's to come for you too...not talking bono

NOt a dam thing wrong with me...a "dangerous person" Jane? Ok Ill give you dangerous....Bikram can kiss my ass while you kiss his....I can only imagine what he did to you.

Love, Lies, and Lindberger Cheese

My eyesight is going by the day, Ive felt like Im having a mild heart attack  for  past few days...sort of beyond depressed...but too tired for it to even be in a bad way...just need to accept that we only have so much time in life, and its a guarantee things will gradually or rapidly deteriorate as that is our nature....when I see semi-old photos like this (from 6 years ago now) I just can't imagine going thru it all again no matter how fantastic I felt, no matter how fantastic I looked! I dont know why Im so hard on my self...oh wait! Yes I do....Ive been so beaten up unjustly by people for no good reason for so long-why would I keep kidding myself....I dont need another lesson in pointlessness...Im so the most fantastic person and I guess thats why people hate me...so its my job now to point out how we destroy the best of what god gives us and are more than ever in the process of being screwed right back for such bad judgment.

How often does someone get to see a $400 an hour doctor and be filmmed for a documentary in exchange for the fee? How often are people given scholarships to do yoga for 4-5 hrs a day in Hawaii? I will never understand why I wasn't allowed to create work not only for myself, but I was so good at what I wanted to do, also work in time for dozens, if not hundreds of others spending the money generated etc....fostering children! Being happy and healthy...if I got cancer or a treet falls on my car or body you deal with it as you must and remain happy! But when someone ruins your life for sheer entertainment and pointless egomaniacle need for control? All I think about is where the killer inside comes from. I talk and think tough, but when Jane was following me last week and she brushed my shoulder, there was no feeling of "I wish her dead"...which I guess should come as a relief...however I can't stop think about some creative way to invite her into some kind of boxing ring where I get to slap her so silly and so fast I may give myself a stroke....I realize its no longer about Jane anymore...my life is winding down, Ive got some kind of nasty disease so apparent in my skin...when I see photos of myself I dont look that bad...but thats where its not fair to judge by appearance ...theres  a real illness growing inside of me for years now....an dwhen I think about all the emails I wrote to Bikram HQ begging them not to allow Jane to get awya with the damage she'd caused-they just ignored me...so ya u pick yourself up an dkeep trying to move forward...but then acts of nature when youre in your 50s can be pretty severe...DrOz once said that people over 50 who break a hip have some enormpus likelihood f dying due to complications etc...thats is exactly whats happening to me now. ALthough it's not a broken hip I guess, it's just not working beyond 50% range of movement, which leads to muscle deterioration....

IM haunted by what could have been Jane Kartsch. When I came home from training I was so so so healthy but still on the tight rope...why woudl you push me off? You must answer those question or...god who knwos? Could I possibly go over the edge? Is it your intention to try to drive me to commit suicide, with soem kind of note begging for an investigation that would force your sorry ass to explain yourself in detail? Do you do this to others? Has anyone ever been driven to suicide by Jane Kartsch? (Disclaimer: I would never give the whore the satisfaction. Just demonstrating my love of being a free speaking American. You will one day, Jane, beg me for forgiveness, but I will let Jesus deal with that.

Theres nothing worse than having your prime years stoeln from you and ghaving to listen peole say things like "Youre as young as you feel"...I need to talk to Cher. Can someone please get Cher on the phone? 

Nightmare of a Practice

No other word to describe it. My mind was going a mile a minute-to the point I couldnt concentrate so I went to grab a pen and paper to jot down my genius ideas, and add to my things to do lists....it was insane! Im never that bad....I was reminded about a story Bikram told about Quincy Jones bringing a pen and paper to class in front of him! Bikram pointed out teh irony, the most important thing about a hatha yoga practice is to turn off that mile a minute mind...whole thing in fact I think...

IM having trouble concentrating because IM half listening to an Obama speech cheerleading for alternative enerygy ideas...Its wonderful...Im gonna go listen very smart stuff! Go obama writers!!!

