I've almost burned through the little bit of money I got for my dying car, so have no money for food, no money for laundry...yet last night I made the most delicious meal by pulling old stuff out of fridge and cupboards. As I kid I remember my mom saying gnocchi was so complicated to make. Sh eprobably meant messy...but for that reason I never took it on to make it. Then read it's just flour and potatoes, and maybe an optional egg. Who knew. So I did it, with a sauce from some frozen peppers and 4 year old parmesan cheese shake I had, a little sauteed garlic in olive oil, sliced almonds and yogurt...so good.
I've been at this point in the cycle so many times for the past 25 years, where you think there's nothing, but in fact far from starving that I almost relish it (no pun intended). The same guy who taught me Bikram yoga in 1989 was actually the one to point out how fun the creativity involved, in combining thing syou never thought of before....I so don't want to go ask for foodstamps. Been there done that. The humiliation only adds to the depression....
It's so easy fro people to stand back and say, "just go get a job" when they're not in those shoes. I mean I ask myself "What the hell?" Thats why at soem point I just became obsessed with recording everything, documenting as much as I could...because when I go back and look at it...no one has to take my word for it. I mean the FL studio take over for example. Reading the text I sent to Moo barely 3 weeks before she backstabbed me and stole my money, I just don't know how much more polite, practical, fair I could have been...and yet that's the very nature of being sucked under the tow of sabotage. The person using gossip against me may really not realize the depth to which I've been taken down already....no one wants to hear my stories anymore. I guess Jane wins for now. But I'd rather be dead than operate like Jane Kunt...and I at least have priceless memories of people and places she could only dream of having experienced. I've had a great life without money...and I was naive to believe I would ever meet anyone, at the right time and place, with similar pov on life...I dont know.
Once again I cant afford my electric bill, I dont even have money for laundry...the angels always come thru for me...a miracle to take comfort in I guess...but still..to be so powerless, for so many years, decades in fact....who needs it.
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| Seriously, what kind of insecure, poseur (self published Im sure) author puts their licensing credentials on cover of their "book". Please. |
I was watching Steve Jobs the Lost INterview last night. I wondered from where came this big picture forgiveness of the ugly human psyche in general. Stories about him being impossible, intolerable towards 1000s of people he fired abound yet you could see by listening to him he was just tight on his own rope, and most of the bitchers were probably just like scorned lovers really. Even Cringley in extra interview sounded like he was turned off by Job's arrogance..."But the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling, its the unraveling and it undoes all the joy that could be" all over it. Im obviously a mongoloid retard compared to Steve jobs yet I feel like I have that kind of devotion to feeling out whats right and wrong in my life that reads as arrogance to poeple and maybe thats one of my problems....that I take my own lief too seriously. I bet if I start writing too much about the SHIT IM reading on Dr. Debi C. Moore's "articles" on anger management (can you imagine!) and she gets wind? I bet there are NYPD death squads that do show up to stage incidents (as I used to beleive when it all first went down and I was suing the city) but this time....it will probably be to the death. This x cop now recites Ghandi on her webpage, and takes herself SO damn seriously while she's copying and pasting other people's ideas as her own...for money? Or she really believes her own bullshit maybe and gets off on having people look to her to help.
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