Notoriously Honest: No Money No Love-Too Hard for Most to Admit

When we put our ear to a door to quietly listen to a beckoning whisper, we finger any dangling hair away behind the ear as if the slightest interference is as if life or death precision. Good or bad. It's called consciousness. Degrees of which vary enormously  from person to person. Individuals with different directions, different priorities, different definitions of different....and yet that is the only thing there is. Don't need to say "thats the only thing that matters" because it's all there is. The cosmic friction we prefer to call "our most important life contributions" is so rarely much more than projected self importance no matter how well it hides behind philanthropic bs.  What my brother did to me last night is where it's clear to me something has to give.

What is it people are holding on to really with the illusion of even family.  I think it's as beautiful as it seems most important to be a part of a family until people hurt. Then it starts to become a contradiction, an hypocrisy. That's not to say it should end. Of course that's where people work through and find the sense of humor. The most important thing.  But to admit the irony is so hard for people. I can't help but feel its as easy to fix as it is simple and basic.

When I spoke with Jack Kartsch last week I realized that something really has to give.  It may sound contradictory but I don't normally like to write to include too much basic detail that might fall into the massive enemy brain...but for xmas today Im going to give myself the that gift of complete freedom...not from a negative place of feeling like it's all over anyway. I will come from a positive place of knowing it's all over anyway-sadly for all of us.  If only a few more people understand the true value, true wealth in sparing us from their counterfeit manicured fake lives and relationships bullshit.

If I were to say "Jack Kartsch sort of flirted with me, and in a moment of laughter I think we may have felt fallen in love." I would be writing a novel intended for one person to read.

Jane has no idea the degree to which loosing the financial ability to be able to afford to stay in touch with family members, as the older one's I haven't seen in decades start to die off. Or the more immediate who are so resentful, of monies borrowed and lost and the tolls all these tedious details take...all from having that one last truly great, perfect opportunity not lost, but taken away....I either kill myself or I stick my face in theirs and try to map ether see how what they've done to me is just a shot away from murder. I went to bed last night with the realization that my own flesh and blood hates me enough to want to see me dead. Pretty sure thats his own anger management issue...but is it? What the hell do people like Jane Kartsch go out and spread that poisons already delicate bonds teetering on never speaking to each other again.

What I couldn't seem to get Jack to understand, or admit at least, was that Jane is allowed to hate me. Despise away. But for her to go out of her way to talk to people during my $12,000 training program....and there exists a police report against me? So clearly an abuse of police time....but she never get's in trouble for any of this? While Im put in a position where most people would blow their own brains out? I simply drove down the street of a brother I have not spoken one word to in 19 years, and for stopping my car in front of his home, with my entire family in it as I looked at them through the window...my brother came out looked at me for the first time in years since we've even seen each other and said "Oh my god it's psycho" then grabbed the collars of his 2 dogs to run back into the house. He turned to yell very loudly "Im gonna call the police." Interestingly enough not even "If you don't go I will call the police".... just a direct kill.

In other words I was threatened with arrest for driving by my brother's home on xmas eve, full of our mutual family. But no one can tell me what this is? This inclination to say those words to me "call the police"? Seriously. From this point on my life is solely dedicated to having that one simple question answered. I know more than ever the truth will set me free. It's a small town as it is a small world after all. It sort of made me laugh at a xmas party recently how these shallow women who think they're too good to talk to me will copy my dance moves on the dance floor still :) What makes me bitter is the way people will steal each other's very essence to feed their egotistical motivation and thats as far as it goes. People have no problem with strip mining you dry to better themselves and leave you street level at death's door if it's more convenient. Life will always be this way. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. What bothers me is people's fear of at least admitting it.

Like a bunch of 9 year olds....so Ive hammered in the last nail myself by talking about everything too openly at times?  Recording everything for the film that may never come to fruition? Yet the whole point is Im the one with the records but they'll still try to argue their lies-this is worth the time-Because if people would let this happen to me-and I've said it since Deborah Moore first started it all, it's only a matter of time before we're at war and the whole country is past history and desperately trying to hold onto the industrial military complex that writes our best, most popular propaganda. As if the hatred the Bush family's oil business needs inspired in millions upon millions of human beings who dream with smiles on their faces of violent surprises attacking the bliss we've taken for granted for so long.....

....yet there is my peace...while these hateful liars still need to pretend they're mind games will win....Im declaring it's over. Someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on.

Merry Xmas Beloved Jesus.

Chachachachacolate

Note to self:

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/weight-watchers-chocolate-banana-wontons

Apple n Eve from Concentrate

I want to try to explain why I cling to this yoga, since 1989, all through life's most hurtful contradictions, although a challenge and not always achievable, still always attempting to go for a daily practice.

One night last week the husband of a colleague said something in passing that was a scoff at "my" yoga compared to his experience with yoga. Since yoga technically includes everything there is no actual right or wrong in a way. It was so subtle I would be accused of paranoia for thinking about it too long-except for the fact that the dig was SO obvious even to another yoga teacher who heard it too. She gave me that wide eyed look that says "Wo! Uncool dude! What was that about?"