Thats right there is no silver bullet to lower gas prices and anyone who says otherwise is a liar...thats hot when a leader actually leads....Call those asshles liars! Go go go...4 billion dollars we pay the oil industry every year in subsidies....hot pokers for bush cheney and rumsfeld
Brb

Why Yoga Sucked This Morning

I wish I took photos last week, as this is my 6th day in a row I believe (twice yesterday or day before can't remember). I've let myself go since the last traumatic disappointment at least a month without working out and not so much the month before that...seemed to be trying to commit suicide with glazed dunkin donuts...a little too much cellulite to stare at in the mirror, the teacher kept on obsessing about what in the world Jane Kartsch was doing in the "Role Playing/SCiFi Fantasy/Comic Book" section of Barnes and Noble 2 days ago, hiding in the corner? We did lock eyes momentarily as she walked by...oh ya that's right-the teacher is me...alone doing yoga in a quasi warm room...90 sounds hot, but when your body is this fat, and you feel that trashed...that first week of intense heat is crucial to keep me on the daily....
A very nice discovery I made tho about my camel...my knees hurt so much that I felt I had to try keeping them together for extra support. I did it super gently and yet the more I lifted and pushed my hips forward on that lift-an ab workout as good as it gets-must remember that.

The other interesting thing was that I asked my sleeping dog in passing if he wanted to join me in the studio for yoga...and he stood up and followed me, as I veered towards the fridge to grab some water, he went right to the french doors and waited to walk into the warm room me following him at that point-very funny...so he lays there...practicing his breathing I guess.

SOmeone? Please ask Jane what the story is with the Role Playing section of Barnes and Noble...I will forever be fascinated by the woman  who completely and unnecessarily destroyed my health for the latter most critical time of my life....

Simplifications Homework

Wasn't that something our math teachers would say? Simplifications in mathematical formula same thing as how we spend our nano seconds-exploring, discovering how by being fully conscious in our own life experiences vs how the paycheck dictates we have them, we end up creating longer fuller, or at least more fulfilling times.

The side effects of my habitual need to slow things down and see what the universe's advice might be when paths aren't clear, are ironic.  More often than I'd like to admit Ive been treated like Im mentally retarded by the most shallow, misdirected, priorities askew idiots...as if people, at least in the US from my own experience, really cling to a traditional feeling of security based upon a need to feel stronger financial than others...hard to explain...

I still can't get over learning the most amazing thing yesterday on Charlie Rose...that as a society, Japan never fires it's workers. They simply cut their salary in half until they find something else, or possibly even just longer on for a while...It shows so beautifully a vital respect a society needs to have in order to really thrive, to be  one with the spirit of life on the planet as a whole....until I heard that I was sure it didn't exist! Or have a chance any more...

...its just so majestically humane, and I believe it's no accident such a practice isn't implemented in the US....that is what I trying to explore...that hypocritical  facade of stupidity-thats simply must go....Ive below my own practice...but will get back on that horse!

Heart Attackeroo

I've been looking for my bliss thru glazed donuts of late...I few hours ago I was sure I was having a heart attack. A feeling of something as intense as a charlie horse thru my chest, unable to breath for about a minute. I consoled my heart by not forcing a breath, tried to stay calm and finally it passed...ya probably just passing heartburn, but the thought stat went thru my head were very much that of someone who's getting ready to pass on...I imagined what I would do..there are no neighbors I would want to ask for help if need be...and I realized I hate my neighbors so much I'd rather pass out and accept my fate then risk being unconscious and dependent on them for anything-certainly not to be there for my final breath....

It broke my heart to hear about the soap opera actor yesterday who committed suicide over a situation where he was pressured into prematurely euthanizing his dog and then out of guilt took his own life....I was in virtually the same situation in 2003...In the US, in my 40s, not allowed to own a dog etc...the petty crap adults go after each other about have turned me into a professional asshole...Im too old (thanks to god) to give a crap about the opinions of pc people who would succumb to pressure to euthanize their own parents if it were a matter of convenience....

I don't know what the future will bring...we'll see 

Lie only misses an F to make it better...

Sometimes it feels like the world is so counterfeit, everything is a sham. Imagine getting your nutritional advice from a bulimic or having an exercise instructor who is anorexic...

