My body is so completely fucked. The culmination of choices Ive made since mid January, my whole life for that matter, are taking their toll. I wonder if Jane had any idea how I struggled with food addictions. How incredible and once in a lifetime (apparently) I was able to get myself (almost) in perfect shape...now it's just done. It's almost like Ive really stopped mattering...even if I were to have any kind of financial success it's just Olivia Dukaky...virtually useless other then some kind of boring ceremony of pampers and circumstance...Im so giving up IM even starting to not want to bother thinking about Jane at all...my latest obsession is the coydog Ive seen a few times this week...First time I saw one it was on the Taconic just south of 117 Ben and Kat were driving, I was in the backseat. It scared the hell out of me in a way that I was the only one who saw it...Kat is a space cadet so that didnt surprise me, but Ben was driving...how could he not see it? That was like 2007. Im seeing it for the first time many many many miles away (dont want to say where, for fear of orders coming down to contract it into starring in ot's own rabies psa etc... I had jokingly said to a friend "Here throw throw the ketchup out the window so Coydog (wolf really) can use it on his deer." Later that same day, not even dark, late afternoon, there he was! I pulled car over off the parkway (thus PARK way being used for what it's supposed to be fy Trump's widening ass) to shoot fotos and of course my camera was out of memory...It walked right thru the 2 lane roads, looked at me, seemed to hang out in a little shangrala triangle with a flowering tree....I just wanted to set up a tent and wait for it until someone saw it with me....why did it always appear to only me...lol how insane this must sound...but thats ok...it was up there with hanging with the bear in the early 90s in the Catskills. Just to see one with them in their element...truly the highlights of my life in every catergory-so with god. Maybe that's why it happens when Im alone-blessed reminders of my own personal diving bells and butterflies.

Doesn't Pavlov look like Michel Anzalone sometimes?