Allow me to tell you what it is about. No one was offering yoga in any gym in westchester 20 yrs ago, but I walked into a Gold's Gym in Croton on Hudson NY in 1993 and asked them to consider allowing me to teach a yoga class, Since I learned this in 1989, and Bikram was the only yoga I really knew I would have taught a Bikram style Class. But they didnt take me seriously and laughed me out of the building. Why? Because I didnt have any money. I had the idea at the front desk while filling out a job app. The credibility wasnt there. So sort of understandable (and its not like I pushed the issue harder tham that). But it's no coincedence that here I am almost 20 yrs later still being interfered with. Still being ruined by people who I beat hands down as both a teacher AND (back then anyway) a practicioner-skip all the photos of splits in the air in balletic showing off as a child...

Too simplistic an explanation? Not at all. I was creatively trying to make work for myself. So right on the mark with what was trending=but when you don't have capital, an element of being almost like an untouchable takes over. Alone. All the "important" friends who are more comfortable controlling the mouths of the peers who know each other's secrets...Im loud. And like My boss Andrew once said "You know what youre problem is? You say things about people you cant get away with unless you have a lot of money." Or in my case Any. The disdain I feel over a loss of so many years for no reason whatsoever, other than a biley sickly unconsciousness that Disney based their mirror mirror on.

Valuable work obviously as the yorktown studio expnads into it's second location in the city. But Im left cashless because Im stupid? Because Im obnoxious when Im robbed of a crucial beautiful plan late in life? Because Im not capable of reciting a 90 minute dialogue effectively? Because I understand the magic life healing force of yoga without even trying and have since I was a child (on some level)? I hobestly cant remember the name of the man who's provoked this feeling of pure rage. SO many years spent trying to "help" the people...who are as lovely as dragonflies and butterflies level focus. hatha yoga isnt about letting the ups and downs of human relationship get in the way of the purest human workout available.

A $12,000 investment blow up and family relationship destroyed. Because people like to crucify each other in gossip. I mean this nameless man represents a chain of talk I wouldnt waste my time, lower myself into bothering to think about. Effortlessly see thru...Years lost because lies were unleashed upon an innocent person's life. I was robbed because of a stupidity run amok. My yoga shows me OUR reality. Especially when it's all I have-was Bikram Yorktown worried I might only have my eye on the same 2000 people when there are 200,000 people all over the place? There is no explanation as to why key people in my life at key moments backstabbed me so shamelessly. All I know is that counterfeit money squashes what it's jealous of. A freedom few get to ever experience as they're too busy torturing each other with their smiles and scoffs...Ill edit the typos AFTER I practice....keeping ,y priorities straight....Feel free to learn just by walking past... dear one. Welcome. Peace. Can't touch this. I am probably the fkn proverbial princess you never got to boff,while Bob Dylan's song Like a Rolling Stone applies in your mind-what a sad delusional hater joke :( watch me cling.

Something Hideous About Fat

There is something hideous about fat, but we pretend otherwise in order to be polite. It reveals a kind of out of control something...accidental? On purpose? It reveals something about indulgence or disease and disorder. But we pretend otherwise. The result is an accepted normalcy about mutilating surgeries like having the majority of one's stomach removed. Million dollar industries created on such perversions...and I cant afford to fix my teeth? There is a deep running violence and hypocrisy that will one day come to a head because that's how it goes...until that time...go inside and exploring one's yoga such a better idea...

Squatch for the Day

Inner peace is like the Sasquatch—many people claim it's real, but most remain skeptical until the moment it seizes them while they're meditating on a mountaintop.

Droga

So for the first time in my life I did yoga an hour after taking an Oxycodone. It was like magic. It felt almost like nothing was wrong, but I knew to be very careful about thay drunken illusion. I would never recommend anyone be even mildly altered while practicing ever. But My back and hip pain are literally bringing me down rapidly. To be able to move as I did last night was so healing. I worried about how I would feel this morning. But Im ok. I'll wait a day before I do it again...this time I want to use the drugs regularly (instead of only when it was absolute hell) as a doctor told me so I dont loose the rest of my body!  (duh)
My whole adult life I shunned even asprin after a gym teacher pointed out hidingthe pain would inevitably lead to worsened injury...although I still buy into that...Im getting older and shit REALLY hurts! The emotional down from not being able to walk etc..you so start to grow cobwebs...anyway...for the sake of science Im going to document my expeience with this next 15 pills.....and hopefully keep a close eye on my self and fix this 7 month long pain with the yoga.
There is some aleve ad running on tv of late with a yoga teacher who says she needs her pain meds to put on a good front for the people....i thought at first "She obviously doesn't know about Bikram. She does stupid yoga etc" but Im seeing things more forgively now after last night....brb for a spell check!