Really it's become a stage of actors more than ever who pick their roles in life the way they do Netflix movies...Does anyone see how that doesn't remain in relm of a whole lot of innocent fibbing going on? That it's all tied to together with the reasons the US debt is owned by societies who jail their own citizens for chewing gum on trains....it's a numbers game thru an dthru...numbers of people times numbers of dollars...and then the icing on top...what am I contributing to make it better pro worse? Ive spent my whole life asking that question-since college anyway....
It just hit me where the origin of the verb lie comes from. It makes sense that to not tell the truth would be the same word as to lay down. Because  when we lie with someone one way to describe it is that it feels like you're surrendering into something with them If it's a minor, time saving, fun, nobody gets hurt lie-we get to laugh with someone. If we're nervous when say a cop asks if you were wearing your seatbelt-it's a totally gray area when a parent may have to decide on feeding their child with that money a ticket is going to cost them. Money that will only be recycled back into more uniforms that spends hour writing tickets and 4 minutes investigating reckless neighbors who destroy property with electrical surges...Anyway, that's to say sometimes breathing a little fast, like when the excitement may only be the covering up of a reality better described as suffocation, because you now share a secret with a schmuck you can only wish you could ever really trust... laying down with chosen conspirators you may in fact truly detest. The world is full of that, whatever that is, exactly. And it shows. To ease the suffering of other's is the only way to spend one's life and feel fulfillment, but that's not as obvious as it seems EVER. Because of the sophisticated way people have learned to act/lie-when they make fortunes doing so, and believe themselves they're so good....not then. Not when people are looking for recognition. It would be when people could effortlessly be who they are without the bs chronically throwing everyone of kilter....Einsenhower much?

I saw this incredible documentary about Philip Glass yesterday on PBS. It hit me, kind of a sense of pride that I ever remotely was acquainted with this incredible person....who's company in fact offered me a music contract-that I perhaps naively turned down. It all happened so fast and I was too busy worrying about being homeless to have even been in my body for the realization anything was happening...but again I digress...Mr Glass spoke about feeling his chi for the first time after 5 years of practicing Qi Qong (sp?) and because of that description I think I just made that connection for myself this morning in the kitchen doing the elvis shake and realizing it's closely related to or perhaps the same thing dogs do when they shake their tails in a way....raina kindalini...nope raina kinda fatty...again...I digress.

I feel like revelations are all around...the ironies, the go figures...the bs in general, where no one is any longer who they say they are really. Scared people with children to rear. But they find that counterfeit money and are handed the keys to an old show no one has heart in anymore. It's like Las Vegas...but before I digress I realized a few moments ago, I think, what QiGong (sp?) is aspiring to help people connect with. Is it chi? Is it kundalini? Who the f wants to argue about yoga-worse yoga teachers who pretend to listen to each other sweetly but underneath are bored to death by fake smile nodding...
Theoretically those with the most money are responsible for the quality of life everyone has. Automatically. So it would hold true that once upon a time wealthy persons would have come into their position somewhat effortlessly because their god given gifts were allowed to shine. But at this point in history, counterfeit money finds its way in the hands of the most mediocre, I should say carefully put their by design, by the powers that be who want to keep the system exactly as it is for as long as possible. Everything Eisenhower warned about has happened and no one knows what to do.
I just want to do my yoga that miraculously was keeping me healthy, saving my life more than ever of rthe past 6 years and yet the "community" is so full of bullshit people its a minefield. I read online somewhere recently the term "yoga squat" and interestingly enough, I had this premonition a bit later that the person who had written it had this vibe that they were using their yoga as a cover for prostitution.  Im not passing judgment, it's just that sometimes it's such a relief to state the obvious-that's why Bikram is so protective of something that could so easily be squandered by some pretty young leggy chick who happenes to be a great enough actress to play the role of yoga teacher....peopel get hurt in their classes...and also outside their classroom. The deception factor in society determines health care, not money. It may be too late for all of us to admit that in time to turn anything around, but it feels good to have hung in instead of giving in to the temptation that would have me partnered with a lie and the chronic suffocation that I imagine would turn a person into a driverless soul...they become yoga teachers too...simply because everyone likes to eat.

#@%* Yogi's Say

Omg how they tortured me when I came home from training. I was driven into paranoia, made to feel I could be fired over the drop of a hat. Jane started it but there's a sick mentality out there that get's off on tormenting.

Karma Kanon

It took me like 10 years to slowly get fat. From the age of 16 (above on right) until about the age of 35 I was always pretty skinny. From 35 to 40 I started to grow wider...by 45 I got up to 206 pounds. Thats when I went full on crazy doing Bikram Yoga every day for 41/2 months and did that (on right). I had so much help that it didn't seem hard. I had personal sessions with Dr Joel Fuhrman, I started working at the youa studio I was practicing at-so I immersed myself and made it happen relatively quickly. I was also embarking on a new career that I was so certain was perfect for me-thrilled about the future even though I was surrounded by such idiocy....

