Exploring My Inner Racist

Come on? Wouldn't that be interesting? Fascinating perhaps scientific? Sociologically, psychologically worthy of spending time on. Studying. Examining. Diagnosing.  Theorizing in order to hypothesis and conclude with a cure for fucks sake...I've never been a goddam racist in my life and everyone knows it. I was trained even by my father at the age of six when I literally had just used the word black literally but an awkwardness came up when he instructed me on how wrong it was to ever not be delicate, and I grew up naively feeling guilty for being white, actually I never once in my life ever really felt white...I dont know what "white' means in fact other than a retarded excuse for a brawl and a way of getting away with mass rape...when the men just blow up. Have had it up to here with the bullshit? Create a distraction from their failure by the millions? War is coming people! I hope even my neighbors know me, judge me, fairly enough to admit it would be weird to watch me turn into a racist...or in fact expose one that lingers inside? For being stuck in a nasty ghetto of backwards stupid people...ok like...so...this is how it is...The nasty girl-woman(?) who bit my head off earlier today simply because I'd asked her if she found a $20 bill I'd dropped....She may has well typed up a confession...I mean what a fucking asshole. I couldnt have been more polite, respectful, to the point...had never seen this "niece" of yet another neighbor to botch about I guess...anyway the point is, I find this to be true with many black people in the tbldg I live in. They would rather flush money down a toilet than ever apologize to me...oh except these beautiful girls who moved out of their grandma's place, whose names I never even knew but they were nice, a little loud at times, but totally normal fun loving kids who almost always seemed like perfect good people you'd be glad to have as a neighbor...but the rest of them...it is like coexisting with a prison life without walls. They call the police on each other the way by brother and I used to call our mom at work when we fought, or couldnt have our way. Kids probably call the police for less nowadays with all the media encouragement of believing in this myth of a priestly guy in unifomr...as if grasshoppers from kung fu...Im tired of hating the police. I know what a stupid thing that is to say...there are just no words sometimesIve forgotten what IM talking about.

Oh yes. People I cant escape from because they steal the lousy $20 I have to make last for 2 weeks....fine...I found money a few weeks ago, no karma with cash they say because that was one of the best feelings of elation...it wasn't that much I first saw it and was ecstatic it might be thousands lol...but honestly here's another use for the internet. I rationalized that because bank was closed Imagine a little bit of money making you feel that way? $20 makes me feel that way. I dropped that $20 last night when I pulled keys out of pocket, and as luck would have it found it again hrs later...when my dog had to go out just in time to lead me like lassie right up to it, as in sniffing it and looking up at me-it was hysterical, and hours later. So lucky...but when I crumpled it up with keys and a bag, and I was hurried back inside by the feeling of danger from some other ass neighbor downstairs...oh this is too tedious....but i heard the people across the hall come in behind me (this is all going on around at 2am) but anyway I know 99.9 she found it because of the way they acted when I simply inquired this morning, around noonish...the first girl, the daughter, she's really sweet actually, hard not to believe her abut then again she was not at all, in the least concerned, couldnt get away fast enough, didn't even offer to ask anyone else in the apt...and the cherry on top...when I was walking the dog below their window I heard her refer to me as "psycho", because words like "next door" and a guilty kind of whispery...anyway the point is the way the "niece" spoke to me a little while after that was out of control...Its got nothing to do with the $20...it has to do with the joy this girl feels in knowing it's my $20 she found...they laugh, its funny....facsinating...the money is only a minor detail...Its like I live in a goddam zoo...and Ive actually been writing BLOGGING since late 90s calling myself Jane Goodall of Humans so as to try to not loose it, feel a purpose, a clue...people are so fucking fucked...from the combination of self importance and stupidty...incapable of mediating...the opposite of the right stuff... its the worse to be so disrespected by...oh and tonight I noticed that the "niece" DESTROYED the

When I thought about it later, thought about the money I'd found and compared the situations, but that's the thing...I was raised to have a conscience. If someone came up to me and ASKED me, I'd give it right back. I wouldn't even consider mortgaing my soul, unless actually I truly despised them I must confess...so ya a lot of similarities..But basically the point is normal situation, I would cave, and Im not ashamed of that...Black people in my building think you're either weak or stupid if you try to do the right thing...the things is I only think about this shit when they're stealing from me, destroying my property...it was so embarrassing last summer when this guy I really like came over and called it "The Projects".. the floors are all stained, they bust open the doors, it is like a fucking zoo...Latino men are pretty gallant and black men, strong enough to matter of a certain age are good about offering to assist without being told to by their moms, if they see an old woman struggling etc...but under the age of say, mid twenties-30s, they come up with excuses like "I put my shoulder out, lame excuses..." true little girl laziness....actually very much a generational thing and a regional thing...

What would Mary Kennedy have revealed about her tormented life in a blog? If everyone would just blog, it would take the sting out of trillions of confessions that will come out in one way or another....It makes no sense that Ive been so hated in my life, and so for exploring as to why that might be this way, I bring on my own end I guess is the common view....or isnt this amazing? words SO very precious, so powerful....but caged fighter mentality is one of few words...like they way animals are just as gorgeous to behold when no one is left to behold them? Fuck you black neighbors I hate...and Please accept my apologize black neighbors I mostly like very much...oce in a while you need to turn open the ugly...only to find how not as ugly it is at all...just dangerous because poeple are alwasy sniffing out for something to fight with or to kill...

I called the Yonkers fired dept today (as anonymously as possible of course) to ask Chief Fitzpatrick what he knew about the last fire and enormous settlement against Dunham paint...no one answered.. maybe thats good for me...like an environmental wise guy..