Oxy Yoga ad the Brain Washed World

We've evolved past times where we should be worry about how things "seem" to ther people...it should be crazy unbridled blogging for ideas-instead everyone is afraid of each other. Why? Mayb because if you tak ethe money away you'd find you have no one who gives a crap about you? Fact. Yoga anyone?
Talking about drugs makes people uncomfortable. I was prescribed oxycodone back in Feb after a bad fall, and I took unti july to use those 15 pills-but if I mention to an acquaintance anything about my experience-the mere mention of the word "oxy" has her mind running to the gutter. Her eye tell me she thinks suddenly Im Rish Limbaugh etc....This is why my grandmother always claimed TV was evil-now I get it-she was right in a way...too bad she didnt have a better way of expressing it (angrily shutting off I Love Lucy in the middle when I was like 7...that didnt fly) .... why we're afraid to really talk to each other is because of the created instability from mood swings...sthe system tries not to allow for it. Ever since reagan this uber patriotic nationalism has reigned. In previous generations Im sure to some degree also...but I was only 12 and I could see the choreography behind Ronnie going on...I made the mistake of believing the adults would see it too-had no idea they would run with it....alas I realize how few understand :(
So in other words talking about the need to be comfortable is a touchy subject. Isnt that fascinating? Words are so much more valuable than money because they're that powerful. That precious. But people don't want to use the dictionary and learn to describe their own journey through life, even just in conversation. People nowadays want to memorize the required thinking best, and thats how society more than ever allows some to excell (lol I forget how to spell the real word)...and some to fall between the cashless cracks.
When there is money there is a garden to grow and enjoy life to some degree or another, but  the illusion so many have that they are chosen or anything but lucky is why things appear to be coming apart at the seams according to TV. The military industrial system has taken a big dump and what;s happened in London (maybe WI and I dont know where else) will be coming to a theater near us guaranteed.
Ive been blessed with an angel in my life this year and Im alive because of her. I try not to go too deeply into analyzing this fortune, but I mention it because I have so brutally victimized by other "yoga teachers" in the past 5 years I have to laugh when I think how a child locked up in a basement or in a box finds his or her way (are these tv stories real? or just meant to get us thinking? abouut what they want us to think about).
Is it because taking longer, time to write both words "his and hers" that I ran into a beautiful young woman a few weeks ago who had her breasts cut off for political reasons?  The first time I was given a visual of a man chopping off a womans breasts was in a story about war in Nicaragua. Is that really 30 yrs ago? The visual always stuck with me. I was horrified because I felt the rage coming from the man and in an instant I understood the reality of the rape....but Im expected to congratulate her and be politically correct, because Cher's daughter moved past nipple rings at an earlier age? I mean....I am not judging...the girl (mo boy she wants to be called) was so beautiful inside and out, she's allowed....but it's like our ability to express what we feel is so stuffled by image conscious superficiality...its like its chronic...
Mark Twain couldn't reveal who he was because of all the stupidity that rushes to murder in the world....maybe its too late? But if people dont start exercising their tongues? This tower of babble will crumble sooner than later.

Destination Stillness

I felt myself struggling with my balance yesterday. On thinking about the word struggle I realized I was doing more of a slow dance with my balance. trying to console it back into place with my breath, Keeping it small unril you gain balance is key. Then of course when you're rooted and steadily pushing through into what you're body will allow you that day. A lovely satisfying, healing stretch (or tourniquet release).

To hold the posture honestly, in a place you can maintain that surging blood from head to toe feeling is the desired goal really. Hard to describe, so important to remember.

The Book Deal

Gazpacho Daze

Gazpacho Recipe
Prep time: 15 minutes
INGREDIENTS
6 ripe tomatoes, peeled and chopped
1 purple onion, finely chopped
1 cucumber, peeled, seeded, chopped
1 sweet red bell pepper (or green) seeded and chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1-2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
2 Tbsp chopped fresh chives
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
2 Tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 teaspoons sugar
Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste
6 or more drops of Tabasco sauce to taste
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce (omit for vegetarian option)
4 cups tomato juice Sacramento, although too much sugar...always adds a special something(?)

The Butterfly e Factor

It's mornings like this one that make me feel amazed at how hard I worked at my yoga training. I lost 30 pounds and more importantly this aging feeling of creeping cancerous death was all but gone. I was looking though old pictures and noticed one or two of myself...and I thought wow. only 4 years ago. What happened? I mean life and death difference. Sure they're only photos but still. I put together 3 shots of myself on graduation day and that made it more scientific somehow....I was so happy. Has anyone who's lost a lot of weight ever experienced having the dorr slammed in their face? Imagine being locked out f weight watchers meetings? Seriously? What would you have to do? How bad must someone have to be to make another stop them in the middle of loosing 54 pounds? Add on the 30 in training and THAT was my job. Representing how it works fo rme. Nothing superficial abpout it. btb

Yoga MRI

Forgive me if I get overly dramatic here, but I happened to catch a glimpse of my feet's impression in my towel this morning and it threw me for a loop. Guess which side knee surgery lost body parts? I dont know maybe its just the towel and any minor movement while doing pranayama? The story it tells! Such insight into what's going on or not going on inside. Now as I look at the photo about 12 hours later its as if I can feel what Im seeing. It's like an MRI and an xray and a finely printed work of art. In an instant I can see how Im favoring one side or the other. Right leg seems sad and overworked, while right foot appears to be as calm as lake placid...(have not been but Im guessing is usually calm(?)