Tonight while opening my front door with my hands full holding onto something between my knees, ny knee buckled underneath me and I fell screaming. ALone in the dark with my 4 dollar coffee on the floor, one of my scary neighbors sympathetically yelled over "You ok? You sure?" I said Ya and just closed the door, layer down in the dark and didn't move, trying to perform a psychic star trek surgery on my pain, to try to erase it away, or somehow invent the time machine to take me back 45 seconds....my body is giving out. My rotator cuff appears to be tearing day by day, my knees tripping on itself, my back has me moving like Im 80 years old-it's all going south....all I tried to do was teach and practice yoga to try to stay healthy. I knew it was a critical time I may never be able to recapture...(go to hell every judgmental asshole who thinks their hallmark card advice about moving on is in anyway comforting)...but Im connecting with my peace inside like never before-getting in touch with a karma canon.

Can Yoga Wreck Your Life Jane?

This reminds me of almost every yoga teacher I've ever know, even a few Bikram teachers I hate to admit. Must read the NYTimes article from last weekend if you haven't:

"Indian practitioners of yoga typically squatted and sat cross-legged in daily life, and yoga poses, or asanas, were an outgrowth of these postures. Now urbanites who sit in chairs all day walk into a studio a couple of times a week and strain to twist themselves into ever-more-difficult postures despite their lack of flexibility and other physical problems. Many come to yoga as a gentle alternative to vigorous sports or for rehabilitation for injuries. But yoga’s exploding popularity — the number of Americans doing yoga has risen from about 4 million in 2001 to what some estimate to be as many as 20 million in 2011 — means that there is now an abundance of studios where many teachers lack the deeper training necessary to recognize when students are headed toward injury. “Today many schools of yoga are just about pushing people,” Black said. “You can’t believe what’s going on — teachers jumping on people, pushing and pulling and saying, ‘You should be able to do this by now.’ It has to do with their egos.”
-William J. Broad


It's so true.The worst teachers are the younger ones who are clueless about how easily bombes and ligaments can snap when you get into you 40s-30s even.Everyone is different. But it makes you realize why it takes a rare special persona to truly be a great yoga teacher.  Not these attractive long legged model types who decided this would be a "fun job" solely... 
I disagree with some of what he says however. In our Bikram training they very much teach us about injury. Bikram's schtick "kill yourself" was more meant as a battle cry against the hippie mindset that equated yoga with incense burning and prematurely teaching people who weren't really ready tricks to fake "meditate" etc etc . 


Read on:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/magazine/how-yoga-can-wreck-your-body.html?pagewanted=all

Godly Men

"For my mother, who always knew that butter was better for you than margarine" -Michael Pollack

"Hey! C'est la puta! C'est la puta!" - Tha's what she said! Never even noticed her before some nameless dime a dozen pregnant hispanic woman, who's lard fills the hearts and souls of thousands of her future sperm donors. The shocking disrespect made me realize my new years resolution needs to be even more notoriously honest than ever before. Geographically speaking, overpopulation ally speaking....go line up to give birth not in my backyard...Can't believe I was trained to believe that was xenophobic to point out the wear and tear on the natural resources...I can't afford to be the truffle farmer I was put here on this planet to be because a bunch of Nixon Reagan business philosophers decides to look at human beings all being worth at least $1 each....billions made that way by selling a nail... Happy New Year. Does anyone still live in south and central america or are they all in Peekskill Ossining and Tarrytown continually widening highways, so we can make widening the highways the new farming? Eat well for health you say? Grow your food where? Buy your food with what? Can't ask the hard questions because you need to feed your children. Can't risk being misunderstood and targeted as a result because it's more important to care about the opinion of who? Gophra Spinfree

Never too Hot Never too COLD

It stings your skin it's so cold. So I've reasoned that I can wait to do yoga tomorrow, rationalizing that my footprint will be smaller. Again not doing yoga? Apparently. Since 2006 until recently, I'd pretty much been doing my Bikram class everyday, even with half the people I knew either trying to stop me from working as a teacher, and or getting in the way of practicing even. As a result, all Im left with is my ironic story...

What a woos.

You are your workout. I want to do a painting of an obese woman...like Precious's mother (in the film of same name). I have the image in my mind with  multiple umbilical chords connected to her coming from things like dunkin donuts, injured soldiers, dead soldiers, oil cans, basically all the artificial life-support, and death support that goes into keeping this strange human specimen alive....her arrogance greater only than her ignorance from her being sold some belief that taught her to believe she (and the billions just like her) have a right to better automobiles...compliments of the ones who made too many one day.