Not simply "yoga" but a strong yoga practice is as thorough as any medicine. I used to make it a point to go to classes with my favorite teachers. It just seemed practical and made class easier somehow. But when I see whole classes moving together as fragile flocks of birdies, who barely go twice a month anyway, suddenly not showing up for the substitute...I realize why I have never seen any yoga class in my life ever come close to the effectiveness of Bikram. When the favorite teachers arent available it's still great. Even when it's bad it's great. As long as the bad teacher doesnt torture us for more than the alloted 90 anyway...

My body has really been hurting somewhat as of late, not sure why.  I only feel good on some days practicing-as if it's my respirator. The heater my artificial life support. Ive found myself doing a lot of "mickeymouse stuff" as Bikram calls it. "Take it easy baby" therapy on my own is the cure for whatever ails you tho. Damn this stuff is good.

In Memory of Bishnu Ghosh

"The Year 2003 marks the 100th anniversary of the birth of Bishnu Charan Ghosh, one of the greatest and most influential yoga masters of the past century, guru of Bikram Choudhury. Ghosh, born in Lahore, India in 1903, was a celebrated physical culturist and the first to scientifically document Yoga's ability to cure chronic physical ailments and heal the body. Beginning in the 1920's, he developed a school of Yoga that provides a unique blend of spiritual inspiration and a highly disciplined physical regimen.

Ghosh came from an extraordinary family. He was initiated into the field of yogic exercise and physical education by his guru and older brother, Paramahansa Yogananda, the world renowned Yogi and spiritual master. Yogananda founded the Self Realization Fellowship Center and his book, "Autobiography of a Yogi", continues to be one of the best known and influential works of our time.

Bishnu Ghosh was also a scholar and a lawyer who was very active in India's struggles for independence from Great Britain. Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru (India's first Prime Minister after it became an independent nation) and Bishnu Charan Ghosh in 1938.

Ghosh developed a Yoga regimen that provides a unique blend of spiritual inspiration and highly disciplined physical exercise. His view of the human body as the temple of a living God has been a major force in the renaissance of Hatha Yoga in the West. In 1923, at the young age of 20, he founded the first Ghosh College of Physical Education in Calcutta and his fame quickly spread throughout India. Other schools were opened, first in India, and then in locations around the world.

In 1939, Ghosh came to the United States to educate people on the subject of yoga by giving demonstrations of amazing yoga feats. He lectured at Columbia University in New York, generating a great deal of interest in the field, and was widely acknowledged and respected in the academic community.

In 1968 he went to Japan with his troupe and traveled all over the country giving lectures and yogic demonstrations. Ghosh's were the first yoga exhibitions to be televised outside of India, and were seen and loved by millions of Japanese. He passed away in 1970. His legacy is being continued by his son, Biswanath Ghosh, the current director of the Ghosh College in Calcutta.

His students and disciples have gained worldwide recognition as yoga teachers and have won many titles, including the 'Mr. Universe' competition. One of them, Bikram Choudhury, has carried the message of the curative powers and benefits of yoga, and the possibility of a disease-free long life, around the world. He has trained thousands of teachers and has over 500 affiliated schools."

 

-Tanya Halsall

 

 

Infommercial SchmarmYness

A few years back I posted on a bulletin board a flyer that had a before and after photo. "Let me give you a reality check?" a friend or acquaintance offered "Don't post a pic of yourself looking like that man." At the time I was like 46, Jane had virtually ruined me, was I desperate? Maybe? But I still look at it based on the contrast. I guess I sound like Im selling something and that's embarrassing...

I just now turned on the TV listening to weightloss infomercials and hear so many of the same things Ive said over the years, my own words. But when I still whip out that photo to show people the miracle I still in awe by it...That's one reason Im so stuck on confronting Jane-it tortires me to think how little time I had to really hit it home...and now it looks like Ive failed myself, and naturally this affects my ability to have people's confidence when I dont seem to even be able to take care of myself in the eating dept...I dunno.....The TV ads make me feel sik that I would ever sound like that though...so I will stop whipping ut the pic...... I never meant to sound so superficial or look like a clown. Just a fact that the transformation was so magical. If only I was left alone to take it to the next (miraculous) level.....but one last time world here it is. The 3 time miracle.

Preying For Healing

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. My back hurts so much at times but I'm feeling with patience injury will reverse. Rabbit feels so powerful, even when I can't fully execute the healing radiates throughout from head to toe.

Health and Friendships

Looking at some old photos from training sometimes...makes me sad....I was so on my way to get super healthy but even when things were good I wasn't quite there yet. I still wanted to drop another 20 and loose all that damaging pressure on my joints from being overweight for so long....woops there I go again...trying to understand why people can be so cruel...

Never too Old Never Too Anything to Experience Bikram

YOGA 911

After months of going without a heated studio and debilitating injuries from February, my body is finally starting to heal steadily. For the first time in months I was able to do a few postures I'd lost touch with. My hip injury is slowly staring to correct itself although I still can't fully use it even in soem very basic postures. But practicing twice a day is like magic.

For a few seconds I found myself holding my breath in my Camel posture tonight. This made me realize there is definitely a fear factor inside of me still. Im reluctant to push myself to hard when it feels like things could still snap. So my consciousness of what Im doing deepens emotionally. That relaxation plain and simply opens up the blood vessels even more to bring the nutrient rich blood to stimulate the healing....I can feel that magical buzz from head to toe. Even after all the hell Ive been put through, there are moments lately when I feel like life couldnt get any better-thanks to this yoga.

Bikram Bliss

The therapy of the heat, especially when you're overweight and or out of shape, is what makes people return in droves to their Bikram practice. Compared to other yogas more suited for people who are  younger, naturally stronger and more flexible than most, Bikram has a kind of consoling, comforting safety net with the heat factor.

Although I lost 12 pounds over the past 2 weeks, I seem to have plateaued. Making a second, gigantic lasagna this week and devouring most of it myself undoubtedly a factor...
but still the privilege of having such an incredible heated space at my fingertips again is still working its magic. Everyone should have a Dayton heater in their home to experience practicing alone once in a while I daresay.

Minnesota is that You?

Someone or thing from Minnesota is visiting just about every page Ive ever had online (including this one every day this week...)...Lots of Micrsoft visits too, Chinese loBOTomies....should I be flattered?

using the breath to console the heart

Ive done yoga at least once a day, more in fact twice a day since June 4. Im down 12 pounds. This is what the hot temperature allows me to maintain, almost effortlessly. The heat some might want to argue is all in my head, but who is anyone to deny such dramatic resultat?  The hot temp is key. Espsecially when Im with injuries and being out of shape, the heat is a saving grace. It's hard to explain that to other people who dont do the yoga...sounds to them its just a factor in my head I might be making more out of etc....Its so hard not to imagine the incredible shape I would be in today, if people didnt sabotage my practice. But now at least with the heat, I feel like I can transport myself more systematically into a meditative practice that deepens every day.

As I loose weight I start to feel there's hope Ill be able to run again. Maybe restore back to factory settings even at my age. The sheer joy of doing Bikram with authentically heated room, on my own, without interruption is I believe more powerful than anything a doctor could do....I gate to wosh the summer away but if Im left to practice for 2 mos, no one will recognize me I will be so healthy, maybe dazzling.....What could possibly happen to stop me? What snarling vindictive human being will try?

One day Jane Kartsch will explain to me what I ever did to her, that she would set so much evil in motion against me, vindictively make it her mission to stop me from having a career as a Bikram Yoga Teacher. It will be before a jury who will award me a small fortune as if anything could ever compensate for my infinte loss.

Jabe Kartsch likes to tell people I didnt graduate from Bikram Teacher Training. Maybe someone can tell me why? I can't think of anything more evil than denying yoga to anyone...what horrible thing must someone do to be banned from practicing? When my lawyer friend offered to write to her to try to get at the heart of the matter, I never imagined she would be stupid enough to respond at all, but to actually put in prunt her contradictory statement, all complaining of aftyer the fact issues we've gad. AFTER she started her smear campaign....Thank you Bikram fo this incredible unfolding of justice, right before my eyes. Make me strong enough to inspire others to learn how to find such inner joy and peace.

Dayton Heaters, Sea Buckthorn Juice and 12 Pounds down!

Bikram Yoga is for everyone, everyone just doesn't know it yet :) We put up the Dayton heater less than 2 weeks ago and Ive faithfully done the yoga at least once a day since. Ive not changed my diet per se, the daily practice just has me eating less automatically. Its like you can feel everything coming back online, back on track and Ive dropped 12 pounds in less than 2 weeks. The only thing I added in my life was Sea Buckthorne berry juice and I must say an ounce of that a day may have curbed my appetite dramatically. Because I am usually famished and ready to chow down after a Bikram workout but not this round. Also a surprise visit from a dear friend gave my libido a dose of happy love to add to the mix....whatever the case Im back on track :)

Happy Thoughts

When I turned on this old laptop the usual error message asking me to correct date & time showed: "12/31/1969" Sometimes it feels like a conspriacy of google proprtions, a la the  Truman show to keep me happy and from jumpin'...One of the most vivid memories of great joy and happiness in my life, I started meditating on the memories, the smell of my parents house in Croton, their friend's cigarettes and the booze and food smells as my 9 yr old friend Nancy Taylor (from Yorktown)  and I ran up and down the stairs waiting for the ball to drop....anyway....when I entered 5/31/11 11:00pm it had that very second turned 11pm without even looking....I enjoy a lovely degree of kismet almost every hour of my life...stupid little sign posts along the way that make me feel Im conversing with god, that Im on my path and I get the power of breath, and strong as ever-spiritually anyway....no matter janes of the world exist ....2 completely different servers setting my date and time 24 hrs before Im posting? How could it possibly be?