Notoriously Honest: No Money No Love-Too Hard for Most to Admit

When we put our ear to a door to quietly listen to a beckoning whisper, we finger any dangling hair away behind the ear as if the slightest interference is as if life or death precision. Good or bad. It's called consciousness. Degrees of which vary enormously  from person to person. Individuals with different directions, different priorities, different definitions of different....and yet that is the only thing there is. Don't need to say "thats the only thing that matters" because it's all there is. The cosmic friction we prefer to call "our most important life contributions" is so rarely much more than projected self importance no matter how well it hides behind philanthropic bs.  What my brother did to me last night is where it's clear to me something has to give.

What is it people are holding on to really with the illusion of even family.  I think it's as beautiful as it seems most important to be a part of a family until people hurt. Then it starts to become a contradiction, an hypocrisy. That's not to say it should end. Of course that's where people work through and find the sense of humor. The most important thing.  But to admit the irony is so hard for people. I can't help but feel its as easy to fix as it is simple and basic.

When I spoke with Jack Kartsch last week I realized that something really has to give.  It may sound contradictory but I don't normally like to write to include too much basic detail that might fall into the massive enemy brain...but for xmas today Im going to give myself the that gift of complete freedom...not from a negative place of feeling like it's all over anyway. I will come from a positive place of knowing it's all over anyway-sadly for all of us.  If only a few more people understand the true value, true wealth in sparing us from their counterfeit manicured fake lives and relationships bullshit.

If I were to say "Jack Kartsch sort of flirted with me, and in a moment of laughter I think we may have felt fallen in love." I would be writing a novel intended for one person to read.

Jane has no idea the degree to which loosing the financial ability to be able to afford to stay in touch with family members, as the older one's I haven't seen in decades start to die off. Or the more immediate who are so resentful, of monies borrowed and lost and the tolls all these tedious details take...all from having that one last truly great, perfect opportunity not lost, but taken away....I either kill myself or I stick my face in theirs and try to map ether see how what they've done to me is just a shot away from murder. I went to bed last night with the realization that my own flesh and blood hates me enough to want to see me dead. Pretty sure thats his own anger management issue...but is it? What the hell do people like Jane Kartsch go out and spread that poisons already delicate bonds teetering on never speaking to each other again.

What I couldn't seem to get Jack to understand, or admit at least, was that Jane is allowed to hate me. Despise away. But for her to go out of her way to talk to people during my $12,000 training program....and there exists a police report against me? So clearly an abuse of police time....but she never get's in trouble for any of this? While Im put in a position where most people would blow their own brains out? I simply drove down the street of a brother I have not spoken one word to in 19 years, and for stopping my car in front of his home, with my entire family in it as I looked at them through the window...my brother came out looked at me for the first time in years since we've even seen each other and said "Oh my god it's psycho" then grabbed the collars of his 2 dogs to run back into the house. He turned to yell very loudly "Im gonna call the police." Interestingly enough not even "If you don't go I will call the police".... just a direct kill.

In other words I was threatened with arrest for driving by my brother's home on xmas eve, full of our mutual family. But no one can tell me what this is? This inclination to say those words to me "call the police"? Seriously. From this point on my life is solely dedicated to having that one simple question answered. I know more than ever the truth will set me free. It's a small town as it is a small world after all. It sort of made me laugh at a xmas party recently how these shallow women who think they're too good to talk to me will copy my dance moves on the dance floor still :) What makes me bitter is the way people will steal each other's very essence to feed their egotistical motivation and thats as far as it goes. People have no problem with strip mining you dry to better themselves and leave you street level at death's door if it's more convenient. Life will always be this way. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. What bothers me is people's fear of at least admitting it.

Like a bunch of 9 year olds....so Ive hammered in the last nail myself by talking about everything too openly at times?  Recording everything for the film that may never come to fruition? Yet the whole point is Im the one with the records but they'll still try to argue their lies-this is worth the time-Because if people would let this happen to me-and I've said it since Deborah Moore first started it all, it's only a matter of time before we're at war and the whole country is past history and desperately trying to hold onto the industrial military complex that writes our best, most popular propaganda. As if the hatred the Bush family's oil business needs inspired in millions upon millions of human beings who dream with smiles on their faces of violent surprises attacking the bliss we've taken for granted for so long.....

....yet there is my peace...while these hateful liars still need to pretend they're mind games will win....Im declaring it's over. Someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on.

Merry Xmas Beloved Jesus.