Sitting and Deterioration

I just heard a very interesting story about  how sitting for too long can do just as much damage as smoking. It was a 30 second teaser actually about a segment on 5pm news tomorrow evening. Now that I think of it, there was another story this morning claimed that cell phones were as dangerous as smoking and even lead poisoning.

It reminded me of a doctor's condescending face when I held my hand up with a black as night pin size bump right on the spot where I hold the damn phone like it became a vital organ at some point. I walked out of her examination room without saying goodbye....because that moment reminded me of what a total waste of time Drs have been in my life.  Except for a small few. So why do I bother going I asked myself.

For six months Ive been in one way or another kept from being able to practice over the past 6 months. Whether its a radiator problem that keeps me from driving 2 hrs to take another 2 hrs to practice (4+ hrs everyday? Who does that?) I did that for 3 yrs, and still had to escape 1200 miles, far away from Bikram Yorktown's owner Jane Kartsch to try to salvage what was left of my ruined life.....but I digress, as I will for as long as I live until Jane either apologizes or explains.

I spoke with some very important sounding prosecutor yesterday at the dog park about what happened. But as I simultaneously watched him controlling his dog by quietly subtly  telling the canine he might be choked to death if he didnt obey....I realized I was just talking to myself out loud....but a sweet teenage girl and another guy did seem to try to understand....it made me realize I will ask every single person I meet probably for the rest of my life, who gets away with filing false police reports?

Just like most everyone I know telling me to "move on", even the Yorktown DA's office said the same thing. "Nothing happened! No harm was done." they said. Even when I told them the report was used to interfere with a $12,000 training program and future bosses who'd hired me (as the felonious witch called every Bikram studio in the tri state area for godsake to tell them) that I was "dangerous" and not to be trusted, hired, or EVEN allowed to practice they said "Hard to prove." Even when I answered "But I have her emails to, and forwarded to me from Bikram Headquarters she didnt realize I'd ever see! She is caught caught caught period...but they are busy working for their political careers..unpracticed in recognizing (see http://www.callthepolice.com to see police report and excerpts from Jane's own lawyers pathetic attempt at explaining "why" she was alarmed and felt the "need" to call police  (catching her ironically, only in proving what a fabricating, vile bacteria she is in the end)...unless youve been the victim of slander you cant know. The fact that the subject is yoga makes it seem harmless to anyone else but me....except the poeple who know as much as I do stopping me from practicing was an outright assault....

Woops there I go away from the point again....sitting....the depression Ive allowed to manifest in my body for the past 6 months has aged me 20 yrs. Janes wrath continues to live on even when I moved 1200 miles from her breath...the damage, like induced cancer lives on....I write instead of killing myself....Jane Lartsch owes me 5 yrs of my life...everyone knows physics, the game of telephone...

Dont worry Jane we'll find some kind of acceptable settlement that will allow you to see your kids on the weekends.

Oh no! Am I being grumpy again? Its hard accepting being killed off slowly...I certainly wont go quietly...Im still hopeful I can loose a mass of weight one more time at the age of 50....its the question of why that turns my stomach...and breaks my heart over and over feeling no matter what I do it only takes one liar to ruin a life...

woops this is way too long. oh buit youre still reading? must be a stranger or another troublemaking gossiping hypocrite....it dont matter....."winning' :) is a small peace of mind....ask the local Mahopac Judge who told Jane I have a classic case of defamation against her....

There is a kind of wealth that feeds on the existence of poverty to make itself feel something, anything. The soulless make up the number of so many millionaires because theyre able to murder withouit a conscience. THAT is what Jane Kartsch is. I will write about this lair forever and no lawyer would ever dare cease and desist me because THE RECORT and THE FACTS in a snap could land Jane's ass in jail for abusing the system.

When Did You first Teach Someone Else Yoga?

Just like the ass that I am...I did it at first as if I were playing Simon says...it turned into two large full grown men splayed out on a friends living room floor. It was 1990 and I'd met a husband of a travelling yoga teacher. He described this awesome sounding career, and he was so proud of her...you rarely see a strong cool man truly in love so that moment stuck with me...a seed was planted...so there I was that same week trying my hand...I got as far as floor series and at some point they both looked so cute and funny I couldn't stop laughing. I only had visuals of postures so I can't imagine all I said to get em down like that....oh ya, I forgot, important factor of youthful beauty....whatever it takes to help people take the step...but too often yoga classes have students for the worst superficial reasons....

I just sprained my foot walking....try explaining that to some hot young leggy former gymnast yoga teacher...people come...they have their little gatherings...and hold each other hostage for support....fake hatha period....

YaRight

I watched a mother take photos of her daughter posing. A very beautiful teenage girl doing yoga in a way she could injure herself. The actress playing the part of the yoga teacher, molded the girls body as she wanted to see it in a yoga photo calendar or something...just epidomized everything that's wrong with so much exploitation of yoga to make money and pretend otherwise. I mean usually it's all good and there's nothing wrong with making money....but at the unconscious, risk of injuring a child....ibmake a point of saying so because of the cold way the mother showed me her ostracizing gossipy stink eye treatment for no apparent reason.

I'd walked in to prepare room for my class and they politely asked me if I minded if they took some photos...I said not at all of course. But right away the mother was subtly rude and snappy when I said from across the room "breath!" to her daughter while struggling with her balance...then I made the mistake of suggesting a camera trick...in other words as I was simply being friendly welcoming and helpful, the woman instatnly became annoyed....I was flumoxxed so I slid down to her floor level and politely quietly asked "do we know each other?" she had just rolled her eyes....she was so mean she made me feel so sad. In 22 years I've never taken a class that wasn't Bikram that mattered...the young girls experience was being reduced to beauty and modern dance....ibmean she looked like she was modelli g NOT doing hatha yoga...a joke really...and I only say that publicly in reaction to her wintry disresect. I don't know her name, and don't care to know - but do want to expose adult bullying for what it is. Ya baby! Let's do yoga! Let's fix the world with yoga. For real

oh ya...the girl did these art nouveau statue made up posture ( (all for the camera-while emoting with her eyes..."what other poses are there?" she asked her teacher after doing maybe 4....

I mean I can stand back and let it be ...but...damn...i'm so tired of being victimized by peoples gossip. Do you mind if I say that? Is it ok to speak? To express? To say who you really are? A nonpasteurized living breathing being with flaws and perfection. I'm not the best Bikram teacher on the planet by any means...but I am 200,000 times better a yoga teacher than any barnes and noble weekends in tuckahoe girl scout troop yoga alliance...

Best of all about Bikram- I can be totally screwed up in so many ways and yet never falter providing the workout people come for with true hatha yoga...lol playing khrishna das doesn't make your class hatha yoga-especially when you mix it with Marshall Tucker lol...I mean can't u see is a gorgeous old time favorite...but the filler? to distract from all the holes? All u don't know?

So who's listening? Who's at the party ? 20 hits a day but a bust? Reveal yourselves oh witches Arthur Miller wrote about.

Yoga and Sadness

To cure my depression for 90 minutes at least, all I have to do is do the Bikram sequence in my head. The problem is that's just as, if not even more difficult than practicing it physically. Knowing this, being aware of this is a step, but actually doing it? To be honest I never actually have tried, but I guess now I'll have to. Maybe Im onto something. If not Im dead. The toll not doing the yoga takes on my body is comparable to a rapid deterioration/slow death. It's as if the yoga is a magic pill. Can you imagine knowing someone who for years couldn't loose weight and then suddenly the system of yoga you were selling worked. In just 4 months they lost 54 pounds. Can you imagine then blocking them? What kind of person would suddenly ban someone from a self help group that had saved their life? No exaggeration the owner of Bikram Yorktown did that to me and a lot worse. After friends and family paid around $12,000 for my Bikram Yoga College training she actively campaigned and telephoned to stain my career before I even got started. Bad enough to interfere in my ability to work (by going as far as filing bogus police reports (callthepolice.com) but purely worse evil she stopped me from being allowed to practice. Guess who put on 40 pounds in 3 months, and so it has been for the past 4 years, brutalized indirectly by this selfish self serving woman. who is now amassing a fortune enough to own 2 studios. Did I mentione I was her studio's very FIRST client.

Oh but I still see the light with the yoga...shed the light, one day shed the pounds...lets go see if I can shed that depression. goodbye cruel world

WORDS AND LIFE

Its ridiculous to not take advantage of getting truly ugly online. The place where we can spare blood being shed. Anyone who would stan din the way of the obvious is just a chronic secret hider. Little ones big ones, theyre the undoing. The cancer. Terms like "cyberbullying" are coined and made current Im sure by the powers that be...and I have to chnage course here and say...."Go Powers that Be! I just hope you know what youre doing. For all of our sakes."

The CBS report on "Yoga For Evwebody" was disappointing as expected. Always this need to pasteurize and make safe from the truth...People talk about "Authentic Self" but only to the point everyone can feel kinda safe...and hey thats ok! Whats wrong with that? Nothing. Thats what life is about. Conscious time enjoying every bit.

But there's more than war in the air. Yoga isnt about pretending things away....some would argue it is and in fact I even believe it can be....but that coems from still risking the mess....the safe hypocritical backwards way people lie about hurting or even destroying each other? There it lies...the fix. The challenge is recognizing how we lie to ourselves. Keeping it focused on simply that? Might be all thats required for that miracle. You think you know how to prey? Was it your dirty mind that needed to see the blood so you could feed your families with words?

Happy Easter Everyone.

Bikram yoga in that scrumptously hot room, massaging my muscles as I drop a pound of water weight which feels like 20 pounds of pressure off my breaking joints....thats my simple one thing I need to do to feel amazing in my life....but as I get older I still wonder if the restorative effects are as magical. My body feel slike it is dying. As the room heats up with more summer heat I count on creating that life saving yoga....ya people watch me die off....do I have a christ complex? Poepl ethink I want to argue wjen all I want to do is silently stretch in the routine...thats I spent a small fortune to invest in doing-sharing it with others...like a starbucks on every corner is this yoga..Can you imagine people stopping you from achieving your health? The fact that that goes on deserves serious thought

Yoga for Everyone

Looking forward to the segment on CBS News at 11pm.

Tight Rope Walker

I'm ashamed to admit I only did half class today. Having trouble still trying to process emotionally the fact that I've never been more abused by people in my life than I have by yoga teachers. And I've been raped. I'd always heard musicians referred to as the lowest of the low...I think because yoga is the last place one would expect to find petty spiteful sabotage- that's what makes it worse.

The Practicality of Bikram

The 60 Day Challenge rules allow for a missed class to be made up the next day (double practice). So I fell off the yoga wagon last night I'm ashamed to say, and couldn't get it together until this morning to practice. It was amazing to watch the food triggers kick in after an emotional conversation on the phone last night, As soon as I hung up I started eating like the food junkie that I am...at least Im recognizing it (?) My stomach was so bloated I couldnt get my head around practice....I thought a public daily journal might help keep me focussed...we'll see. Its all in the mind. I eat for the wrong reasons because the world is full of lots of people doing lots of things every second for the wrong reason, and like any old trickle down butterfly affect...we're all interconnected, whether we like it or not...I feel like Im swiming in it...yoga allows me to at least swin in place...a metaphysical treadmill if you will :) Congratulations to Vanessa on finally scoring that new iPhone. Try MyFit first.

Yoga and Singing

Singing is like the weight lifting of breathing. It can be show offy and it can be hypnotic, but it's the easiest tool for touching in with breath, I believe this is why Bikram incorporates music. He appears to be creating a schtick at times, to make us laugh, again laughter being the heavyweight of breathing....Ive dropped the ball on my yoga, but when 've let them rob me of singing? Forces me to remember where I can still be in control. I have been so depressed these past few months Ive gotten in touch with an ability to hold my breath forever by stopping my own heart. Thats how I define heartbroken. (Thanks Master Blaine)

But today I will wake up and sing. Maybe only in my heart. But that counts. Forget about the judgements....breath....and there! I've done some yoga today. A little more strength to take a step forward, or backwards if you like. The only thing that counts is consciousness. That's what I practice. Im a mess, but (when allowed)  I'll sharptooth right thru anynody's bs like no tomorrow.  I hate fighting. But it's harder being right most of the time :) When I signed up I had no idea yoga had been turned into a jungle of insane personalities, one worse than the other, politically beating each other up over the rights of 250,000 people all around us, needing to do yoga like their lives depend on it. But instead they see a circus act...circus is ok. But time for real yoga!


More than the postures, and almost as important as the breath is the daily ritual. It only took me about 15 years to do find that.  Pleased to meet you...enough bloga let's do some yoga. 8pm tonight if anyone wants to show.

30 Day Challenge

I had the best practice (for me) last night. It's really hard for me to do a regular daily practice alone. In fact it's almost impossible. I cling to the ritual of Bikram yoga because it doesn't flucuate like I do...it's always there just waiting for me to show up. It wasn't as hot as I like it, and by my own standards my postures were awful, but I reconnected with that thing inside which is what its all about. A vibrationally focussed feeling of kundalini, starting through my spine and then as if all the channels in my body open and alive with magic. Feeling the healing. So subtle yet so powerful. Just staying focussed is what matters most...and what is most difficult...woops...here comes another thought!

I felt focussed and relaxed and really able to meditate. When my mind did wander, I thought about all the different places Ive done class and where I felt the most success. I wanted to try to recreate that in my mind. To bottle it up as they say. Be better able to turn that switch on and count on it.

When I lost over 50 pounds back in 2006 at YogaSpa it only took me about 18 weeks (4.5 months).  As much as I hate to say it, that was the place I had the most consistent success with weightloss. And I think it was mostly because there was no pressure. As I tell people I rolled my fat butt out of bed every single day and drove 30 mins from home and saw instant results. Maybe because the teachers (at the time) just left me alone to do the best I could bring to it on any given day. My Bikram training was of course best, and in fact sort of like that, but only because there are so many people...Bikram hinself has a way of pulling strength out of me I didnt know I had, even when I was feeling injured, and a few of his senior teachers are like that-truly the best workout of on the planet....but that doesnt go for all...

Anyway, I started my own 30 day challenge Sunday....good luck to me :)

Too Many Blogs Not Enuff Yoga

Daily pratice is the goal....I promised myself I'd be doing class at 7:30. Will I make it? We shall see. It's been a rough past few months. Let's talk more later...just setting this up for now L)